BPDh's lack of identity

[Keiba]

I just posted an introductory post, but that one got so long, I thought I it would be better if I started a separate thread for my question  

During some of our conversations about his diagnosis, and in our therapy sessions, my BPDh will start saying things that sound familiar.  And then I'll realize he's quoting my diary.  I've seen him look in it when I am not looking, but he doesn't know I know.  It's as if he's taking my thoughts and making them his own.  Or, he's saying what he thinks we want to hear.  I know lack of identity is an issue with BPD.  My husband has always been a bit of a chameleon - changing faces, interests, even accents, depending on who is around.  This is actually a very good skill to have in his line of work, and makes his clients feel a connection with him. But, it's concerning in a relationship. Does this sound like a lack of his own identity or manipulation.  And, what do I do about that?

Thanks!

Keiba

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, Keiba! 

Sounds like you've been through a lot, and kudos to you for waking up.  About the lack of identity, that seems to be a core part of the disorder, and there's not really anything you can do to cure that.  As long as he continues to suffer from BPD, it is likely that the lack of identity will remain.

As to your diary, you have a right to keep that private, so you might consider hiding your diary in a new spot or converting it to electronic format in a password-protected file. 

Hang in there, and be sure to check out the links to the Lessons at the right side of this page.

[Gonzalo]

My ex- would often figure out what I was going to complain about, then complain about it with our positions reversed before I could make (or finish) my complaint. This meant that my side of things would never get addressed, and she could easily dismiss my complaint either by saying that I was copying her, or turning it into a 'we're both equally responsible' situation. Before I figured out that I was dealing with BPD, I thought it was a sign that we had some basic, fixable communication issues and that it was a positive that we both felt the same thing was wrong. Once I realized the pattern and understood BPD behavior, I realized that it was actually a very bad sign.

I didn't have a diary or any other record she could read, I think that they are good at picking up on what the problems are and what behaviors people don't like, even if their conscious mind won't recognize it.

[Keiba]

Thank you both for answering!

My ex- would often figure out what I was going to complain about, then complain about it with our positions reversed before I could make (or finish) my complaint. This meant that my side of things would never get addressed, and she could easily dismiss my complaint either by saying that I was copying her, or turning it into a 'we're both equally responsible' situation. 

That sounds very familiar!  Reading this message board has been so helpful to me.  I have lived this way for so long, it is easy for me to excuse away behaviors, or convince myself I am overreacting. It is quite a relief to read other people's similar experiences, and be validated that this behavior is *not* the norm in a healthy relationship.

Thank you!

Keiba