I broke up with my BPDexgf a few months ago, but we've had to maintain some strained contact because she owes me some money from when I bailed her out of jail. It had been a difficult process, so much so that at one point I basically told her, "If you want to pay me back, pay me back."
Well, I contacted her last Friday to see if she could pay something in a few weeks (we had already discussed this in concept a month ago so I thought she had a solid amount of notice). She said she could. And then we kind of just kept talking. We caught up on how one another was doing, brought up some subjects we used to always like to discuss. And we even buried the hatchet about some past tensions. Overall the conversation went really well. Then she said, "Look, I know things were weird, but do you want to come to karaoke with me and some friends tonight?"
Not going to lie... .It was REALLY tempting. I could see the recycle unfold before my mind's eye. And I wanted it. I can't deny that. I want to believe that things can be different. Maybe she's getting healthier... .She seems like she's doing really good! She's asking me questions and acting like she's actually interested in my life (at the end of our relationship, I felt like she had zero interest in my work, personal projects, etc.).
Even after everything that occurred in our relationship (I was triangulated very painfully with an ex-boyfriend of hers... .Just generally not treated with nearly the level of respect I deserved), there is still a part of me that wants to be with her. Certainly not the rational part, and - hopefully - not the part I will act on.
When I was having these feelings, I promptly told some friends to shake some sense into me. And they did. To a person, they begged me not to re-engage the relationship. And obviously at this point, my ex hadn't told me she wanted to get back together or anything, but I knew I was starting to have those fantasies again.
If anything I feel like I've built up a little firewall to sustain me through these times. Specifically, over the course of the relationship I was frequently miserable and confused and I went to a lot of my friends support. When I told them some of the things I was experiencing in the relationship, they told me to get out far longer before I ultimately did. Now, all of my close friends are completely opposed to me getting back with my ex, and, frankly, they don't like her. I don't want to say that to denigrate my ex. She's working through legitimate issues and I hope she finds health and happiness, but my friends' loyalty is to me so their reaction to certain things was obviously anger and protectiveness toward me.
That's actually been one of the best ways I've found to prevent me from continually recycling... .Just the fact that at this point I know my friends can never have a positive relationship with my ex. They will love and support me no matter what decision I make, but I know they would never fully accept her back.
Maybe one day I'll get there too
