Minimising the Damage

[Trog]

Hi all

Most of our friends and family, thankfully, hav never been in a relationship with a personality disordered individual and there does come a time whereby they are beginning to wonder why you can still be upset. I was watching an old video from the Spartan Life Coach the other day and it struck a chord that all these crazy behaviours from the ex, when taken as a whole, had the effect on me to keep me in a permanent state of adrenaline.

I just wrote on another thread but basically I haven't gone a day with my ex whereby there wasn't some huge argument, mental breakdown, threat or actual violence, her cutting, causing a scene, threatening to leave, winding me up about her fidelity, telling me she didn't fancy me anymore or a life shattering drama of some kind. I am exhausted. Ive totally self isolated, this is the longer ive gone without sex or a partner since 16 and while it's certinly a good thing to get over a relationship I think, despite knowing im very hurt and upset, really minimised just how much stress this has put my mind and body under. I would say I am unrecognisable as the jolly, jokey, playful person I was before I met my ex. But it's in everyone's interests to minimise 'the break up'. Everyone wants me to be over it, my parents, the women i meet think I'm strange for waiting for so long and even myself, it feels like im letting her win.

I am doing all the right things, concentrating on rebuilding my life but Im sad to say I don't think I'm going to be shrugging the effects of five years of day on day out stress and adrenaline any time soon. Add to that the disappointment of a failed marriage and it's a bloody big deal. Im not advocating wallowing in self pity but I think many of us feel a bit pathetic sometimes because hey, it's just a breakup! The breakup isn't the problem it's the complex PTSD that's hurting, ive been confused about where my pain was lying, I am beginning to see it's not her, her personality or lifestyle that has caused me such pain in my soul, it's the effects of her, losing my identity, always being on high alert. It wasn't a marriage, it was a mental torture day in day out. It sounds very dramatic, but I assure you, non stop adrenaline is very bad for you, if you see a photo of me before and after 5 years you could not see it is the same person.

Im beginning to understand a new meaning by the 'be kind to yourself' advice, if the scars were physical rather than mental I'd look like I'd gone 10 rounds a day with Tyson.

We were also encouraged minimise our needs and emotions IN the relationship so finding them after is so strange and alien / it takes a real effort to know how you feel about anything. I also minimise with my T, only last week telling her of the serious issues ive faced.

Do you find yourself minimising the effects of this relationship? That in itself is an abuse of our truth and hinders healing.

[disillusionedandsore]

Isnt there a quote somewhere that says the reason we are able to stay in addictive relationships is that we pretend that the negative moment isnt happening? Well for me when the reality of a PD hit,  there was no pretending the negative moment didnt exist it was more like realising just how many there were,  like you said daily torture... .We spent hours and hours together,  that's a huge amount of weird to process... .It makes sense to be depleted physically,  emotionally and mentally.  I know I am... .

[going places]

Do you find yourself minimising the effects of this relationship? That in itself is an abuse of our truth and hinders healing.

I was JUST explaining to a friend last night the tremendous amount of damage done to the human body when it's in constant fight or flight mode. The hormones, and chemicals dumped into the system. The enzimes, cortisol, adrenaline, etc that is constantly dumping, wearing out your pancress, liver, kidneys... .not to mention the brain injury caused by PTSD.

No, after intense amounts of reading, I am fully aware of what the 25 year long marriage did to me... .especially the last 10.

Never again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Trog, I understand.  Like most of us Nons, you had to be on Red Alert in order to stay in a BPD r/s.  You need not do that anymore.  Of course you are exhausted.  Maybe it would be helpful to sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  Your feelings are part of you, yet if you are like me you may have become disconnected from your own emotions during marriage to a pwBPD.  Yes, it's about self-acceptance and loving oneself, which is something I neglected during 16 years of marriage to a pwBPD.  Now, I strive to be authentic and true to my self.  "Become who you are," as Nietzsche put it.

LuckyJim