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« on: July 16, 2015, 11:29:29 PM » |
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Last week was the week that people would say okay he (H BPD) finally stepped out of the grey area and dove straight into the black... .its time to cut him off, draw the line and leave.
My H BPD was angry because i was disappointed he didn't respond to an important client. I didn't get overly upset, just stated next time he doesn't want to respond let me know and I will do it. :)ue to my disappointed look on my face it made him go into an episode. He started shaking and getting upset. We were working and I tried to step away, but the job needed to be done.
That night he started praying to God about helping us to do better. He kept saying us. And I had about had it. I yelled at him to take responsibility for his own actions. I was so mad and tired of the words, and the prayers about how things are my fault, or I'm to blame for his reactions. I was just so tired and I lost it. (not that i haven't already been losing it.)
The next day, like all the weekly cycles went his anger and rage, to ashamed and quiet. That Monday was him being normal again. At this point I'm just so tired of the flipping back and forth. He stated to me just today because he just wants the fighting to stop. But I expressed to him how tiring it is jerking from rage to love from one day to the next. He doesn't see it. Is it just me? I can't just shut on and off like that every week and act like everything is normal. This isn't normal.
I had emailed his therapist letting him know what has been happening and how I couldn't keep doing this, he kept say you BOTH blablabla, but this therapist was not educated on borderline and wasn't a psychologist just a marriage counselor. He just kept saying we need marriage counseling, however my therapist said when concerning with BPD marriage therapy does not work and makes it worse. He ignored the issue as well as my H BPD started to belittle me in front of the therapist. My therapist told me I should have walked out when he was letting that happen right in front of him, that I should have brought it to his attention.
So after two days, my husband loses it. I was trying to work without arguing. (hes been having tantrums back to 3-4 times per week). He started pushing my buttons. Asking me the same question over and over. I kept responding the same way. His questions started to change. I would answer again. He kept asking. So I said okay if the situation is a. here is the answer if it is b. here is the answer if that doesn't work ask the customer what your exact concerns are if A. answer and B. answer don't answer the concerns you have. He got angry because I sounded frustrated.
He started yelling about how he wouldn't work with me. Our business was based off of love and started to pack stuff up all of our supplies and equipment and saying he was going to return it. Saying he was going to cancel our orders (one I was currently trying to complete.) I told him I was trying to honor our commitments and follow through on the orders. He starts saying negative things about commitments. I continue to try to work. He keeps pushing I keep telling him to stop. I tell him to please leave so that I can work. I keep asking him to stop and he just keeps going. I lost it and I threw my cup at the wall and my product at the floor. I told him to leave before I hurt him or myself. I lost it!
He ended up leaving and threatened to call the police on me (because my mom did before when he was actually threatening to kill himself). I told him to stop pushing it and i was calling my mom to come over. He told me he was leaving he packed up a bag, called my mom with his mother (BPD) on the three way and said I'm leaving. for good.
I had to work, we had so many orders. My mom and sister came over to help me, my cousin came home and stayed up with me until 3am working. I started getting emails on my phone that orders had been cancelled. I went home to more emails from customers asking why their orders were cancelled. I was livid. My H BPD said if we werent doing this out of love we weren't going to do this at all. I told him that wasn't his place. I explained to him that is my full-time job and it was not okay for him to threaten to leave and shut down the business like that. He kept saying that he was just cancelling the upcoming orders because in his mind it wasn't going to get done. Again I told him thats not his call to make.
The next day he didn't talk to me. When he got home from therapy I apologized for losing it. We worked and didn't talk. I went to rest and looked at him phone, knowing he doesn't delete his text messages. He told his friends I was crazy, that I would never admit to losing it. (funny because while I was losing it I was saying I was losing it.) His family was saying move home, move in with me (his sister), I noticed he didn't tell the whole stories at all. Also telling his friends he has to shut the business down.
This was very horrible to see. Especially since I told him I needed space and was going to stay with my family until he cooled off. He also told his friends this and their advice all in or nothing. I wanted to text back... .my H has a disorder stop giving him advice without knowing what you're advising! I brought this to his attention told him it was hurtful. He kept saying his feelings were more valid than the facts. His feelings were the facts.
The next day he promised to get on meds. started getting mad at me for not advising him on it before (when i had asked him to be on meds he used to get so angry at me for doing so, even vitamins) He then took a bunch of vitamins to prove his point. He said I could find him a BPD specific therapist. Which I did the following day.
So my question is what do I do now. I already convinced him to sign my business over to me (I started it while we were separated and without me it will not function, its based off of my skill and talents, my H BPD does a lot, more operations but the actual product is made by me). He got a good therapist, who actually knows what hes doing, he just saw him today. His therapist said that he was disappointed that the last one didn't ask him certain questions, so my H BPD finally got a professional evaluation by someone he trusts (not my therapist or past therapists). He did say he would work with him on the BPD. Im thankful he answered honestly to the evaluations.
His therapist told me, this will be a lifelong battle. He will need to be in therapy for the rest of his life.
I just don't know, after this last week if I can handle it. I love him, I hope for us, but the reality is I am just numb, numb to the nasty side and now even numb to the nice, because I don't want to wishfully think its all clear, I know the nasty will come back, probably in a few days even.
But I feel guilty. I feel badly because I'm having him sign the business over to protect me. I need to open my own checking accounts. I need to even possibly look for a part time job. And I feel bad because I have to protect myself. Last week he was going to dissolve my business and leave. Who is to say my look of disappointment won't make him do it again?
Can I really hold my breath that any of this will change. Can I even stay with him knowing that my child may have this disorder too if we had kids? Or if my child didn't that this kid will see how my H BPD treats me and think its okay or think their mom is a complete push-over or even worse marry someone themselves who emotionally and verbally abuses them, but its okay because they have a disorder?
I'm just at a lose. :'(
I don't know what to do!
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