"I get why he's anxious and that's why I gave the explanation - suddenly I'd changed my style of relating to him and I could see why that would be confusing. He was so distraught and strung out about the whole thing it seemed cruel to just refuse to explain."
that makes plenty of sense to me, sorry if i was off base. youre right that these changes, enforcing boundaries, changing boundaries, focusing on ourselves, can be very confusing to a pwBPD, and with anyone, really. nothing wrong with an explanation.
"For example: Last night we were watching a movie and he asked if I liked it. He gets very solicitous and worried I don't like movies he's selected for some reason - even though I'd watch anything and if I truly hated something I would certainly speak up. I assured him I was truly enjoying the film, that I liked cowboys and horses a lot and found it really compelling. His reply, "well he's not really a cowboy and it's not really about xxxx." I agreed by nodding and smiling and continued watching - Before I would have argued, it is about cowboys - they're on horses roping calves, etc."
excellent way to adapt! i can even see a bit of myself in needing to be right about the stuff i like, and i think nodding and smiling, avoiding debate, was a great move.
"Our whole conversational rhythm previous was him zinging, countering, correcting, etc, and me JADEing - even when there was no anger or tension, that's how we communicate. So it's not just the rages I respond to differently it's everything."
sounds exhausting! youve done the right thing by removing yourself from that dynamic.
"He's picking up on this and I can see when I don't argue back to one of his corrections he's tweaked - end result he was up all night, including asking me at 2:45 am if I was seeing someone else.
I feel like I'm both really boring to him and making him anxious by changing how I respond. Also, I just feel so disconnected from him and irritated with him. So basically we haven't had much time together than has felt pleasant or close. Maybe this is part of the process of instituting this communication changes."
no less exhausting, but i think youre right. i suspect he senses you are disconnecting a bit; thats okay, and it doesnt hurt to soothe to ease the tension. if a person is used to a particular action (on their part), and a certain reaction (on the others), and suddenly the dynamic changes, its natural to wonder whats up. i think youre right that its part of the process of instituting changes. think of it in terms of changing habits. not easy, right? with certain habits, some withdrawal? at some point, new habits simply become a way of life, rather than a struggle to change. now in this case its a relationship, not just one person changing a simple habit, but really changing the relationship, and it effects both parties. from what it sounds like, its a method for improving that relationship. that just doesnt happen over night. thats okay. hang in there, and keep posting. i think youre doing the right thing
you may find this helpful, if you havent read it before. note in particular, "Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that “great” progress has been made or giving “You can do it” reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment."
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a105.htm