I finally understand (mostly everything)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's taken me two months, but I think I finally have a good grasp on my situation.  My understanding boils down to three things:  fear of abandonment/fear of engulfment, object constancy, and boundaries.  I put it here because I think it's one of my final steps to complete detachment.  This doesn't mean that thoughts of her never hurt (they do sometimes), but it's a different type of hurt: less "she broke my heart and doesn't care" and more "if she didn't have BPD, if nothing else, we would have been really great friends." 

I apologize in advance for the length.

Event 1 - She tried to change plans she made with me, possibly so she could spend the weekend with her boyfriend (attachment and fear of abandonment VERY early in their relationship).  I wouldn't budge because I told her that the day we had agreed upon was the only day I could go (enforcing boundaries).  She later canceled but said she was sick (didn't want me to see the "real" her).

Event 2 - She changed plans for Easter break at the last minute (was going to visit her parents) but ended up spending the weekend alone (not sure why, possibly because her boyfriend had made plans).  She texted me all weekend (fear of abandonment in relation to both him and me) and started flirting with me (lack of boundaries on both our parts).

Event 3 - Before leaving for over a week to visit her mom (fear of abandonment) and before she knew that she was going to be given another long-term substitute position (fear of abandonment), she came over to my house and cuddled with me (lack of boundaries).  She took a phone call from her boyfriend and then said it was a "pointless" call (lack of object constancy, idealization of me). 

Event 4 - A few hours after leaving to visit her mom, she texted me to say she missed me (fear of abandonment) and then asked me to text her when she got on the bus after her flight (maintaining object constancy).  We started flirting a lot more (lack of boundaries).

Event 5 - During her trip, we texted every day, sometimes for hours at a time (maintaining object constancy) and started sexting (lack of boundaries).  She also told her boyfriend during her trip that she was cutting again, and he said he wouldn't leave her (alleviating fears of abandonment).  She told me she cared for me but was in love with him, and I said I accepted that.  She came back home and was reunited with him (renewing object constancy). 

Event 6 - She came back to work and e-mailed me/called me throughout the day and drew me a picture (renewing object constancy and lack of boundaries).  We went back to my house and I kept telling her to stop flirting with me and to stop touching me (attempt to enforce boundaries and fear of abandonment).  She then started kissing me and we had sex (lack of boundaries and possible fear of abandonment, as I tried to reject her). 

Event 7 - She "moved in" (basically decided to start staying there 7 days a week) with her boyfriend the day after we had sex and texted me to say that everyone was annoying her and that I never did because I'm "perfect" (fear of engulfment in relation to him and idealization of me). 

Event 8 - Slept over at my house for the first time (lack of boundaries and fear of abandonment because her boyfriend was working and she would be alone).  Changed plans that we had made the next day, choosing to eat dinner rather than go to a local festival (lack of boundaries on my part). 

Event 9 - Asked me to live with her (fear of engulfment with him, idealization of me) and then pulled away a few days later, on a day that her boyfriend took off work so they could go away that evening (renewing object constancy, alleviating fear of abandonment).

Event 10 - Texted me and told me she still wanted to have sex with me (lack of boundaries) but that we were at two different points in life (fear of engulfment). 

Event 11 - Expressed annoyance at something her boyfriend said (fear of engulfment and attempt to see him as "all black" and me as "all white" and texted me all night while I was at a work function (lack of boundaries).

Event 12 - Told me she pictured marrying me and wanted to live with me (idealization).

Event 13 - Texted me and told me that her boyfriend left her alone at a party (fear of abandonment) and that he later "hit" her (seeing him as "all black" and me as "all white".

Event 14 - Took off work on a day that I had a personal day (fear of abandonment) and texted me throughout the day (maintaining object constancy).  Changed the subject when I mentioned she could store some belongings at my house until we moved (fear of engulfment).

Event 15 - Slept over at my house two nights in a row (lack of boundaries) and looked at a house with me.  Tried to avoid sex (I like intimacy with sex) the first night and completely avoided it the second night (fear of engulfment).

Event 16 - Got annoyed when I told her I had a meeting at work that night and we would have to drive to work separately, when she assumed I would drive us (enforcing boundaries).

Event 17 - I kept bringing up houses and scheduling showings and she ignored me all day (fear of engulfment).  That afternoon, she wanted to talk after work, but I said I had work to do (enforcing boundaries and fear of abandonment). 

Event 18 - She ignored me that night and then raged at me in a text message, after I kept bringing up houses again (fear of engulfment).   

Event 19 - Tried to get me to send her a topless picture (inability to understand the difference between sex and intimacy), but I wouldn't (enforcing boundaries), and she ignored me the rest of the night.  I sent her a long, romantic e-mail that she never replied to or even mentioned reading (fear of engulfment).

Event 20 - Ignored me while with her boyfriend (lack of object constancy) and then raged at me when I brought up houses again (fear of engulfment).  Raged again, but when I got upset and she realized she'd gone to far, she pretended to be her boyfriend (fear of abandonment, along with inability to see consequences and inability to accept responsibility).  Blamed me for almost making her lose everything and told me that we would never be together (seeing me as "all black" and him as "all white". 

Event 21 - Took off work because she was depressed.  Texted me that night to tell me she wanted shower sex and missed me and my "sweet kisses" (fear of abandonment, testing boundaries).  I refused to engage, and she stopped texting me (enforcing boundaries).

Event 22 - Raged at me after I didn't talk to her during a fire drill (fear of abandonment).

Event 23 - I told her not to text me while I was away because I didn't want her drama (attempt to enforce boundaries), but she did, and I replied (lack of boundaries).  She tried to engage me in sexting, but I would not and then asked me if she could sleep over at my house two nights later, but I said no because she had chosen her boyfriend and needed to stay with him (enforcing boundaries).

Event 24 - Told me not to text her anything "suspicious" and to not text her the rest of the weekend (still trying to convince herself and me that her boyfriend was "all black," while also maintaining object constancy with him). 

Event 25 - Worked a half-day because of a morning doctor's appointment, and when I asked if I could see her after work, she said she had to leave right away (fear of engulfment).

Event 26 - Projection, devaluing, and raging happened at a rapid pace, spurred by me asking what went wrong between us (fear of engulfment).

Event 27 - Raged at her boyfriend and attempted suicide (fear of abandonment, shame over her actions that had built up).

Event 28 - Wanted me to visit her in the hospital on her terms, which caused me to rearrange my schedule (idealizing her boyfriend, lack of boundaries).   

Event 29 - Didn't call me from the hospital like she told me she would (lack of object constancy, devaluing me and idealizing him)

Event 30 - Refused to answer my questions about when we could spend time together over the summer (fear of engulfment).

Event 31 - School ended, and she frequently ignored my texts (lack of object constancy) and avoided talking about hanging out (lack of object constancy, fear of engulfment, devaluing me and idealizing her boyfriend).

Event 32 - Asked me to hang out with her the day after I texted her and told her I had plans that day (testing boundaries), and I told her I couldn't (enforcing boundaries).  Raged at me and then ignored me when I asked her later that day about hanging out some other time (fear of engulfment). 

Event 33 - Raged at me hours after I texted her about being tired of rearranging my schedule to fit hers (enforcing boundaries, fear of engulfment) and told me to "f__k off" because I am a "poison" (projection, devaluing, lack of object constancy, painting me black).  Told me she would rather spend time with her boyfriend than me (lack of object constancy, devaluing me, idealizing him, fear of abandonment with him). 

Event 34 - Finally sent back things she had borrowed from me, while packing to move across the country, and sent a nice card (object constancy, painting me white again, very briefly). 

Event 35 - Told me she wouldn't answer some questions I had for her and didn't wish me a happy birthday (lack of object constancy, painting me black again)

So, what it comes down to is this:

Intellectually, she and I are a perfect match.  Emotionally, she and her boyfriend are a perfect match.  In terms of boundaries, she and her boyfriend are a perfect match (he's never set them, and I started to set them).  And right now, she's an untreated pwBPD (feelings = facts), so it doesn't matter how perfect we are for each other intellectually. 

[SummerStorm]

It's taken me two months, but I think I finally have a good grasp on my situation.  My understanding boils down to three things:  fear of abandonment/fear of engulfment, object constancy, and boundaries.  I put it here because I think it's one of my final steps to complete detachment.  This doesn't mean that thoughts of her never hurt (they do sometimes), but it's a different type of hurt: less "she broke my heart and doesn't care" and more "if she didn't have BPD, if nothing else, we would have been really great friends." 

I apologize in advance for the length.

Event 1 - She tried to change plans she made with me, possibly so she could spend the weekend with her boyfriend (attachment and fear of abandonment VERY early in their relationship).  I wouldn't budge because I told her that the day we had agreed upon was the only day I could go (enforcing boundaries).  She later canceled but said she was sick (didn't want me to see the "real" her).

Event 2 - She changed plans for Easter break at the last minute (was going to visit her parents) but ended up spending the weekend alone (not sure why, possibly because her boyfriend had made plans).  She texted me all weekend (fear of abandonment in relation to both him and me) and started flirting with me (lack of boundaries on both our parts).

Event 3 - Before leaving for over a week to visit her mom (fear of abandonment) and before she knew that she was going to be given another long-term substitute position (fear of abandonment), she came over to my house and cuddled with me (lack of boundaries).  She took a phone call from her boyfriend and then said it was a "pointless" call (lack of object constancy, idealization of me). 

Event 4 - A few hours after leaving to visit her mom, she texted me to say she missed me (fear of abandonment) and then asked me to text her when she got on the bus after her flight (maintaining object constancy).  We started flirting a lot more (lack of boundaries).

Event 5 - During her trip, we texted every day, sometimes for hours at a time (maintaining object constancy) and started sexting (lack of boundaries).  She also told her boyfriend during her trip that she was cutting again, and he said he wouldn't leave her (alleviating fears of abandonment).  She told me she cared for me but was in love with him, and I said I accepted that.  She came back home and was reunited with him (renewing object constancy). 

Event 6 - She came back to work and e-mailed me/called me throughout the day and drew me a picture (renewing object constancy and lack of boundaries).  We went back to my house and I kept telling her to stop flirting with me and to stop touching me (attempt to enforce boundaries and fear of abandonment).  She then started kissing me and we had sex (lack of boundaries and possible fear of abandonment, as I tried to reject her). 

Event 7 - She "moved in" (basically decided to start staying there 7 days a week) with her boyfriend the day after we had sex and texted me to say that everyone was annoying her and that I never did because I'm "perfect" (fear of engulfment in relation to him and idealization of me). 

Event 8 - Slept over at my house for the first time (lack of boundaries and fear of abandonment because her boyfriend was working and she would be alone).  Changed plans that we had made the next day, choosing to eat dinner rather than go to a local festival (lack of boundaries on my part). 

Event 9 - Asked me to live with her (fear of engulfment with him, idealization of me) and then pulled away a few days later, on a day that her boyfriend took off work so they could go away that evening (renewing object constancy, alleviating fear of abandonment).

Event 10 - Texted me and told me she still wanted to have sex with me (lack of boundaries) but that we were at two different points in life (fear of engulfment). 

Event 11 - Expressed annoyance at something her boyfriend said (fear of engulfment and attempt to see him as "all black" and me as "all white" and texted me all night while I was at a work function (lack of boundaries).

Event 12 - Told me she pictured marrying me and wanted to live with me (idealization).

Event 13 - Texted me and told me that her boyfriend left her alone at a party (fear of abandonment) and that he later "hit" her (seeing him as "all black" and me as "all white".

Event 14 - Took off work on a day that I had a personal day (fear of abandonment) and texted me throughout the day (maintaining object constancy).  Changed the subject when I mentioned she could store some belongings at my house until we moved (fear of engulfment).

Event 15 - Slept over at my house two nights in a row (lack of boundaries) and looked at a house with me.  Tried to avoid sex (I like intimacy with sex) the first night and completely avoided it the second night (fear of engulfment).

Event 16 - Got annoyed when I told her I had a meeting at work that night and we would have to drive to work separately, when she assumed I would drive us (enforcing boundaries).

Event 17 - I kept bringing up houses and scheduling showings and she ignored me all day (fear of engulfment).  That afternoon, she wanted to talk after work, but I said I had work to do (enforcing boundaries and fear of abandonment). 

Event 18 - She ignored me that night and then raged at me in a text message, after I kept bringing up houses again (fear of engulfment).   

Event 19 - Tried to get me to send her a topless picture (inability to understand the difference between sex and intimacy), but I wouldn't (enforcing boundaries), and she ignored me the rest of the night.  I sent her a long, romantic e-mail that she never replied to or even mentioned reading (fear of engulfment).

Event 20 - Ignored me while with her boyfriend (lack of object constancy) and then raged at me when I brought up houses again (fear of engulfment).  Raged again, but when I got upset and she realized she'd gone to far, she pretended to be her boyfriend (fear of abandonment, along with inability to see consequences and inability to accept responsibility).  Blamed me for almost making her lose everything and told me that we would never be together (seeing me as "all black" and him as "all white". 

Event 21 - Took off work because she was depressed.  Texted me that night to tell me she wanted shower sex and missed me and my "sweet kisses" (fear of abandonment, testing boundaries).  I refused to engage, and she stopped texting me (enforcing boundaries).

Event 22 - Raged at me after I didn't talk to her during a fire drill (fear of abandonment).

Event 23 - I told her not to text me while I was away because I didn't want her drama (attempt to enforce boundaries), but she did, and I replied (lack of boundaries).  She tried to engage me in sexting, but I would not and then asked me if she could sleep over at my house two nights later, but I said no because she had chosen her boyfriend and needed to stay with him (enforcing boundaries).

Event 24 - Told me not to text her anything "suspicious" and to not text her the rest of the weekend (still trying to convince herself and me that her boyfriend was "all black," while also maintaining object constancy with him). 

Event 25 - Worked a half-day because of a morning doctor's appointment, and when I asked if I could see her after work, she said she had to leave right away (fear of engulfment).

Event 26 - Projection, devaluing, and raging happened at a rapid pace, spurred by me asking what went wrong between us (fear of engulfment).

Event 27 - Raged at her boyfriend and attempted suicide (fear of abandonment, shame over her actions that had built up).

Event 28 - Wanted me to visit her in the hospital on her terms, which caused me to rearrange my schedule (idealizing her boyfriend, lack of boundaries).   

Event 29 - Didn't call me from the hospital like she told me she would (lack of object constancy, devaluing me and idealizing him)

Event 30 - Refused to answer my questions about when we could spend time together over the summer (fear of engulfment).

Event 31 - School ended, and she frequently ignored my texts (lack of object constancy) and avoided talking about hanging out (lack of object constancy, fear of engulfment, devaluing me and idealizing her boyfriend).

Event 32 - Asked me to hang out with her the day after I texted her and told her I had plans that day (testing boundaries), and I told her I couldn't (enforcing boundaries).  Raged at me and then ignored me when I asked her later that day about hanging out some other time (fear of engulfment). 

Event 33 - Raged at me hours after I texted her about being tired of rearranging my schedule to fit hers (enforcing boundaries, fear of engulfment) and told me to "f__k off" because I am a "poison" (projection, devaluing, lack of object constancy, painting me black).  Told me she would rather spend time with her boyfriend than me (lack of object constancy, devaluing me, idealizing him, fear of abandonment with him). 

Event 34 - Finally sent back things she had borrowed from me, while packing to move across the country, and sent a nice card (object constancy, painting me white again, very briefly). 

Event 35 - Told me she wouldn't answer some questions I had for her and didn't wish me a happy birthday (lack of object constancy, painting me black again)

So, what it comes down to is this:

Intellectually, she and I are a perfect match.  Emotionally, she and her boyfriend are a perfect match.  In terms of boundaries, she and her boyfriend are a perfect match (he's never set them, and I started to set them).  And right now, she's an untreated pwBPD (feelings = facts), so it doesn't matter how perfect we are for each other intellectually. 

[SGraham]

Summerstorm,

I could really relate to your story because it is basically what happened to me except i guess im more like the boyfriend, my ex was bi and expressed interest in one of her female friends  . I think thats good that you can objectively list out the events of your relationship and recognise the issues, im sure it helps to de romanticise everything. Ive gotten to a similar point where i can look back at the good times and the bad and just recognise the problems on both of our parts. Anyway, its good to hear you understand things a little better.

Best wishes,

SG

[rotiroti]

Good riddance SummerStorm! You could replace everything in the parentheses with (BPD trait). Why do you say that you guys were perfect for each other intellectually? I see lots of rationalizing on your posts and ruminating. It's easy for idealization to go in either direction

[SummerStorm]

Good riddance SummerStorm! You could replace everything in the parentheses with (BPD trait). Why do you say that you guys were perfect for each other intellectually? I see lots of rationalizing on your posts and ruminating. It's easy for idealization to go in either direction

Same college major, same career, similar interests in literature, both interested in philosophy

I do see what you're saying, about the idealization going both ways.  Having said that, that is why I started enforcing boundaries.  Also, I think it's important to put things in the context of BPD, as it stops me from constantly asking, ":)id she really love me or not?"

[SummerStorm]

rotiroti,

I do hope your "good riddance" is directed at her and not me.  It was a bit unclear, I have to admit.

[rotiroti]

rotiroti,

I do hope your "good riddance" is directed at her and not me.  It was a bit unclear, I have to admit.

completely her! Sorry english is not my first language

[SummerStorm]

rotiroti,

I do hope your "good riddance" is directed at her and not me.  It was a bit unclear, I have to admit.

completely her! Sorry english is not my first language

It's quite alright.  It's a shame because she's actually so intelligent, like scary intelligent.  Like me, she loves to read into things and break everything down.  She likes learning new things. 

[rotiroti]

rotiroti,

I do hope your "good riddance" is directed at her and not me.  It was a bit unclear, I have to admit.

completely her! Sorry english is not my first language

It's quite alright.  It's a shame because she's actually so intelligent, like scary intelligent.  Like me, she loves to read into things and break everything down.  She likes learning new things. 

 

I wish you the best and I promise you that you will meet somebody in the future who will have those things and will be healthy and love you. I can tell you that real love is kind and gentle