My partner Retrogressed suddenly last night

[Depression = 72% of members]

We have been together for nearly three years. we have always had "fights" which seemed very irrational to me. My partner would bring up insignificant (from my perspective of course) incidents and turn them into major threats I was apparently making against her.

In these times she becomes very morose with periods of intense anger directed at me. Other times I am numero uno for her and can do no wrong. Eventually the fights became very bad and she ended up lashing out at me and hitting me with furniture and punching me. She finally threw me out of "her" apartment at 3 in the morning. Piled all my belongings in the middle of the floor and ordered me out. This was all because the present I bought her to celebrate out anniversary didn't meet her standards.

After a week of multiple texting with often violent and threatening/abusive comments she texted me to tell me she needed help. I went round and she was in tears. We made up and things were good for the last three months. During all these fights it was noticeable that the whole time she never said sorry once (I counted 24 sorrys from me in 26 texts during one "separation". She maintains still that all the fault was mine and that I consistently refuse to "own" my mistakes and take responsibility for my own actions.

Anyway after 3 months of comparative bliss she blew up again early this morning. I had woken up in the middle of the night because the cat was sick (believe it or not) and spent an hour in the cold clearing up after it and trying to get it comfortable. I went back to bed and tried to hug her and tell her it was OK. Unfortunately she was asleep and I woke her. What followed was two hours of her tossing and turning and getting out of bed and stamping around the bedroom slamming the doors. Eventually she came back to bed after telling me  I should never have woken her and I was unthinking because she had to get up for work (I start work at 8 she starts at 10!). She eventually fell back to sleep at 6 and I had to get up at 7 and head into work.

Then the texts started, accusing me of being ruthless, showing no empathy, bad mouthing her on facebook (untrue) and again not "owning" my mistakes and responsibilities. These texts continued all morning until I finally texted back to say I was not going to engage further in a text war and that I was stepping out of the way. I intend to go to my house up country tonight to stay there and try and calm down. I am so bewildered by the speed with which things fell apart when we had long discussions the last few months about how we would never let it happen again. What a mess.  

[anatexis]

We have been together for nearly three years. we have always had "fights" which seemed very irrational to me. My partner would bring up insignificant (from my perspective of course) incidents and turn them into major threats I was apparently making against her.

In these times she becomes very morose with periods of intense anger directed at me. Other times I am numero uno for her and can do no wrong. Eventually the fights became very bad and she ended up lashing out at me and hitting me with furniture and punching me. She finally threw me out of "her" apartment at 3 in the morning. Piled all my belongings in the middle of the floor and ordered me out. This was all because the present I bought her to celebrate out anniversary didn't meet her standards.

After a week of multiple texting with often violent and threatening/abusive comments she texted me to tell me she needed help. I went round and she was in tears. We made up and things were good for the last three months. During all these fights it was noticeable that the whole time she never said sorry once (I counted 24 sorrys from me in 26 texts during one "separation". She maintains still that all the fault was mine and that I consistently refuse to "own" my mistakes and take responsibility for my own actions.

Anyway after 3 months of comparative bliss she blew up again early this morning. I had woken up in the middle of the night because the cat was sick (believe it or not) and spent an hour in the cold clearing up after it and trying to get it comfortable. I went back to bed and tried to hug her and tell her it was OK. Unfortunately she was asleep and I woke her. What followed was two hours of her tossing and turning and getting out of bed and stamping around the bedroom slamming the doors. Eventually she came back to bed after telling me  I should never have woken her and I was unthinking because she had to get up for work (I start work at 8 she starts at 10!). She eventually fell back to sleep at 6 and I had to get up at 7 and head into work.

Then the texts started, accusing me of being ruthless, showing no empathy, bad mouthing her on facebook (untrue) and again not "owning" my mistakes and responsibilities. These texts continued all morning until I finally texted back to say I was not going to engage further in a text war and that I was stepping out of the way. I intend to go to my house up country tonight to stay there and try and calm down. I am so bewildered by the speed with which things fell apart when we had long discussions the last few months about how we would never let it happen again. What a mess.  

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[babyducks]

Hello anatexis,

Welcome to bpdfamily.

I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing and the troubles in your relationship.  I can certainly and vividly relate to what you describe.   My story isn't much different than yours.   Actually it's pretty much the same,  I once fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with my partner because it was 11pm and I was tired and she woke me up to throw me out of 'her' apartment because I was being 'mean to her.'

Over on the right hand side of the screen are a bunch of helpful links.   This is a cut and paste from one of them.

Have an emotionally difficult person in your life? Are you blamed or criticized for most everything wrong in the relationship-even when it makes no logical sense? Are you the focus of rages and alternating periods when the other person acts hateful or very loving.   Could it be BPD?

And here is the link.  https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

I used to be bewildered too at the weird things we used to fight about and how rapidly things could change on a dime.  Since I have been coming here I have learned what BPD is.   I have come to understand how my partner processes information and the world around her.  I have learned communication skills and tools.   And we no longer have those weird fights.   Now mind you sometimes we get close to having one   but we both can pull back before it escalates into something larger.

Have you heard from her today?    When she texted you that she needed help about three months ago did she end up pursuing that?   Did she find a therapist?

How are you feeling?  I think it's a great step coming here and posting.  It's a great way to get support for you.  We all get it.   We all have had those same experiences that you just described of it being all our fault.   Keep coming back and reading and posting.   Our shared experiences help us all.

Others will be along to say hi.  Until they do be sure to take a look at that right hand column. 

'ducks

[globalnomad]

Hi anatexis,

I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you're having. I only joined this site a few days ago, but I am amazed at how similar some of our stories are.

As for me, I was kicked out of my bedroom and forced to sleep on the sofa last night for the sin of failing to catch a mosquito. After swatting at it twice and missing, I was yelled at, told I am useless, not a real man, don't care about her, etc etc. I left early for work today and am waiting for the inevitable barrage of emails telling me how outrageous my behavior was.

Anyway enough about me. Have you had any success getting your partner into therapy?