More stuff to work on, 4 years after 20 year relationship with BPDXH

[JDoe]

From time to time, since I left my BPDXH and divorced him, some emotional scar will surface that I need to work on.  I am blessed to have a good support system- my faith, my mom, my new and mentally pretty healthy husband, and a SIL who is a counselor.

I just realized that when I get upset, either at myself or with someone else, my default is to shut down.  It felt like I could just be quiet and keep to myself and sort through my feelings for a while.  But my mom and my husband have recently, lovingly, let me know that it appears that I am "in a funk" and makes people uncomfortable or concerned for me.  Mom even said I look pinched and shuttered when this happens.  It is not often, but I needed to figure out why this occurs, because it does not feel like me. 

After some praying and thinking, it occurred to me this morning!   Shutting down and erecting a spiked wall around himself was exactly what my BPDXH did.  It was his go-to reaction to everything.  And it was ugly and hurtful.

I am hopeful that seeing the root of this behavior/reaction will be the beginning of changing it.  For 20 years, I marinated in that unhealthy environment of anger and the typical BPD "I-hate-you-don't-leave-me" and it has left deeper scars than I knew.

Any one else learning about their unhealthy reactions and working to do better?

Bless you,

JDoe

[Rubies]

Is it a shut down or putting yourself on time out?   I know when I get physically or emotionally overwhelmed I put myself on time out for a few days.  Some of those boundary setting and enforcement with BPD flying monkey episodes had me dropping the blinds, turning off the phone, eat well, sleep well and enjoy solitude for a couple of days recharging my batteries.   I found it wonderfully refreshing and beneficial to my recovery.  My wonderful therapist at the time considered it a very healthy thing to do.   

Yes, there were those who criticized.  I explain I put myself on time out because I need my quiet space   to stay out of trouble.   I am not unhappy or in a funk, I am overwhelmed and need to recover.   I am not responsible for how others perceive me or feel about my need  for solitary down time.