How do you know when the time has come to let it go?

[Darsha500]

Hi, this is my first post and i could use some feedback.

I've been in a relationship with a BPD for about 2 and 1/2 months now. We've broken up multiple times and just got back together for the third time; our relationship has been incredibly tumultuous. I've tried very diligently to make things "work." For example, I've been reading multiple books: The high conflict couple, overcoming borderline personality disorder, a new hope for people with borderline personality disorder, and stop care taking the borderline. We've even done couples counseling together. But I'm at my wits end.

I'm sure it doesn't help that this is my first serious relationship ever. Meeting her was like a dream come true. Being insecure and inexperienced when it comes to women and dating, I was delighted when she fell into my lap, so to speak. I didn't have to do anything other than be myself and she became infatuated with me; recognizing all the qualities in me that I feel make me a worthy person.  I welcomed all the positive attention, feeling like " finally someone loves me for who I am."

She warned me about her disorder when I first met her. Even giving me the DSM symptoms checklist. Being a psychology major and aspiring psychotherapist, I figured I could handle whatever I had coming.

Quickly, though, red flags became apparent. Within a week of being together she proposed I ask her to marry her. Etc etc. I could go on but I don't think it's worth while to get into all the details. The point is our relationship has followed a very standard BPD relationship template. At least from what I have read.

When we got back together the second time, we made a pact. Part of the pact was that she would get into DBT and I would redo my steps (for AA). However, prior to our last break up she told me that she didn’t want to intervene in my program, and also, that she didn’t think she had BPD anymore. That was a blow, as I’ve been hoping that her getting into DBT would help to “fix our relationship.” I recognize that this may be rather naive thought, but i still cling to the idea.

After we broke up last week (over the fact that i am planning on going to grad school within a couple of years - triggering her abandonment issues) I was very committed to staying separate. I’ve told myself, “Im letting go completely,” that, “I must walk away and not look back.” - That "there is no hope for us." I even went so far as to block her, so as to keep her from getting back into my life so i could properly grieve and move on.

But Yesterday she emailed me from a new email. Against the advice of many articles I’ve read, I read her email asking if we could talk “like adults.” Whats more, my mom actually interviewed in our relationship by messaging her on Facebook and telling her how depressed i had been and how much I missed her. My mom also showed me a post she (the BPD)  had written about me and how much she missed me, which knocked me down a peg or two. Finally, last night, she messaged my mom again telling her that if i wanted to talk i could meet her at her work. I considered posting on this board before i left, but instead i decided to go see what she had to say.

Part of me regrets the choice I made to go see her. When i got to her house she revealed to me the reason why she had actually broken things off last week: She cheated on me with her ex boy friend. Not only did she have sex with him, she also got pierced by him multiple times. Her ex even said that he was punishing her for cheating on me. Jesus Christ I was repulsed. And yet, moments after recoiling from the shock, the caretaker/codependent in me became activated. Rather than focusing on how intense of a blow i had just been dealt, I looked to her with compassion and forgiveness, as she said the experience had been a horrific one. She said she realized why she had left him and how much pain he had caused her and i could tell she was remorseful. At that point i felt the urge to hold her and to ask the question, "what if i forgave you, what if we continued to be in a relationship and tried to work things out again?"

Following this things started to lighten up, we even had a few laughs like old times. I then began to explain how much i had learned about BPD, and how much merit I saw in its treatment. Proposing that if our relationship is to flourish (which may be to strong of a word considering the circumstances), then we (she) would need to take advantage of all the treatment options that are available. I even mentioned this website. Because she had been feeling like dying the last couple of days, she admitted that she still was displaying symptoms and so i believe is willing to check things out. We left each other exclaiming that we wanted to stay together.

As i began my drive home, I was struck by the thought, "WHAT HAVE I DONE! I WAS FREE! WHY DID I GO BACK! WHY! EVEN AFTER I FOUND OUT SHE CHEATED ON ME!"

Now here I am: Ambivalent. One thing my attention is on as of late is my willingness to put my self through this hell. I question my sanity. I can clearly see that it is routed in my own attachment issues. I think, "What kind of a man are you to allow all this to happen to you?" It's complicated. Complicated especially by my idealistic notion of the power of love - which, though i frame cynically, is very important to me.

What do I want? I want our relationship to be functional and healthy. But it often feels futile. There is much work to be done... .Or, is it pointless. Such are the conflicting voices that speak to me.

Any feedback is appreciated.

[Schermarhorn]

Hey Darsha. I have been going through something nearly identical. She was my first serious relationship and we broke up multiple times after the course of a couple months. I completely understand what you mean by how nice it is that "she completely fell into your lap", because I have issues with girls as well. She felt a dream come true as you said.

It's been over a month since we last spoke, and she had a replacement for me on deck. It is really hard not to think about her 24/7, but this has made me feel a little better about it.

Imagine if she did fix all her problems and the relationship was perfect, at this point you will be constantly thinking about how she cheated on you. You may have forgiven her now, but after it sets in... .it is going to bother you. If you can manage to get off clean while having closure, it will honestly be so much better for you. I hate to say it, but you have no future with someone like that.

This is one of those decisions you are going to make that has a seemingly "easy/short term solution" and the "hard solution". I don't think a single person has ever been glad they have stayed with someone with BPD, or at least someone as young as us.

[Loosestrife]

When I felt that:

    unhappy > happy

That's the mathematician in me 

[once removed]

hey darsha500 and

theres a lot you communicate that i can relate to. i have a very idealistic notion of love. its a value of mine.

its great that youve done a lot of reading; understanding the disorder really helps depersonalize some of the very complicated things weve been through.

whatever your choice is, it is a very personal one, and there is no right or wrong answer. no contact (or whether or not to read emails) is one tool for some people in some situations. its not a rule.

should you choose to continue, it will require a great amount of emotional strength. that is not at all to suggest choosing to walk away is weakness, on the contrary, both require a great deal of emotional strength. my point being that it will ultimately be useful to turn some of your focus from understanding her to understanding yourself. youve demonstrated a great capacity to do this in your post already. it is ultimately the key to either strengthening your relationship, or recovering from it; and perhaps helping you choose.

what im aiming at and speaking to, is from the following article. its more for a person exiting a relationship, but this part really speaks to either situation, and yours specifically.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

"4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now. For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face."

i mentioned my own idealistic notion of love. i guess the long and short of it is that ive had to adjust what my notion really is. some of my ideals misled me... .or i misled them. i still value my idealistic notion of love, but i realized i wasnt living it.

hope this helps. please keep posting. we are here for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Now here I am: Ambivalent. One thing my attention is on as of late is my willingness to put my self through this hell. I question my sanity. I can clearly see that it is routed in my own attachment issues. I think, "What kind of a man are you to allow all this to happen to you?"

Hey Darsha, You are not alone, my friend.  We've all asked ourselves the same questions, which I find normal for someone in a BPD r/s.  It is hard to understand why we stay.  The answer, I would suggest, is usually found by exploring the wound.  What wound?  Everyone is different, of course, but in many cases there is some trauma or unresolved issue from childhood that is played out in a BPD r/s.  Just a guess . . .

Another way of looking at it is that we "get" something out of a BPD r/s that makes us feel more complete and better.  Those w/BPD are very good at sensing and providing what we lack inside.  Your task, I would suggest, is to figure out what it is you are "getting" out of the BPD r/s that you otherwise lack.  If you can identify it, you are on your way to resolving it.

LuckyJim

[tbddbt]

If you're going to graduate school, you are still very young and have a life's worth of possibilities in front of you. I was just like you twenty years ago. I dedicated my life to helping the girl whom I thought loved me back, despite the abuse. I am now in my mid 40s and my wife has died, leaving me to find out the secrets she kept from me. She was never faithful and she could never have really loved me, and she caused me over 20 years of suffering and developing anxiety over her mood swings. Read my previous posts. Let my example be a lesson to others to be smarter than I am and get out as soon as possible. No matter how "heartless" you may feel, any guilt you have is a myth created by her manipulation.  Please get out. Don't be like me. I don't want to see another innocent, idealistic life ruined.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, tbddbt.  Guilt is one of three prongs on the F-O-G pitchfork that pwBPD use to prod and manipulate us.  Don't fall for it.  Needless to say, I did.  LuckyJim

[Darsha500]

Thank you all so much for your feedback and support. The more I read and learn the more I am able to disentangle myself from her, or so it feels.

Last night, I hung out with her again. As I was with her, I was very mindful of my own behaviors, I saw again and again how I was playing the role of caretaker. Yet, despite this observation, I could not figure out how to get out of this niche I have locked myself in. When I left her house, the last thing she said to me was, "you make everything okay."

I thought, "well ___, I am all that is keeping her together. She'll fall to pieces if I up and leave her now." So, I definitely feel this guilt aspect. Oh my God! I even caught myself speaking in this idealistic language again: "Maybe we will move in together, I'm not counting anything out, I'm not giving up." If only. So reluctant to give up on this fantasy.

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow morning. I believe he'll be able to help give me some added clarity. Though the books I've read and your posts have all helped tremendously.

Thank you all again.

[Darsha500]

I feel like updating, if only for the therapeutic value of sharing whats in my heart.

As I write this I'm in tears. The full weight of being cheated on has begun to sink in. I went to see my therapist today. It was a very insightful session.

We talked about my "core wound" from childhood. This topic came up after discussing my response when i found out I was cheated on: Rather than being entirely repulsed and walking away, I turned towards her with forgiveness. So funny. My therapist noted how being so forgiving is really a way for me of feeling worthy. "Look at home amazing and forgiving I am!" He was so spot on. I even verbalized a sentiment similar to that one to her after I forgave her. I was so proud of myself.

And so... .This core wound. I've now had a chance to examine it and see how it has compelled me to where I stand now. When My parents were having marital problems when I was a child, I felt partly to blame - as I wasn't the perfect child. My mom would come to me with all of her problems and issues, and use me as a kind of sounding board. Parentification I've heard it called. So, in response to this, I felt obliged to help "fix" our broken home. If I can fix things, If i can fix you, then I am worthy of love! Oh God, Just writing it out make my eyes well up. All the shame I felt. This fixer mentality has now been instilled into my core. I have to perform to earn my value. Some how deep down I just don't  believe i am truly worthy. Despite knowing the idea is asinine from a logical perspective, Its as if on a deep experiential level, I still doubt it.

So having this BPD relationship fall in my lap has fulfilled a great need in me, a great hunger to see my worth mirrored back to me. Which i have, I've seen glimpses of it. Its also provided with this opportunity to play the role of the hero. If i can only save her, offer her my all, fix her, then I will feel valuable. And so I chase her tail in this way. Conversely, I am surely fulfilling a great hunger within her as well. So we have this sort of symbiosis.

What is my task? To allow her to have her problems, without me stepping in and vicariously taking them on myself. My task is to relinquish my role as a caretaker - to recognize that my value is not found in my ability to solve problems. Rather, my value is intrinsic. I must have faith in that notion, as disengaging from my care taker role could mean the dissolution of the relationship, and i must be okay with that.

I must be able to assert my wants, my needs, and stand for myself and my values. I therefore must believe in my worthiness, my right to have such a life.

On another note. I don't know if ill be able to recover from being cheated on. Im hoping the pain will go away and i will be able to look at her with the eyes i use to, but i don't know.

But i don't know if the relationship will last much longer, period.

And yet I still hold out hope. May it be ripped from my hands or lead me to salvation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Darsha, Like what you are saying.  It sounds like you are on the right path, my friend.  If you stick with your plan, as described in your post, I think you will discover a newfound sense of peace and happiness.

LuckyJim