Texting... never calling

[bluebond6]

This is an interesting thread.  I use text messaging with my ubpw quite a bit. Sometimes using text is a very effective way to communicate because you see it in print and have a chance to think about your responses. This is Ok when everything is going fine and also when things are getting volatile.

On another note though, she texts someone else much too much.  She lets me look at her phone to see that it is all innocent, but she is still texting someone she had a major fling and telling me the fling is over. It is like she has to keep this guy on the hook for her own personal gratification.  Then she'll say I should trust her becase she leaves her phone out for me to see. She knows that I found very graphic pics going back and forth about 9 months ago. She tried to deny the photos existed even after I looked at them and handed her the phone to tell her to delete them and not to let me find this inappropriate behavior again.  But had I swapped SIM cards, sent some photo evidence to the web, and downloaded it for reference later on.  So I know I am not remembering wrong.  She is trying to skew the facts to cover up for making a poor choice... .

[poprocks]

koshou, I was curious, why did you delete almost everybody in your phone?

blue bond, I don't know how you are staying with her.  I'm sure she will cheat or at least send those types of pics again.  They always do.

[LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel]

I am a BPD I can tell you why when I "used" to text and why I text now. I used to text because I could have converstations with many people and women all at once. I could send one text out to most of the people I knew and then decided what plans or converstation best fit what I needed or was feeling like doing. The other reason for texting is that someone with BPD is trying to be prefect and or find prefect (at least in my case) so texting gives you the option to be much more careful with the words and anazly things very carefully before you respond.This all changed when I meet my gf a 2.5 years ago. I actually went through my phone and got rid of 99% of the people on so. Now I text because I work at a job that I can spend 5-8 hours a day on the phone, and I would perfer to talk in person. Either that or the answer I need could be very quick and doesnt require a full conversations.

This make a lot of sense... i saw my BPD do this not only with me but also his mother who is the only woman who he has no choice but to respect.

He did phones as a necessity i.e for work etc... however much prefers msn, texting and emails as communication tools...

This is very interesting

[marlie]

My SO gets very anxious talking on the phone, as he thinks I am trying to "trap" him. So he'd rather text so that he can think through how to respond. I know it's frustrating, but when dealing with someone very angry and anxious, sometimes texting communicates clearly without the worry over whether what you said will be taken the wrong way (as it so often is.) It also gives the BP time to "think" about what they are saying and how they are saying it, which is usually healthy. I don't know -- for me it works better, although I can understand the frustration of never getting a phone call.

[sarah1234]

Texting with my uNPDexbf was one of the biggest frustrations between us!

When he was in a good mood, all his texts would have x xxxx on the end. If you didn't reply with xxxx on yours, he would sulk and get all confrontational 'why no xxx? Don't you love me?'

He would also expect a quick reply to his texts, if he didn't get one he would complain and call and call my phone demanding to know why.

He would spend hours sending me loads, then at a certain point he would completely disappear and not reply to my last text, if it was a question this was massively frustrating

He also always ignored me texting and calling if he was at home while I was at work. Always. Like he wanted me to think 'what is he doing?'

Exbf was lazy, and much preferred to try to control me by text rather than in person. He also could get up to all sorts of trouble - like not being at work when he was meant to, because if he called I would hear no/lots background noise and work him out. So texting is easy cos he could be anywhere!

He was addicted to his phone, texting and spent hundreds a month on it and slept with it under his pillow. He also had a secret phone that he hid from me, which contained texts from other girls and dirty photo messages from them.

[borderdude]

My ex , before she speaks to me, often  check her phone to see our text msg , where we left off, ... .would it be better tecting if you suffer from obtaining object constantsy?

[MissyM]

My reasoning... .texting keeps a record of things said!  There is no debating who said what... well there still is.  I don't answer calls because 1.  I don't like to be yelled at and not be able to get a word in, and 2.  There is a record of abuse.  And I text because out is soo much easier to say what I want to say without being interrupted!

Me too!  My dBPDh tends to lie about what was said and this way there is a record.  Now he is telling me he doesn't want to communicate by text.  I am pretty sure it is because his sponsor and therapist are reading his texts and he can't play the victim.  When we talk he lies and distorts, playing the victim.

[unicorn2014]

Hi everyone...

Anyone else experiencing when someone in their life with BPD, will only text them rather then picking up a phone and calling?

Even when I take the time to call them, rather then get a call back, its a text message. Sometimes days later.

Why? Emotional detachment, avoiding confrontation? They have the time to send text messages all day, but wont call?

How to you all handle this?

I know for me, I no longer call her. Why bother when she never calls back. Whenever she sends me a text, I just answer it very simply and thats it.

I set very firm limits with my pwBPD and told them do not use text to communicate negative emotions. We have gotten in horrible fights because he has said something nasty to me in a text message. I am still working on a limit to set with him around this but I have communicated very clearly to him what he does and how it makes me feel. Anyone have experience setting limits around inflammatory text messages?

[Mel1968]

Unicorn2014- I've tried to set limits and refused to respond after giving a warning which we'd previously agreed on, and using a script we'd previously agreed on, when a text conversation was becoming yet another circular pointless exchange of accuse and defend... .Unfortunately this resulted every single time with an escalation of everything that took longer to get back from so in the end I gave in. Amazingly I've been able to regularly do a days work after being up the entire night responding.

Other text /phone issues that I wonder if others have-

If I dIdnt reply immediately, total escalation as panic ensued about why... .

She would phone me, but then put the phone down if I said something she didn't like. And then phone me back,I'd answer, same thing a few moments later. So I'd stop answering, so she'd ring me 10-20 times, which made me more determined not to answer because I knew that once she was that heightened there would be no good outcome, but then of course I was the rejecting baddy... .So I'd text her to explain that I couldn't speak to her, but try and put forward my point of view. And then back to the circular conversation, or ignoring me.

we had to have regular FaceTime video chats... .so she could see where I was, because if we were on the phone I could have been anywhere and lying (which apparently I did pretty much every thing I said)

And one of her main reasons for rejecting me now for the final, this time permanent time- because I am a faceless text and don't really exist and she deserves better than the disgusting inhuman way I treat her.

Sigh.

[FannyB]

For my ex, the use of text was cyclical. Used it at the outset, then lots of phone calls during idealization. When she started pulling away she wouldn't answer the phone anymore, but would still text. I rang her on a different number once as my phone had crashed and she answered straight away!  She was not best pleased as I'd obviously breached her 'firewall'. The end of the relationship was also via text. For a woman who dreams of running away and is in a constant survival battle, text seems a safe way for her to communicate. It's not a healthy way to manage a relationship though - whatever anyone says. 

[felix22]

Lacole - radical thought here - but what do you WANT to do?

Earlier in the thread, you don't want to text back - so don't.

Do you see that you are creating your own chaos because you are still walking on eggshells?

What does Lacole WANT?

I thought this was a good quote. It made me think "What do I want?". This was insightful S.Balance; thanks.

[ShakinMyHead]

A few days ago I broke NC with my exBPDbf. Honestly, I think I was just lonely. But the rate of the discard came so quickly, that I'm pretty sure, I was gaslighted, then discarded within 24 hours this time. And the reason being, Texting & Phone calls. My ex, is able to speak with me on the phone, but will only text, or text provocatively, when he's doing something he shouldn't be doing, or wants to provoke my fears by acting like he can't talk. We'd been together Thursday evening and he was talking about getting back together on Saturday, if, he felt ok. After the first discard, he always kept one foot out. So, friday he texts me a bit, and at about 5pm, I say on text "can we talk for a min or 2, now or later." He says "I'm grabbing something to eat, and turning in early. This is at 5pm on Friday evening. The man I just was with last night won't say a quick hello or goodnight? This is the guy that wanted to cure our trust issues from him cheating, by himself, no therapy. He was going to do all this things to make me feel safe. Well, he said he would. Sometimes he would do something like this on a weekend he wanted to change our plans. He'd say something that would upset me, make me feel worthless. Whether I flipped out, or learned not to, and speak to him calmly about how it made me feel, "I was still ruining everything. Why do I always have to do this us?" I'm assuming he meant, me wanting to talk to him on the phone? Does he think he'd be the first man to make a 2 minute call from another woman's house, and lie to that woman, so , he could cover his ass with me? Calling doesn't preclude him from cheating. That's why it hurt so much. I knew he wanted me to be scared to hurt and wonder, so he could get angry, point a finger at my lack of reasonability, and then he'd have his night clear with reason. Me, just wanting to hear his voice, and tell him about the soup I'd made him. But the more he knew I wanted to talk, the more he withheld it. Because that just makes it exquisite supply for him to withhold even the crumbs I ask for. When I realized, again, I cannot even ask him for a phone call, for intimacy, cause he's either cheating or cruel, and interprets it as being controlled, I jumped back on the horse again. And am back to NC. I'm not sure why I am continually shocked over and over by the same behavior. I'm hoping this was the finale. Hugs, SMH  

[felix22]

When I realized, again, I cannot even ask him for a phone call, for intimacy, cause he's either cheating or cruel, and interprets it as being controlled, I jumped back on the horse again.

PwBPD are really mean. Stinks that you had to go through that bullying b-s. I don't care what made them this way. They still love to bomb other people, one way or another. I have been trying very hard to maintain a friendship with my p/wBPD, and their kids. And they keep doing this same kind of stuff to me. I'm not going to start a war, or go eye-for-an-eye. However, when the tables turn, I'm not going to be picking up the minute they call/text back. They can wait a while and realize the impact of their actions.

[an0ught]

The way I see it: Texting can be a valuable medium for communication but is also one that easily leads to stepping over boundaries.

To protect our boundaries:

- don't get cornered into an obligation to respond immediately. Making this a boundary helps

    - allows more easily to have cool offs

    - protects your peace of mind

    - gives you more time to craft a targeted validating response

    - entering text free zones. Or making some up 

- keep some discussions off text. "Yeah, sounds very important. Let's discuss this over dinner.".

- don't let text become a remote control.

   - respect of you as a person. You prefer being told and with a "please" please.

   - fights enmeshment, don't allow the pwBPD to think you as an extended limb.

When it comes to boundaries we have to acknowledge that we are the adults in the relationship and are texting with impulsive teens. We can't force a behavior on to the pwBPD. We can't agree on much with them either - well, we can and should but we have to be realistic that impulses may temporarily suspend the agreement at random times.

Boundaries with texting relies on us

  - ignoring texts

  - seeing a few silly or angry text storms

  - moving conversations off text

  - pacing texts

Last but not least I've seen a lot here writing about texts not being emotional (other than pwBPD centric and/or angry) and connecting. Again we can't force the pwBPD to communicate properly but we can be a role model. We can communicate in an emotional and connecting manner. When we switch to a validating (<-- this is the first time this word has come up in this thread   ) communication style we help the pwBPD to regulate and increase the chance getting more connecting messages back.

For a start on validation see e.g. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.msg12408816#msg12408816

[Cmjo]

Interesting... .I have an opposite story. I do have to text and email a lot over kids arrangements, quick questions etc, and am always on Whatsapp with other kids mothers about school stuff, as well as having a busy job. I am separated from exBPDh but we share childcare, though he is still trying to coax me back into the relationship. When I think we are going through a calm period something will happen like this. He didnt reply to messages. Then he rung, not to answer the questions but to berate me for always sending messages, why cant I pick up the phone? He wants to engage me, and make me feel guilty... .

[SpringHopes]

When I first started to date my BPD I was surprised that she was the first person in the world who was not picking up the phone specially, she said she likes to text and she hates to speak, she feels not confident to speak on the phone and she dislikes it. Probably with the text she can think and choose her words. But later I pushed her to take calls as they were usually about simple things like what to buy in the shop and it would take a time to have this table tennis messaging while I am in the shop, so she started to pick up the phone. I also told that I am not ok to write a lot, I have too big fingers for my touchscreen so it really is challenging for me to write messages when I need to rush, call is easier and faster. Maybe in time BPD gets comfortable with the person and they find calls not so intimidating anymore.

[hurthusband]

The way I see it: Texting can be a valuable medium for communication but is also one that easily leads to stepping over boundaries.

To protect our boundaries:

- don't get cornered into an obligation to respond immediately. Making this a boundary helps

    - allows more easily to have cool offs

    - protects your peace of mind

    - gives you more time to craft a targeted validating response

    - entering text free zones. Or making some up 

- keep some discussions off text. "Yeah, sounds very important. Let's discuss this over dinner.".

- don't let text become a remote control.

   - respect of you as a person. You prefer being told and with a "please" please.

   - fights enmeshment, don't allow the pwBPD to think you as an extended limb.

When it comes to boundaries we have to acknowledge that we are the adults in the relationship and are texting with impulsive teens. We can't force a behavior on to the pwBPD. We can't agree on much with them either - well, we can and should but we have to be realistic that impulses may temporarily suspend the agreement at random times.

Boundaries with texting relies on us

  - ignoring texts

  - seeing a few silly or angry text storms

  - moving conversations off text

  - pacing texts

Last but not least I've seen a lot here writing about texts not being emotional (other than pwBPD centric and/or angry) and connecting. Again we can't force the pwBPD to communicate properly but we can be a role model. We can communicate in an emotional and connecting manner. When we switch to a validating (<-- this is the first time this word has come up in this thread   ) communication style we help the pwBPD to regulate and increase the chance getting more connecting messages back.

For a start on validation see e.g. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.msg12408816#msg12408816

good point on not responding.  I have a hard time with it.  I feel guilty for it and they point out that it is mean, i would fall for it and contact them back quickly, but when i stopped... .50+ calls an hour until I would answer which id id and reinforced it.

now... .I let it ring that much and im in trouble at work.  I answer and i reinforced... .