A question for those who have an undiagnosed ex

[AwakenedOne]

Before you figured out that your ex has BPD what did you think was wrong with them, if anything?

Overall at the time I thought my wife was extremely moody and "different" <-(whatever that means... .) and from midway to the end increasingly dangerous to be around and scary.

It seems now that most of the marriage I was attempting to pacify a baby until the point the baby just crawled away.

[dobie]

Before you figured out that your ex has BPD what did you think was wrong with them, if anything?

Overall at the time I thought my wife was extremely moody and "different" <-(whatever that means... .) and from midway to the end increasingly dangerous to be around and scary.

It seems now that most of the marriage I was attempting to pacify a baby until the point the baby just crawled away.

Paranoia under stress , I thought mostly she was an insecure clingy depressed anxious person just before we split I was like wow "she is so immature" I remember saying to her I'm not your emotional punching bag" near the end

She had a way of making me feel it was mostly my fault or apologising to keep the peace

Now I can see her lack of self her need for soothing her need to be lead her black & white thinking her selfishness her temper tantrums,  distrust  etc

Hyper sensitive to criticism of any kind no sense of houmour

Any good she did would be usually be under duress and she would act like a martyr she was BPD lite I can't imagine the hell of a full BPD partner


Her sense of entitlement when it comes to her "happiness"

She was truly one of the most selfish people I have ever known she was careful to keep that side hidden at first

God how did I just glide along and miss all this! talk about being in a FOG

I guess I was always trying to keep the peace or soothe help and or encourage her to be happy .

I was her coach (sigh)

She was crafty and devious so she was careful not to push too far with me

[FannyB]

Menopausal!    Right age and I was unaware of mental illnesses that actually made you behave really good before going 'bad'! I always assumed that craziness was a permanent thing that couldn't be hidden.

[Gonzalo]

At first I thought I wasn't good at communicating, and that I just needed to get better at talking about feelings and we'd be OK. I knew she had some issues, but they seemed like something that was manageable as long as I learned and avoided the triggers, and I just blamed things on my lack of relationship experience, with a lot of help for her. Then I felt like it was just the stress of our living situation (she moved in with me, we were looking for a new house but it took longer, then we found a house and moved after about 7 months) and adjusting to being in each other's space. I almost broke up with her about 3 months after she moved in with me because of all of the arguments, but we went to counseling and kept talking myself into staying. I kept believing it was temporary and due in a large part to me not being able to communicate well.

Once we moved and things continued to get worse, I thought I was going crazy, and this was helped by her projection and gaslighting. It wasn't until I started looking up my symptoms that I kept seeing 'it's possible you're involved with someone who has borderline personality disorder'. As I read more about it (especially people stories of arguments that sound like they were recording me and my ex-), I realized that she either has it or some other major issue with the same symptoms. After she blew up at me for trying to schedule a talk that she wanted, I almost broke up with her, but gave her the option of going to therapy. We went for a while, but it didn't work (I later found out she considered the therapy solely for me to learn to communicate, she didn't believe she had an issue), and she made the final break with me, which I accepted to her surprise.

[cosmonaut]

It's a very good question, AO, and it goes to one of the most difficult aspects of ourselves: what were we receiving in the relationship?  Why was it so important for us to engage in the dysfunction?

Like you, I didn't know anything about BPD while I was with my ex.  I knew, however, that my ex was deeply damaged from the start.  I also knew that she was quite different and that she engaged in some very unhealthy coping mechanisms.  I knew quickly that she was traumatized.  I saw that she would often withdraw seemingly without reason.  I always thought that this was temporary.  I believed that we (even I) could fix all of this.  That this would all eventually go away and we would live happily ever after.  There was deep denial going on within me.  I loved my ex very sincerely.  That was real.  I wanted her to not suffer.  That was real too.  But I also was seeking something in the relationship.  I too was bringing my own core wounds to the relationship.  And in many ways these were so important that I was willing to overlook, even excuse, everything else.

Almost all of us were receiving something in the deep degree of idealization and mirroring that our ex provided for us.  In some cases this may be ego as in the case of NPD partners, but often it is core wounds of our own.  I see that commonly here, and it was certainly true for me.  I've shared before that I grew up with an NPD mother.  I often felt invisible and inadequate as a child.  My parents told me in a million little ways how much I didn't matter.  I never realized until my own healing here how much this had affected me.  I thought that I'd moved on and that I just hadn't been particularly close to my parents.  Lots of people are like that, right?  I hadn't realized how the idealization of my ex soothed this ancient wound inside of me.  How I felt seen and heard for the first time in my life.  How I felt loved and accepted just for who I am.  I had been conditioned all my life to believe that love had to be earned.  Here was a woman who loved me just because I was me.  So, I was soothing her desperate need for attachment, just as she was soothing my desperate need to be seen.  Losing that was devastating, just as losing her attachment to me was almost certainly devastating for her (thus, the disappearing without a trace).

It's a very good question, AO.  What do you think that your ex was providing you?

[Mutt]

Hey AwakenedOne,

I didn't think mental illness and I did think she had issues with anger, very immature, not thinking things through with shoot first aim later and extreme stubbornness.

[Madison66]

I certainly didn't understand PDs at that time and thought there were a combination of things that contributed to some of the strange behavior early on. First, her H had left her for another woman a year earlier and she was struggling raising three young kids on her own. Also, she told me she had been sexually abused by a female coach in HS. Additionally, she told me her parents neglected her feelings and she never formed a normal attachment with her mom. So, abandonment issues, sexual abuse and trauma as a youth, and lack of normal attachment with parents especially her mom at a very young age. The love bombing was stronger than I've ever encountered and I just thought she had had a tough 40 years of life. She kept it pretty well in check the first few months and then things started getting weird. Then it was my fault. Typical crap!

[confounded]

Acting first, very emotionally, and thinking about it later, if even then. Claiming someone as a good friend, though that person had told me they hardly knew her. Getting introduced to a close friend (according to her), whom she later cut off suddenly and completely (as she soon did to me). Avoiding places she used to frequent, because she didn't want to meet the people there anymore. Come-ons that were inappropriate to the situation, yet did not seem to be driven by the usual motives (this is a complex matter due to my relationship views, so I won't go intro detail here). Putting some effort into not seeing me while at the same time claiming that she wanted to spend time with me (it was a real PITA trying to set up a date with her; even when a suitable time was found, she was likely to cancel it just before).

[blissful_camper]

I felt that his issues (maladaptive coping skills) were a result of adult life experience and the insular community where he resides.  However, I erroneously thought that if he felt emotionally safe in our relationship that his maladaptive coping skills would fall away.  A few months before I left the r/s I came out of the fog a little.  The picture broadened enough for me to see that his issues had probably begun in childhood.  That's when I suspected that he had a personality disorder.  

[PetitFrite]

I thought he had PTSD and low self-esteem, from being orphaned, at first.  Then later I just thought he was a hateful, selfish, needy SOB.  I debated on whether he had some narcissism going on, but that didn't seem to fit. I'd heard the term BPD thrown around hadn't much idea of what it was until after we split up.  In school it was "women who cut themselves for attention and either adore you or hate you."

[JRT]

Mine was a waif/hermit so the only manifestations were recycles, internalizing, raging against her son and the final breakup.

-The recycles were just a fear of giving up a lifestyle that she was entrenched in after being single for many years. Something that she needed to 'get through'. They because shorter in duration and frequency and I thought they were over.

-The internalizing was something that I knew was not normal but there really were no problems as a result. My attitude was to not fix what wt was not broken or causing problems.

-Her son was a misfit for sure. Her rages at him when he screwed something up (and that happened daily) were pointless towards a solution; I just felt that she wasn't that great of a parent. In hindsight, he was a misfit BECAUSE of his mother. Her rages at the expense of loving and nurturing him ensured that he would be dysfunctional.

-Mine disappeared and cut me off entirely. There never was an argument nor was there ever any expression of of discontent. In fact, there was a mountain of evidence that she was entirely content. Ultimately, it was the way that she b/u and dealt with the aftermath that led me here and to conclude that she was highly likely a pwBPD.

Eight months later and I still have not heard from her... .don't even know where she lives.

[valet]

I thought that she was fairly insecure, a little bit childlike, and had had a somewhat rough childhood. She was absolutely wonderful other than that though, at least for about 1.5 years of the relationship.

[Pretty Woman]

I was shocked the first time she went ape shiz over a topic I did not agree with her on. I don't remember what it was, it was not all that important of a topic, but she called me an "ass" and went off on me.

I remember where I was standing in my kitchen.   I asked her to give me my key back and she screamed "Noo!" and ran out of the house with it crying.

This is a 41 year old woman.  I stood there thinking, what the heck is wrong with this person. She begged me not to give up on her and I recanted.

Then all the shyt hit the fan. Every three months she was dumping me over something stupid. Would dump me and change her number.

I stuck it out until recently (last month) when she replaced me for someone we both knew two weeks... .a week before a very expensive vacation we had planned.

Mexico, here I come... .

[Sunfl0wer]

I thought he simply had PTSD from his exW who has classic BPD.  Also some cultural differences made what I was seeing as having "no boundaries" confusing.  It was quite hard to spot for anyone.  (He is high functioning... .a mix of mostly NPD traits with some BPD traits)

He does not present as emotionally clingy.  Has a more detached attachment style.  Overall unspoken attitude of, "I don't need or depend on anyone."

[AwakenedOne]

What do you think that your ex was providing you?

She was supposedly giving me her love. I finally had found someone I really clicked with on almost all levels it seemed. I had no clue what level of messed up she was though till I would say somewhere around a month after we were married when her mom became very jealous of us and the lack of a BFF she was now to her and the weird reaction my wife had to her moms confrontation of her on that. It gave me a sick feeling. Things still went for the most part great for the next year and then started to fall apart in a horror show of violence, selfishness and creepyness. There were signs she was messed up though before we were married but I didn't read them right at the time. One of the biggest mistakes I made was believing I was supposed to stick it out in the marriage and God would help us. Or was it a mistake? Who knows? God can do all and fix all right? Then again we both had free will too though? At least I stuck it out.

I actually really loved this woman with all my heart. Not a love of being worshipped and adored etc... .To some level, hey who wouldn't want to be thought of as handsome or a beautiful souled man or similar description from your wife? I am one here though who honestly for the most part was creeped out and didn't like being idolized. Every time she told me "I know we will never argue" or how I am so handsome that I should be painted on the walls of a famous museum so that the world can see me etc... .Or how I am more handsome than the famous statues of men etc... .etc... .I never heard stuff like this from a woman. I actually was really bothered by it. I don't know how to describe my feeling. It was a feeling I should of not ignored though. Creeped out is the closest I guess to describe the idolization. I have never read of anybody else having the same thoughts of the idolization phase as me here at this site. I guess it was a BS warning alert going off to me. I felt so weird telling her that we will argue one day because that's what normal people do no matter how much they love each other and how I am nowhere as good looking as the famous men statues in museums.

Again I loved her. I actually loved her soul. I loved who she portrayed herself to be? Was it fake, was it real? Somebody said recently that the BPD ex is all of what you saw together in total. The good and bad, the sweetness and also the raging cruel person. They are all of it or maybe they are nothing but a temporary emotion robot? I guess what I believe is they are everything, the good and the bad. That seems to make the most sense.

I fell in love with her inner beauty that shinned to all that met her. People would smile and glow during and after they talked to her. What a wonderful woman I felt I had met, became engaged to and then married. I didn't fall in love with her to hear that I'm great or because now I have someone to kiss or whatever... .At the time I met her I was not even remotely interested in marrying anytime soon.

But to answer your question about what I got from her? It depends on what part of the four year marriage. The last year and a half I didn't get much from her but grief and injuries. Still though on average one day a week was wonderful. Big deal though, the rest of the week was a horror movie. I looked at the one day a week nice wife... .and dreamed?... .or thought?... . that she will become the seven day a week nice wife with enough love or prayers answered. That didn't happen though.

[fromheeltoheal]

I thought she had an inability to really connect and was addicted to chaos.  Now that I know what I know I still think that, but now I know why.

[rotiroti]

I thought she was this bubbly extroverted romantic.

Crazy passionate sex met with the cold shoulder... how i was walking on egg shells around the house

constantly pushing and pulling

constantly nitpicking everything i do and tearing apart my character for criticism

selective memory

substance abuse

cheating

I felt so unhappy and unsafe while at home