I agreed to come back into this marriage even if nothing changed, I don't know how much more radically accepting I can be than that.
I want to also stress as did others... .that RA is a practice, it's ongoing... .it's hard... .it's a "state of mind" that takes focus. It is ever changing, it's not an event. None of us achieves a state of radical acceptance all the time. It's like praying or meditating... .we do it but many time through out the day we 'forget'. So we go back into that state, and we practice it over and over until it's more natural to be in that state of mind. Even then, we can fall out of that state of mind and then have to shift back into it again and again. You practice it as much as you can, especially when it's hard or when you are really finding what life presents to be very challenging. It's about accepting life on lifes' terms. It is not intended to be a state of mind that makes you better able to tolerate abuse. It's not about being tenacious. It isn't about tolerating something, it's about radically accepting what is REAL. An argument could be made that for some, solid practice of radical acceptance over time might be the thing that moves them away from a toxic r/s rather than deeper into it... .b/c with the reality of what IS fully accepted... .we are in a better position to make wisemind choices... .than when we are dysregulated, dissociative, or in a deep state of denial. For others, it helps to keep them steady in the midst of a challenging situation because they are deeply connected with their own reality and their choices and can better disengage while staying present.
It has been said a million times on this board, but needs to be said again... .RA has nothing to do with accepting abuse, being a martyr, or having no limits or boundaries, or anything of that nature.
So, when you say you don't know how to be anymore radically accepting than you already are b/c you agreed to come back into a dysfunctional r/s without requiring any change... .it truly makes me worry that you are misinterpreting this concept. Going back into a challenging r/s without requiring ANY change is not necessarily the practice of radical acceptance. It sounds like maybe you were willing to do anything to give this r/s a try again... .but that is not necessarily the practice of radical acceptance.
Perhaps you had a moment where you were grounded in a radical acceptance state of mind where you fully "saw" your H as he is, all of this parts, the good the bad and the ugly, and chose to be with him again anyway even while accepting the reality of his limitations and all the challenges that are sure to come with that. Now that would be an example of radical acceptance. Even so, no doubt that state of mind does not stay with you 100 per cent of the time. It's a practice, you never stop practicing.
There are elements of the r/s you describe that fall under the description of a domestic violence r/s. I want to gently suggest that it is not an insult to suggest you (or anyone on this board or anyone anywhere) could potentially be violent. You have a brain and a nervous system. It is designed to defend itself violently if needed. You describe common DV scenarios in your r/s. Maybe you move to more of a freeze or fawn state with tears most often, but there is no guarantee that you could never 'snap' just b/c you more often cry when being bullied... .and if you did, it's not b/c you are a bad person... .but b/c you are just a human being. Radical acceptance is the acceptance of reality. It's about accepting radically, what is REAL, not what we want or wish or hope for, and it's not about turning away from ugly realities or inconvenient truths. It is a reality that any human being could under the right circumstances, lash out and/or find themselves in an escalated exchange where one or both people get hurt. I think the social sciences have shown this to be the case. This happens ALL the time, to good people, CB. It may not happen in YOUR case... .but the potential is there for you and for ALL of us because we are only human and all humans have their limits. Even you, CB. To argue otherwise is to be in denial of reality. Part of the human experience is the capacity for violence and the capacity to exhibit very very poor behavior under extreme stress or duress. That is why I included the article by the doctor who works with difficult couples. His message is that part of growing up is accepting our own capacity to be malevolent jerks at times. He wasn't even referring to DV necessarily, he calls it normal martial sadism. To argue that is not the case is to deny the human experience. These relationships are filled with stress and duress. These r/s are filled with people triggering others. None of us is so special or so unique that this does not apply to us.
Radical acceptance is about accepting reality and life on life's terms. This is critically important stuff.
