Practicing acceptance by partial immersion?

[valet]

This is a wildy strange idea that I have, and I'm not even sure if its a good one, but here goes nothing:

I have been back in contact with my suspected uBPDex for about a week and a half now. We hung out with last week for a few hours, and it didn't bother me one bit. Then, something crazy happened. I saw her walking down the street while I was out with friends (it was pretty late and I had been drinking pretty heavily, maybe 4 A.M. or so), with some guy, who I believe was the replacement for my (suspected) replacement. I freaked out for a second, after she had walked by, but I was fine about an hour later and carried on with my night. I'm taking this as a victory and a sign of great improvement.

Now, she has invited me to a surprise birthday party on Friday for her two roommates (that I am pretty close to and familiar with) at my (suspected) original replacement's apartment.

She has been absolutely wordy and prompt in any communications via whatsapp that we've had, and I really have no idea what to expect. I am confident that my boundaries are firm, and that even in the worst of worse case scenarios I would be able to handle the situation with grace and true acceptance and validation.

My dilemma, however, is this sick curiosity that I seem to have about this situation. I want to see how it plays out, but my gut wavers from being totally cool with it and only mainly cool with it. I really want to go, as I think it would be nice to catch up with people, but I'm not sure how I'll feel when everything is in front of me. I think that I can do it, though, and that it might actually be a counter-intuitive aid to my healing process and a direct confrontation of my anxieties and fears about her. Do I have anything to lose here that I won't immediately recover? I don't think so.

Any advice/opinions?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey valet-

A lot of folks here promote continued contact on some level with their exes; no contact is a tool, not a rule.  You sound more or less centered, and if you have knowledge now, from here and/or otherwise, and you have a support system, then you might be in a good place to spend time with her and her friends.  I had neither when I was with my ex and had to flee to avoid insanity, but several months later, with the knowledge and support, it was different.  Something about learning about the disorder takes the mystery, and the power, out of a borderline.

Anyway, do you have anything to lose?  I don't think so either.  I'm not a fan of testing just to test, but you have other motives, catching up with people and such, and if any of it is a desire to see her, just be honest about that to yourself too, so nothing is a surprise except the party.  Take care of you!

[valet]

 Thanks for your input fromheeltoheal.

I am beginning to question my motives and see them more as an act of denial of my own anxiety. With this realization in mind, I think that it would be a mistake to go. I think that my main motivation is just testing for testings sake, after reading what you said and self-examining a bit.

I think that it might be more wise to see her in a more controlled environment, and definitely less people. I doubt that I am ready for what I want to be. I still do not trust her fully, although I do forgive her, and there will alcohol involved.

Small steps on reinstating contact definitely seem best for me at the moment. I think that she will respect my boundaries, but if she doesn't it will not be I that suffers.

Now my attention shifts to how exactly to say this. I'm thinking it would be best to keep it simple, but do I have to apologize for not attending, or should I save that simply for the birthday girls?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey valet-

I am beginning to question my motives and see them more as an act of denial of my own anxiety. With this realization in mind, I think that it would be a mistake to go. I think that my main motivation is just testing for testings sake, after reading what you said and self-examining a bit.

Good self-awareness and honesty!

I think that it might be more wise to see her in a more controlled environment, and definitely less people. I doubt that I am ready for what I want to be. I still do not trust her fully, although I do forgive her, and there will alcohol involved.

Small steps on reinstating contact definitely seem best for me at the moment. I think that she will respect my boundaries, but if she doesn't it will not be I that suffers.

I'm unclear on what you want it to be and why you want a continued relationship with her on some level.  If you want a platonic friendship no worries, although it seems you're still more emotionally involved than that, yes?

Now my attention shifts to how exactly to say this. I'm thinking it would be best to keep it simple, but do I have to apologize for not attending, or should I save that simply for the birthday girls?

We typically don't need to apologize for declining a party invite, although normally folks who like us and invite us to things are our friends and want to see us as we do them, although this is different, it's your ex.  You could say you have other plans, not that you even have to give a reason, but having other plans makes it easier, and to avoid lying, make some other plans.

[valet]

Thank you.

I dealt with it by telling her I decided not to come; that the amount of people there might make me uncomfortable. I offered a reschedule with just her and her roommates (which would not be loaded, and definitely pleasant) which she agreed to.

In shorter terms, I asserted my boundary kindly and reasonably and she responded well.

To answer your question, I only want a platonic friendship.