Massive public scene/outrageous behaviour.

[RoseB]

My gf and I gave been together over a year. She was diagnosed last year, hasn't received much therapy or responded to medication. Yesterday was the first dramatic episode in nearly four months. And boy was it a big one. We were at a beach music festival with my friends and family. About 2000 people there. She had gone off alone to the toilet and been gone about 10 minutes. After she returned my friend and I need to go to the bathroom too so I asked her if she wanted to come with us and maybe get an ice cream too. She immediately said no and was very huffy that I was going with my friend. So I said we'd be back in a few minutes. When I returned she spent about half an hour pretending to cry. There were no tears. Then I tried talking to her nicely about why it had upset her. She wasn't happy that I'd left her - even though I offered her to come. She'd been drinking but wasn't very drunk. Anyway. She started screaming and shouting and waving her glass bottle around alarming everyone. She then stormed out of the area where we were and began walking towards the sea. My mum alerted the security knowing her mental health issues. Before I knew it she had stripped off and was swimming out to sea. About half a mile out. Police and lifeguards were all over the beach trying to get her back. A lifeboat and AIR SEA RESCUE HELICOPTER showed up. Meanwhile the people from the festival had flocked onto the beach in horror at what was going on. She was rescued and taken to hospital. I went with her. Everything was okay until she started accusing me of not going in the sea after her, why didn't of follow her etc etc. She started being very nasty about it. I tried being calm and explaining that it was best for the lifeguards to go but she wouldn't accept this. I ended up leaving the hospital and she followed me in a stalk like manner. I told her I couldnt be with her anymore and that i deserve better than this. She tried physically restraining me so I couldn't leave. Passers by had to pull her off me and threatened her with the police unless she stopped. I haven't spoken to her since this happened yesterday.

I love my gf but this kind of behaviour isn't acceptable. I don't want the relationship to end because I hope she can improve. This was the first crazy episode for a while. But I don't know if staying will accomplish anything

[OnceConfused]

Mental illness cannot be turned off like a switch.

Staying with a mentally illed person who does not recognize their problems and try to use available means (therapy or medications), is a LONG and painful road - which leads to lots of suffering . Just read the posts on the staying board and this board to see all the stories around you.

Read the story of Hurthusband  here on this board, who cannot get out and how much anguish he has been. If you can get out now, then take the path. It will be hard at first, but in the long run your life will be much happier.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Putting themselves in physical danger to see who rescues them is unfortunately not uncommon.  Sometimes that's even how they begin a relationship with a 'rescuer' personality.  Think about it - even if she wasn't with you, if anyone had jumped in after her, she would have a new 'rescuer' target to latch onto.

I'm sure there was also quite a rush of adrenaline for you as all of this was happening.  That's the part I've been trying to deal with myself.  I've become 'addicted to the craziness' much like any other addiction.  It's easy for me to post on here that you need to leave, but I understand it's much harder to do it yourself.  Hang in there and keep posting when you need to.

[Surg_Bear]

RoseB-

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.  Holy crazy.  I felt sickened and horrified just reading it.

But this behavior, the display she made, was ALL FOR YOU.

I try not to encourage staying or leaving, when someone posts, but you've only been together 1 year.  May seem a lifetime, but a 1 year love affair is a drop in the bucket of a human being's life span.

The efforts and patience you'll need to give to make this relationship work for you, seems to me to be a one-sided, no-win situation. 

This is how this massive public scene plays out in my head:

1.  You have to use the restroom, and invite her to come.

2.  She says no to you- thereby creating the "abandonment" with her own choice.  This was the set-up.  The bait, if you will.

3.  You take care of a normal, human bodily function, and when you return, the drama starts- fake crying, carrying on, etc.

4. You tried to validate her feeling of abandonment, which was not enough, instead of taking the bait for more conflict.

5.  She had no choice but to invite the whole crowd in on her need for conflict, and entered into a behavior which could have been life threatening- requiring water rescue crews to be deployed on her behalf.

6.  She blamed you for not rescuing her in her dramatic "suicide" attempt and attacked you physically for trying to save yourself.

I hear what you're saying.  You are absolutely right:  this behavior is not acceptable.  You deserve to be treated SO MUCH better than this.

I don't know how old you guys are, and I'm hoping for your gf's sake, that she is in her late teens / early 20's.  Can you imagine how much MORE disturbing this would be if she was a 50 year old woman?

A couple days ago, I replied to a guy's post that said, "if you don't make these changes in yourself now, 25 years will go by, and he'll find himself having to ask permission to use the toilet when out to dinner."

You're already there- going pee is a relationship destroying act of abandonment.

How worth it to you, is a relationship like this, unhappily ever after?

PLease, what ever you do, make sure you're doing it for you.  Nothing you can do will change her.

Good luck-

Surg_Bear

[Mutt]

Hi RoseB,

I am sorry you and your family had to go through that. Wow.

What was the trigger? Is she anxious around large crowds? To her credit she has made an attempt at therapy, and it has to be difficult and scary that you learn that you suffer from a very difficult disorder. Perhaps this could be a catalyst for her and it could take time for her to commit to therapy?

I don't think the disorder identifies the person, BPD is a spectrum disorder and each individual is unique as well. I think it's a good that you're here and that way you can step back and look at the bigger picture.

Was there anything else before the beach music fest? Was she emotionally dysregulated?

[RoseB]

Thank you very much for the replies. Is it best to just not go after them at all when they start engaging in dramatic/self harming behaviour? Is that what they want? If I don't go after her maybe she will learn that nothing will come of behaving like this. On the other hand, I do care about her and want to make sure she's physically safe. She will make me feel guilty if I don't do anything. She may even end the relationship if she's not getting what she wants from me. Obviously if she would break up over that then it's not the relationship I want anyway. And in response to the age question, we are both 22. That's something we've talked about as she knows it's not normal for an adult to act like she does sometimes and we're not getting any younger