How far did your ex go in terms of being a "victim"?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I haven't used Facebook like in a year, typically I only log on once or twice a year if that.  It was raining today and I was bored, logged in and I saw my ex posted an article from somewhere.

Basically it revolves around the subject of "Be a nice person" and how you shouldn't be with a person that verbally or physically abuse you and such.

Okay, so I was just thinking, "Be a nice person", ha, she's FAR FAR away from being nice. Till now, she is still thinking of me in black and that it was me, who verbally abused her (after the fact she called police on me with false allegations over something I did NOT do) and because I lashed out on her after her absurd accusations, she was the victim because I was the abusive husband. How typical.

So how far did your ex go in terms of painting herself as a victim?

[LeonVa]

So I haven't used Facebook like in a year, typically I only log on once or twice a year if that.  It was raining today and I was bored, logged in and I saw my ex posted an article from somewhere.

Basically it revolves around the subject of "Be a nice person" and how you shouldn't be with a person that verbally or physically abuse you and such.

Okay, so I was just thinking, "Be a nice person", ha, she's FAR FAR away from being nice. Till now, she is still thinking of me in black and that it was me, who verbally abused her (after the fact she called police on me with false allegations over something I did NOT do) and because I lashed out on her after her absurd accusations, she was the victim because I was the abusive husband. How typical.

So how far did your ex go in terms of painting herself as a victim?

[zundertowz]

Pretty much told everyone we know that I was abusive and beat her... .threatned to call the cops and say the same.  Told her children who I helped raise and support for 3 years that I beat her and left her for another women ( she really kicked me out and said she would call cops and have me removed )... .pretty much what she did she said I did.  Its all disgusting but messing with your own kids heads is pretty warped.

[Dr56]

Well, by the end, she was playing the victim card with respect to everything single thing that ever went on between us. One incident in particular that stood out:

We were on holiday with my family once, and she got mad at me for buying a 2 hour parking pass when we only needed an hour long pass, or something silly like that. Yelled at me in a very snotty tone in the middle of the parking lot in front of my family. I was burnt out from several days on the road with extended family, and her remarks really got to me. So I made a snide remark back, then she back at me, and we wound up in an argument there in front of the fam.

Well, afterwards I apologized to her for responding harshly and not handling the stress of a family trip well, and we had a long talk together about how we could communicate better and handle family situations more effectively. Kissed and made up. Apologized to the fam too for their having to see it.

But a few days later my parents called me and told me they were very concerned about me and my emotional state, that I needed to be medicated, didn't appreciate my SO enough, etc. At the time, I thought my parents made the call entirely of their own initiative, so I was quite upset, firstly, by how they were portraying me, but also because I felt they were unfairly taking sides in a matter between my SO and I. I told my SO about it, and she agreed it was unreasonable, and said things like "yeah, your parents just don't have any boundaries, they are very inappropriate"; so I then had a very difficult conversation with my parents telling them that my SO and I both felt it was inappropriate for them to take sides in our affairs, even if we were sorry for having a fight in front of them. It was only after she ended the r/s that I found out my SO had got my parents alone after our argument and told them about what a miserable, emotionally unavailable monster I am, and asked them to confront me about it. My parent's said they felt quite betrayed when they realized she'd goaded them into confronting me, only to then turn the victim card BACK ON THEM; so they just kept their mouths shut and avoided escalating things any further.

And when she was ending the r/s (almost two years after this incident), she spent HOURS telling me about how I ruined that trip for her. In her retelling, the fact that she went ballistic over a parking ticket was COMPLETELY written out of the history of the row we had, and she never admitted anything about her triangulating me and my family members against one another. Took no responsibility for her role in it at all. It was just evil Dr56 vs poor Mrs. 56, totally black and white. 

[Mister Brightside]

I didn't get into a relationship with her in as quickly a manner as she would have liked (immediately), so she painted me black and decided to get into a "relationship" with one of her former exes (who was married then, and is still married).

After that ended, she came back wanting to be my friend, of which I turned down and told her why. She said I clearly didn't understand the situation. Okay then.

Anyway, her being a victim comes in when I learned that she was upset the married guy was having sex with three other women. Here she is cheating with someone's husband, and she has the nerve to think she's a victim because there were three other mistresses.

[UserName69]

My ex always played the victim. When we broke up she spammed her entire wall begging for attention. Once when we broke up she talked to her former boss about me. An another time when we broke up she cut her self, she told me she called her ex. When we broke up permanently she said on facebook that she's going to commit suicide. Back then I had strong feelings for her and I tried to contact her for one day, next day she pretended like nothing happens. So I got upset and I told her you know if you want to whack yourself just do it, I really don't care.

We didn't had mutual friends and I never introduced her to any of my friends. So I really don't care what her friends think about me.

[SummerStorm]

Oh, mine was always the victim. 

Not long after we met, she started telling me about her past relationships.  Guess who always seemed to be at fault?  The other person.  One guy supposedly smashed her head into a wall.  Another threw her lamp and broke it.  Yet another just packed up and left her one day when she was at work.  It just went on and on.

Eventually, she started telling me all sorts of things about her boyfriend, whom she said she was leaving as soon as I got my own place.  First, he supposedly used the word "gay" in a negative manner and said it didn't affect her because she's bisexual.  Then, he supposedly left her all alone at a party.  That same night, he supposedly hit her and split her lip (she showed me a picture of her lip, but who knows how it actually got that way).  Then, it was that he was selfish and cared more about going to the gym and working on his car than helping her move her stuff.

She has lived five different places in the past year, and it's always someone else's fault when she has to leave.  Her dad and stepmom "kicked her out" for "no reason."  Her roommate got pregnant and needed my friend's room for the baby. 

When she got in trouble at work, it was that she was being targeted, and that other people did the same thing but never got yelled at. 

When she got annoyed with me, it was because I was acting "psychotic."  When she cut me out of her life completely, it was because I am a "poison." 

The list goes on and on... .

[NonBPDEx]

My ex was always playing the victim. She use to say "my ex husband always asked if he could be the victim sometime... ."



At least she was aware of it.

[Aussie0zborn]

She did it all the time. When she broke my hand by forcing the gate shut, I withdrew into my shell to assess the situation. She accused me of playing the victim when in fact she was the victim because... .I didn't do what she wanted at that time. Sorry, I can't be late for work for  no good reason and after blocking my egress and escaping her, I paid for my "sin" in the driveway. Two steel pins holding my hand together... .not very pleasant.

23 months post separation and she gets an interim restraining order against me. In this brief hearing she told the court how I stalked her in January (while I was overseas), how I followed her in April (while I was overseas) and how I was physically abusive all those years with tears streaming down her face. There was no opportunity for me to give evidence and the court found she was  a credible witness and noted "her demeanor" (the tears) added further credibility. If I didn't know her and stumbled into the court room to see her performance in the witness's box I would have believed her too. We have a full hearing soon and she will be found out to have committed perjury so all is good.

I asked myself... .why did she so need a restraining order when I have been NC for 23 months and wouldn't be seen dead driving past our house lest it gives credence to her smear campaign? Maybe to get more in settlement, maybe to add to the persecution for "abandoning" her when she abruptly ended it ( I ran from the house in the middle of the night for my own safety as police wouldn't remove her from the house).

Her whole campaign in settlement where she demands 100% is based on "all the abuse" and she continues to play the victim to the point she perjured herself in a court of law.

[Beach_Babe]

And when she was ending the r/s (almost two years after this incident), she spent HOURS telling me about how I ruined that trip for her. In her retelling, the fact that she went ballistic over a parking ticket was COMPLETELY written out of the history of the row we had, and she never admitted anything about her triangulating me and my family members against one another. Took no responsibility for her role in it at all. It was just evil Dr56 vs poor Mrs. 56, totally black and white. 

Yep. Always the victim.  Mine did this last year. Told me he was coming  to spend a week with me then dragged,me to see his buddy in Vegas. So two of those days were spent sleeping on a cheap hotel room floor in the company of 6 other strangers. It was awful and I was so upset. Afterward he blamed his "ruined" Vegas trip on me as the reason for his discard. It was awful I know your pain.  

[Infared]

Great topic.

My ex approached every situation as a victim. When I first got acquainted with her (through a work situation), she was living with someone, cheating on him with a married man with children and some how she was the victim.  

She lies to me, cheats on me and runs off with my replacement and somehow she is the victim.

She plays victim to her parents and always gets their sympathy. Everyone else is wrong.

I truly believe that she could have a knife in her hand and be stabbing a helpless person to death and the police could catch her in the act and she would play victim. ... .and you know what, she would act all demure, smile and be "cute" and the police would believe her and let her go.  She's REALLY REALLY good at playing the victim. Expert. And you know what else, it really works well for her. She gets whatever she wants whenever an "opportunity" arises.

She is not stopping anytime soon.  

What I have/have to look at is why did I think it was a good idea to come to her rescue. There lies my problem, and it is me.

[Infared]

Well, by the end, she was playing the victim card with respect to everything single thing that ever went on between us. One incident in particular that stood out:

We were on holiday with my family once, and she got mad at me for buying a 2 hour parking pass when we only needed an hour long pass, or something silly like that. Yelled at me in a very snotty tone in the middle of the parking lot in front of my family. I was burnt out from several days on the road with extended family, and her remarks really got to me. So I made a snide remark back, then she back at me, and we wound up in an argument there in front of the fam.

Well, afterwards I apologized to her for responding harshly and not handling the stress of a family trip well, and we had a long talk together about how we could communicate better and handle family situations more effectively. Kissed and made up. Apologized to the fam too for their having to see it.

But a few days later my parents called me and told me they were very concerned about me and my emotional state, that I needed to be medicated, didn't appreciate my SO enough, etc. At the time, I thought my parents made the call entirely of their own initiative, so I was quite upset, firstly, by how they were portraying me, but also because I felt they were unfairly taking sides in a matter between my SO and I. I told my SO about it, and she agreed it was unreasonable, and said things like "yeah, your parents just don't have any boundaries, they are very inappropriate"; so I then had a very difficult conversation with my parents telling them that my SO and I both felt it was inappropriate for them to take sides in our affairs, even if we were sorry for having a fight in front of them. It was only after she ended the r/s that I found out my SO had got my parents alone after our argument and told them about what a miserable, emotionally unavailable monster I am, and asked them to confront me about it. My parent's said they felt quite betrayed when they realized she'd goaded them into confronting me, only to then turn the victim card BACK ON THEM; so they just kept their mouths shut and avoided escalating things any further.

And when she was ending the r/s (almost two years after this incident), she spent HOURS telling me about how I ruined that trip for her. In her retelling, the fact that she went ballistic over a parking ticket was COMPLETELY written out of the history of the row we had, and she never admitted anything about her triangulating me and my family members against one another. Took no responsibility for her role in it at all. It was just evil Dr56 vs poor Mrs. 56, totally black and white.  

Just to identify with you Dr. 56 your topic comes under "playing victim and rewriting history in their favor".  My ex would just rewrite many situations and change the facts completely to make her the victim.  It was quite "magical". People bought it, too. Sometime I even thought she believed what she was saying... .I was never sure, but that's just part of their "charm".

It's interesting to watch what a pretty woman can "get away" with. Upsetting, too.

[going places]

Hmmmm... .

My ex is a master manipulator.

He will say "oh, I did this, and that was 100% my fault... .but... .

Then he starts weaving a story, where at the end, the listener is convinced, I am to blame.

At first I was afraid to go to a counselor, I was afraid I would be accused of 'playing the victim'.

I am so thankful, I finally went.

When a perfect stranger can finish your sentences for you, because your marriage (unknown to you) has been riddled with abuse since day one... .that sure helps you understand, that you are not crazy

[SummerStorm]

Just to identify with you Dr. 56 your topic comes under "playing victim and rewriting history in their favor".  My ex would just rewrite many situations and change the facts completely to make her the victim.  It was quite "magical". People bought it, too. Sometime I even thought she believed what she was saying... .I was never sure, but that's just part of their "charm".

It's interesting to watch what a pretty woman can "get away" with. Upsetting, too.

Yes, every time mine brought up her past relationships, she always made herself out to be the victim.  In my mind, because I was trying to be the white knight in her life, I kept thinking, "I can't believe she's dated so many awful people.  It's such a shame."  But at the same time, I also thought, "Are there really that many awful people out there that she hasn't dated a single good one?"  She once told me that she was living with one of her exes a few years ago, and he just packed up his things and left her one day.  She made him seem like the bad guy.  When I look back on it now, I can't help but think, "No, he was just being smart and getting the hell out of there." 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I'm not 100% certain but I believe my ex told her family that I broke up with her. I think she told her family up north whom she chose to move in with she left me. I don't have a 100% guarantee but there are numerous clues and scenarios that point to that conclusion.

   Her total of 1 friend knew me so they wouldn't have fell for it. I was so enmeshed and blinded by my own fight I would never have severed the cord. Things had started crumbling but I wasn't ready to abandon ship just yet. Playing the victim is far easier for her than telling the truth. She was a pathological liar. In fact, she still is. Knowing this you would think letting go would be so much easier. Jokes on us.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Just to identify with you Dr. 56 your topic comes under "playing victim and rewriting history in their favor".  My ex would just rewrite many situations and change the facts completely to make her the victim.  It was quite "magical". People bought it, too. Sometime I even thought she believed what she was saying... .I was never sure, but that's just part of their "charm".

It's interesting to watch what a pretty woman can "get away" with. Upsetting, too.

Yes, every time mine brought up her past relationships, she always made herself out to be the victim.  In my mind, because I was trying to be the white knight in her life, I kept thinking, "I can't believe she's dated so many awful people.  It's such a shame."  But at the same time, I also thought, "Are there really that many awful people out there that she hasn't dated a single good one?"  She once told me that she was living with one of her exes a few years ago, and he just packed up his things and left her one day.  She made him seem like the bad guy.  When I look back on it now, I can't help but think, "No, he was just being smart and getting the hell out of there." 

My ex... .all the way. I remember when she was telling me about her past relationships I said to myself, I will never make her feel like that. And I didnt. In fact, I felt so sorry for her that I convinced myself to always try harder and make it work. Make her feel safe. Make her feel loved. Do not abandon her. Kiss her scars don't become one.

   In the end, I gave her my heart and she handed it back with a pin less grenade. She just left.

[Tomzxz]

So true Agent_of_Chaos, I felt the same way!  I would never treat her like her past boyfriends and I didn't either.  I treated her too well frankly - much nicer than she ever deserved.  In the end I knew everything about her and she knew almost nothing about me and she accused me of "never" listening to her!   From the time I first met my ex, she would say that she doesn't like people who are professional victims. Of course the irony of that statement was that she was a professional victim herself in just about every area of her life - Past lovers, family, ex friends.  She had no problem taking 75 thousand dollars from her grandmother were the only stipulation was that she had to buy a house with it.  By then the grandmother was tired of watching her granddaughter constantly moving from one rat hole apartment to another between breakups. Despite taking the money, my ex had nothing but contempt for her aging grandmother and still does to this day because her brother received the same amount of money but could do as he pleased with it (hookers and video games apparently).   Co workers at work couldn't stand her training methods and would rather make mistakes than have her re train them, that seemed to inevitably be their fault.  After giving me the silent treatment for two months and only speaking to me in the same condescending manner that she spoke to her brother and grandmother, I yelled at her out of frustration telling her not to talk to me that way anymore.  Her lip quivered and she sat on the stairs in silence for an hour or two and got to play the victim role she lives for.  Come to think of it, I don't think I ever heard her say the words "I'm sorry" for anything in the 2.5 years we were together.  Sure there were a few admissions of guilt but they were usually balanced out with accusations too.  While breaking up, I told my ex she was a professional victim... .among other things.  She didn't like that very much. She's on face book now and recently referred to my apparent isolation of her during our relationship as a "faint heart never won a fair maiden" - I almost threw up reading her revisionist history.  O that's another thing.  She couldn't stand how her grandmother could change the narrative to fit her story yet she regularly does it herself.

I need to just stop looking at her bs fakebook life.

She is the quintessential Anna Karenina

[SummerStorm]

So true Agent_of_Chaos, I felt the same way!  I would never treat her like her past boyfriends and I didn't either.  I treated her too well frankly - much nicer than she ever deserved.  In the end I knew everything about her and she knew almost nothing about me and she accused me of "never" listening to her!

Yes, mine knew very little about me.  The first time we had sex, four months after we first became friends, my age somehow came up (There is a 7 year age difference between us; I am 29).  She joked about me being old and in my thirties or something, and I told her I wasn't even thirty yet.  She said, "Oh, I thought you were like 35 or something."  This wasn't long after I had told her once that it was neat that my birthday is 8/5/85 and my mom's is 4/6/46. 

A few weeks later, my age came up again somehow, and she said, "Well, don't you turn 30 in like a month?"  I replied, "I've told you I don't know how many times that my birthday is August 5th."  We were supposed to be best friends, and she had absolutely no clue when my birthday is, nor did she care.

She also never bothered to learn the names of my cats.  She came over to my house multiple times and slept over three times.  And I would send her pictures and include a caption about which cat it was.  Up until the day she cut me out of her life, she referred to my orange and white cat as the "ginger one with no soul."  His name is Storm, which is the name of my favorite basketball team, and which is prominently displayed all over my room.  Hell, she even borrowed a Storm t-shirt from me, which she never gave back. 

[Beach_Babe]

Summer: don't feel bad, mine couldn't remember my birthday (or exact age either) after 14 years.

[SummerStorm]

Summer: don't feel bad, mine couldn't remember my birthday (or exact age either) after 14 years.

Mine made a bs comment about how she had "too much other random information" in her head, like what color a giraffe's tongue is.  I was like, "Yeah, well you also have a cellphone with a calendar on it." 

[Beach_Babe]

Lol.

[greenmonkey]

My ex could have got an Oscar for her performances as a victim.

Her whole life was "Woe is me".

All her past was every one else fault - never hers, even though she was the common factor.

I feel for it hook line and sinker, I fell for her big time, I wanted to build my life around her everything. I cooked, cleaned, washed did everything for her at a whim. After all I believed she had been taken advantage of, and she was the poor victim and I wanted to make her life better.

Just like the ex's before me - she treated me dirt, painted me black at every opportunity, twisted the truth around so she became the victim and I was the nasty one. I never met any of her 'friends' - now I know why - they had this image of the poor woe is me victim that she had painted so well and me being Dr Evil - that if I ever met any of them her facade would shatter, and she would be revealed as a pathological liar.

She took it to extremes, when my patience ran out - and I got the strength to kick her out, one of the last emails was she was now in a safe house - made me wonder what she fabricated about me.

I am more concerned about my well being - I know I put 1000% into it - just for me to be kicked in the face and for someone to attempt to destroy me psychologically, emotionally and financially.

[honeybadger]

Constantly played the victim. The universe is conspiring against him.

As a couple, we had been trapped in the Karpman Drama Triangle, pretty much since the r/s began. We  played all roles but he was usually  the victim and I was usually  the rescuer.  I have decided to actively move to the center... .to peace.

www.johngouletmft.com/Breaking_The_Drama_Triangle_Newest.pdf

[Tim300]

So I haven't used Facebook like in a year, typically I only log on once or twice a year if that.  It was raining today and I was bored, logged in and I saw my ex posted an article from somewhere.

Basically it revolves around the subject of "Be a nice person" and how you shouldn't be with a person that verbally or physically abuse you and such.

Okay, so I was just thinking, "Be a nice person", ha, she's FAR FAR away from being nice. Till now, she is still thinking of me in black and that it was me, who verbally abused her (after the fact she called police on me with false allegations over something I did NOT do) and because I lashed out on her after her absurd accusations, she was the victim because I was the abusive husband. How typical.

So how far did your ex go in terms of painting herself as a victim?

My pwBPD had a lifetime of supposed victimization to complain about before we got underway with our serious relationship.  I don't believe any of it now.  This is one of the BPD red flags I would look out for -- early on hearing about how so many people victimized her.

With regards to me, I know that in between breakups she was telling people I was controlling, etc., when just the exact opposite was the truth.  I was bending over backwards at times to accommodate her, etc.  When we would get back together she would try to hide me from these people because she knows she'd be exposed for making up whatever she said about me.  For the final breakup, a friend told me she was posting post after post on Facebook about how she can no longer trust, etc.  (I've blocked her on Facebook and this info was provided to me even though I said I didn't want updates.)  I'm almost certain that 100% of people who know both of us saw right through it (i.e., took my side).  I know that one of her distant relatives did because he continued to like my Facebook photos.  I should add that this final breakup was 100% her doing, in a hurtful way, for no normal reason (one reason provided was "I no longer like the way I speak to you.".  Also, she seemed to have at least 1 additional guy lined up.  It's just insanity -- it's BPD.