I feel myself spiraling down into the dark abyss

[misssouthernbelle]

The more I read, the more I think I'm the crazy one. No wonder he ran after trying to smooth things out with me and say that he was wanting to take it slow. I'm obviously crazy for wanting to start dating after talking for two months and getting attached so fast. Then getting upset that he ignored me for two days... .maybe I overreacted? I'm obviously broken. So broken that it's probably best I stay away from men all together. My father tried to warn me when I told him of the BPD and how wonderful of a guy he was. My dad was like, "You get attached too quickly, don't get your hopes up." It really hurt my feelings at the time, but he was right.

Now, here I sit, feeling so broken and crazy that I don't see how anyone could love me and I was stupid to think the BPD would. He probably saw my craziness and ran, as he warned me in the beginning he was afraid of getting with another crazy woman. I'm sure I'm the butt of a bunch of jokes. When I took him ice cream at work (while I was with our friend) on my birthday, he had this god-awful look on his face like he was freaked out. Maybe I really am a lot more sick in the head than I realize. Maybe that's why no one will love me enough to actually get close. The only ones that do are crazy. That's all I attract, so I must be as well.

Why do I have to endure this every day? Why can't someone love me the way I am? What is so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable? I see all these people in seemingly happy relationships. I can't even find a mediocre one. Nothing. Zip. The guys I get with obviously find me so repulsive that they play with me or leave me all together. I don't know what I would do if someone actually thought I was amazing and wanted to be with me. I probably wouldn't believe them.

I feel so helpless and like I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

[Surg_Bear]

Not all people who attract crazy are crazy themselves.

Some people- like me- attract crazy because I actually listen to what they are saying.  I hear what they say about themselves and I reflect back what I've heard and when they realize a person has finally taken the time to listen, all of a sudden, I'm their best friend.  They won't let go.

It is really not that hard to be a crazy person whisperer.

You don't need to tell yourself that being a crazy magnet means you're the crazy one.

I hear a lot of self loathing in your post- this might be the key to understanding why it is that you attract people who are going to hurt you.  If you can find the humanity inside to truly love yourself, you'll have the self respect to not get involved with crazy people who seem hell bent on making you suffer?  Just a guess, but I suspect that you are a ton more lovable than you are giving yourself credit for- in this minute.

You got left by someone and that really hurts.  It takes a while for the hurt to stop stinging so badly, but when it does stop stinging, you can come to the understanding about why it was that you two weren't right for each other.  Most likely, it is not because one or the other is rotten to the core.  Maybe you weren't right for each other, and the reason it hurts is because in the beginning, hope trumped reality.  You hoped you were right for each other, but somewhere along the way, reality trumped hope.

Please look at yourself and see yourself as the beautiful person you are.  You are not unlovable- I don't believe this of anyone- except maybe that guy in Cleveland who kept those 2 women chained in his basement for a decade.  That guy was unlovable. You just made a mistake about how "made for each other" you were with your most recent boyfriend. 

The key to breaking this pattern from continuing to repeating itself is to change YOURSELF.  You cannot change people with your hope.  Crazy people stay crazy no matter how much you hope things will be different.

Can you do this?  Change your outlook to something that resembles a person who loves herself? 

That is the answer to stopping your spiral into self loathing.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Herodias]

Calm down... .you are not crazy. Everyone wants love. You were probably mirrored which made you fall so fast. You fell in love with yourself and that's why you thought this was the one- see- you are lovable... .you love yourself! The problem is that you have to make a list of what you want in a relationship- everything! Not just a few things- I made that mistake and got exactly what I wanted and a whole lot I did not! Take it slow- check off what is on the list- if there are not not enough from your list, then you be the one to move on! Do not accept a mediocre relationship or a fake one! Look for red flags and gut feelings. They are ALWAYS correct. I used to think if someone leaves and they come back it was meant to be, through this type of r/s I now feel if someone leaves, great! Don't push for it or you will regret it. You are lucky to have been left so fast- it is not best for you! You now have more time to find the right one without wasting more time or years on a bad thing. Find out who you are and what you want so you are confident and do not attract any badness. I know how hard it is... .I don't want to be alone either. I wish there was someone for me and sometimes I don't think there is by my track record. But it was ME as the common denominator- I kept choosing bad people out of desperation! I am happy alone doing what I want when I want- As long as I get out with friends and am surrounded by "normal" people I feel better. Just don't hole up alone- get out and do things... .take a class or something. It really helps... .Forget the pwBPD... .It gets worse the more you go back. He will be back and you need to be the strong one to say no this time... .trust what you read here. Best wishes... .xo

[Mutt]

Hi misssouthernbell,

I'm sorry to hear that. Don't be hard on yourself. Relationships are two ways. I would feel upset as well if someone ignored me for two days. I think that's a thoughtful thing for you to do taking ice cream at work, it shows that you care and his actions show little empathy

I can also see how invalidating that would feel when your father said that you get attached too quickly. A pwBPD have an intensity at the beginning of the r/s which can feel like emotional intimacy with many members.

I'm obviously crazy for wanting to start dating after talking for two months and getting attached so fast.

He would text me every day and confide in me.

Were you trying to get to know him for 8 weeks? You started to fall for him?

[SGraham]

Don't beat yourself up missoutherbell, i get where you are coming from as i too feel a lot of guilt for what i see as myself being to serious/getting attached to quickly. However, Whenever i express this guilt on these message boards others quickly smack me into shape and remind me that my wishes were healthy relationship aspirations. So let me do that for you.

Wanting to be close is never bad, and you shouldn't feel a shred of guilt for it. Furthermore, even if you were to serious, in a normal relationship it would be sorted by talking it thru and mutually deciding to go slower. So in short, it was his irrational BPD caused fears that ended it NOT your healthy relationship aspirations.

[gameover]

Why can't someone love me the way I am? What is so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?

OK, so I might have an unpopular opinion here; but I don't think anyone deserves to be loved for being the way they are.  Don't get me wrong:  you don't have to change who you are, but if your behavior isn't getting you the desired results it might be time to change your behavior. 

It has nothing to do with being unlovable.  Get that out of your head.  As long as you see love as being something external to yourself you're going to be an easy mark for players, crazies, etc.  You absolutely have to love yourself first.  There's no getting around this.  Being a little clingy is cute--but you have to play the game a little bit. 

And by game I don't mean manipulation or following some script.  What I mean by game is the give and take at the beginning of a relationship as you feel each other out.  Right now you're selling the farm before you get an offer.  Guys want a girl that they have to win over a little bit--and vice versa.  That doesn't mean playing 'hard to get;' it means valuing yourself, your time, your lifestyle enough that you aren't ready to give those things up at the first hint of sweet talk.

I see all these people in seemingly happy relationships. I can't even find a mediocre one. Nothing. Zip.

Seemingly.  That's you projecting.  Most relationships are not happy.  Sure, they may post cute pictures on Facebook.  They might put on a good front; but most relationships are based out of need instead of want.  They are based out of mutual loneliness instead of mutual desire.

Being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship.  To think otherwise is an open invitation to let toxic people into your life. 

The guys I get with obviously find me so repulsive that they play with me or leave me all together.

You're still projecting.  And this type of mindset will only perpetuate this set of behaviors.  Do you know what type of girls don't get played?  The ones that don't let themselves.  The ones that are willing to walk at the first sign of disrespect.  It has nothing to do with being repulsive or not being good enough--it has to do with being vulnerable due to with a lack of self-esteem and self-respect.

I don't know what I would do if someone actually thought I was amazing and wanted to be with me. I probably wouldn't believe them.

This is another self-defeating mindset.  Until you feel that you're good enough to be treated amazingly, you are not ready for a relationship.  I'm sorry if this seems harsh--but it's the truth.  As long as you're willing to be the victim, YOU WILL BE THE VICTIM.  People will treat you the way you present yourself to be treated. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey misssouthernbelle, even though you might feel unlovable, as you can see from the majority of responses here, we don't think you're unlovable. We love and care about you, and we're total strangers! 

It's okay to have the feelings you're experiencing, I know I've felt EXACTLY the same way in the past, especially "what's wrong with me that nobody loves me". It's especially hard if you have a lot of friends in lasting relationships. However, when we feel unlovable, then we find ourselves falling way too easily for people that are in no way going to be acceptable healthy adult partners. Once we learn to understand we are worthy and lovable, then we will only put up with people who agree with our view of being lovable, and not put up with liars, cheaters, drama queens, jerks, and all those types of unhealthy individuals.

I'll also go out on a limb and disagree with gameover: We CAN be lovable REGARDLESS of our behaviors and actions because we can CHANGE our behaviors and actions at ANY time, so we do NOT need to be defined by what we do! The saying, " Change your thoughts, change your life" is so true, and is one of the greatest tools for recovery and healing for people on the leaving board in my opinion.

Hugs to you