Run, Forest, run

[Crumbling]

I didnt go back home after work tonight.  I left the driveway and turned the opposite direction.  Now I'm sitting at a fast food joint stuffing my face.

I had a two month oasis from my BPDH and came home four days ago.  We had weekends together thru that time, and we got along swimmingly... .okay, not quiet swimmingly, but I didn't feel hateful towards him at all.  But it only took four days for me to feel ... .its so hard to say, but I do feel hate towards him.  He throws out these comments that leave me feeling like I must be an idiot to be participating in the converation.  I don't know how to deal with it.  I have been more focused on me, and although I can sometimes do okay, when I'm tired I just get impatient.

I've been reflecting on what I did, what was in my control when I was away that I can hang on to and stay focused on.  What else can I do.  I know I need to go back home at some point... .gonna do some shopping first.  Maybe some new socks... .  or running shoes  :check:maybe  :/

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ptilda]

I "ran away" last night too. My uBPDh stopped staying at the house 3 weeks ago and moved his stuff out a couple of days ago. But then suddenly remembered he had things coming to the house that he needed and sent me message after message about it. I told him I'd get it and let him know I was working and couldn't discuss details. Last night he started saying he needed it right away bla bla bla... .I didn't want to have to make up a reason he couldn't come by (he insisted on police escort to move his things out in the middle of the day, but is suddenly completely comfortable meeting me at night to get his key and/or have me give him mail?) so I left and went to my mom's house for a day or two. Just gives me a chance to get away.

I don't hate my husband. Far from it. I adore him. I know who he can really be and this horrible "thing" that has taken over his mind is not the real him (I know I'll get some pushback here). He is better than this. I miss THAT person.

[formflier]

   He throws out these comments that leave me feeling like I must be an idiot to be participating in the converation.  I don't know how to deal with it. 

That's a great question to ask yourself... and answer.

Why do you participate in those conversations... .?

FF

[Crumbling]

because if I didn't we would never speak!  Seems everything out of his mouth is geared for destruction.  I'm having a tough time accepting this will be the environment I will be living in the rest of my life.  I know he is not able to change.  why am I choosing this life?   the moral high ground feels like a miry pit right now.

[jhkbuzz]

I "ran away" last night too. My uBPDh stopped staying at the house 3 weeks ago and moved his stuff out a couple of days ago. But then suddenly remembered he had things coming to the house that he needed and sent me message after message about it. I told him I'd get it and let him know I was working and couldn't discuss details. Last night he started saying he needed it right away bla bla bla... .I didn't want to have to make up a reason he couldn't come by (he insisted on police escort to move his things out in the middle of the day, but is suddenly completely comfortable meeting me at night to get his key and/or have me give him mail?) so I left and went to my mom's house for a day or two. Just gives me a chance to get away.

I don't hate my husband. Far from it. I adore him. I know who he can really be and this horrible "thing" that has taken over his mind is not the real him (I know I'll get some pushback here). He is better than this. I miss THAT person.

No pushback coming from this direction... .I adored my ex when she was funny, sweet, gentle, kind... .she was truly the most amazing woman I'd ever met. But she could also be dishonest, unfaithful, unempathetic, cold... .and when she was THOSE things I used to have those same thoughts. "She's better than this. I miss the other "her."

It took me a long time to reconcile that ALL of it was the "real" her.  I had to stop waiting for the "good" her to come back as if some errant influence had overcome her and would eventually go away. I had to stop waiting and completely accept that, somehow, her wonderful aspects coexisted with some terrible, dark aspects... .and ALL of it was her. Radical acceptance... .not magical thinking.

[Crumbling]

My h doesn't let me see the good side of him at all any more.  He hates taking me places or doing anything but what he feels like doing at home.  He knows how much I adore that side of him too.

But he ends up treating me like his rich aunt who should want to shower him with whatever he asks for and should instinctively know what he wants before he even asks.  I'm a prude right now for not bringing him home a burger. 

Yeah I'm back home.  He's in the shower.  And I'm played out enough now, I dont have anything to offer him or the relationship, I just need make sure I don't let him see how much I hate how difficult life must be with him.  All the beastly time!  Thanks for the responses. 

[formflier]

  I know he is not able to change.  why am I choosing this life?  

How do you know this? 

It seems as though you have made a choice that bad communication is better than no communication for you.  Is that correct?

FF

[Crumbling]

I'm also wrong for getting groceries myself, and for not buying him liquor and cigarettes and gas for his truck.  He works too. He has his own money.  He spends it all, and then expects me to "supply him" until payday.  

I've said no this time and am I ever black!

[formflier]

I'm also wrong for getting groceries myself, and for not buying him liquor and cigarettes and gas for his truck.  He works too. He has his own money.  He spends it all, and then expects me to "supply him" until payday.  

I've said no this time and am I ever black!

What are the consequences of giving in and supplying him?

What are the consequences of not giving in?

Take both questions and think about the benefits?

Also... I am very curious about how you know he is unable to change... .

Crumbling,

Not picking at you... .but I have the impression that you are at a point of making some big decisions about which "lens" to look at the r/s through.

Not saying either lens is right or wrong... .but the way you look at decisions... .affects the way your process and "make" the decisions... .

Hang in there... .looking forward to more conversation about this... .

FF

[Crumbling]

I have eleven years of evidence that he won't chang.  He has no intention or desire to change.

I don't feel picked at, ff.  II need to understand what is going on with me and what the right thing to do is.I have got a different mindset now, at times. 

The consequences of not giving in include being treated like I'm his worst enemy and that's somethings he is beginning to learn how not to lose it over.  The other side is giving in, and having all my money spent by him, and feeling miserable about it.  It builds resentmeet.  I slept on the couch last night, just couldn't stand being next to him. 

[an0ught]

Crumbling,

for running. Don't tolerate abuse. Do this consistently for a while and you got a boundary in place. It is hard but you are dealing with persistent behavior so you have to be consistent here.

I have eleven years of evidence that he won't chang.  He has no intention or desire to change.

Well, if circumstances change people adapt. Boundaries tend to change circumstances. Has little to do with desire or intent.

The consequences of not giving in include being treated like I'm his worst enemy and that's somethings he is beginning to learn how not to lose it over.  The other side is giving in, and having all my money spent by him, and feeling miserable about it.  It builds resentmeet.  I slept on the couch last night, just couldn't stand being next to him.  

Consistency in boundaries is vital. You are faced with an extinction burst - it will get better once that is over. Give in and you will be treated like a slot machine that can be shoved around when it is unwilling to spit out money.