After our first date

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After our 1st date (I commented above in this thread about our first meeting as friends) she told me ALL this below. That would have sent most healthy people heading for the hills. I must have had a huge savior complex because in the following she told me ALL I needed to know about where this relationship would be headed. Try to keep track of the exes... .

good luck.

Major   (that should be my new screen name) Major Flag .

-Got pregnant with older (married) man's baby at 22

-Tells married mans wife she is pregnant by him. Breaks up marriage, breaks up with man and puts baby up for adoption.

-Marries man she meets while pregnant. Marriage lasts a year. He runs away with no notice for months. Tries to kill himself. She tells me she lost all respect for him after that.

-Dates first actual girlfriend #1

-Hangs out with bad crowd ends up with girlfriend #2 leaving girlfriend #1

-Girlfriend #1 contacts exes father to inform him ex is with bad crowd.

-Meets girlfriend #3 in a bar. This girlfriend (close to 400lbs) according to her, saves her from drugs and detoxes her.

-Leaves girlfriend #3 for girlfriend #1

-Leaves girlfriend #1 for girlfriend #4 for who she meets online in a BDSM chat room.

-Girlfriend #3 and #1 end up dating. My ex races back and "steals" girlfriend #1 back. Never speaks to girlfriend #3 again.

-Somewhere in the middle of all this ex ends up in a poly relationship with a man and wife. Dates wife and actually brings her to her moms 2nd wedding. Is the cause for the marriage to crumble and ends up staying with the husband for a year after the wife leaves.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex move to Oregon.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex break up and girlfriend #1 moves to Michigan, My ex moves in with Girlfriend #4 again.

-Girlfriend #4 dumps ex because she cheated on her with girlfriend #1 who was visiting.

-Ex buys a condo and moves in with Girlfriend #5.

-Girlfriend #5 supposedly rapes my ex. Girlfriend #4 saves my ex. Girlfriend #4 moves back with Ex. During this time exes father has an altercation with girlfriend #4 and pushes her. He also supposedly takes a sledgehammer and destroys all the floors in the house that girlfriend #4 layed. Girlfriend #4 moves out and ex sues her father (who owns the house technically) unsuccessfully.

-Ex sleeps with Girlfriend #1... .again. Cheats on #4.

-Girlfriend #4 breaks up with Ex and enters into a 10yr partnership. This is before a big trip ex is about to go on with ex #4.

-Ex goes on craigslist and meets a woman she takes on the trip (along with this woman's child?) This woman won't speak with her on the trip and ends up not letting her say goodbye to the kid.

-Ex moves to Wisconsin and starts dating Girlfriend #6, a crime scene detective. After a year, Girlfriend #6 dumps ex. (Ex still has pictures of this woman's dog on her FB). Says this woman dumped her because she was fat and all her friends didn't like her. She (my ex) had bought an engagement ring for this woman. She gives it back. Never talks to my ex again.

-Meets Girlfriend #7 from Iowa. They meet in Wisc in a bar. Carry on a 1yr long distance relationship (I know this ex). Not sure if co-currently dating with #8. During the course of this relationship they break up 3x. The 2nd two times ex leaves #7 for ex #1 and ex #4 even though both are taken (thought she would win them back or was using them as an excuse).

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #8. Ex dates Girlfriend #8 for a year... .fraught with conflict (shocking). This ex is a prison psychiatrist (whom she tells me is a sex addicted stalker whom she has a restraining order against-when I meet her).

-Ex dumps Girlfriend #8 and meets Girlfriend #9.  This is a short relationship (3mo or so). This woman is a pro bodybuilder. Ex uses this woman to move her to IL.

-Ex moves back to IL and meets me.

-Ex tells me her ex #8 was a "stalker"

-Ex is talking to #8 one month into our relationship.

-#8 finds girlfriend and moves to Missouri. Ex starts talking to #4 whose relationship is on the rocks.

-Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don't think we should be together. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.

-Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in this relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can't call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won't even listen to me, Week of Halloween. Comes back to me a week later.

-A day before my friend's party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend's house late. This is December. Ex returns two days before Christmas.

-Ex and I go away for NYE.  On NYD ex dumps me. Ex returns before Valentine's Day.

-Ex's ex #4 comes to town to visit in early April. I meet her.  

-In late May I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day with my ex because something bad happened at work. Ex tells me "this is ridiculous. we are over".  

-Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex#4. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.

-Ex says #4 is her new girlfriend. Returns two months later calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.

-Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends. Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).

-Ex#4  starts a new relationship with a woman. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned... .years later.

-Ex dumps me for new girlfriend #10 and ceases all communication with me.

-Ex contacts me in January with a really lame email hook I fall for. Turns out she was in the hospital since Dec. Blew a disk in her back out. Turns out girlfriend #10 never visited her in the hospital. She never apologizes for leaving me... .but I'm sucked back in. Turns out she was also online chatting with a woman with Herpes during this time.

-I am in another relationship at this time and end up cheating with my ex (not my proudest moment). I date them both til June 2014, when my now ex calls the other woman and tells her I have been cheating on her for months.

-Ex and I have a fairly stable year. No real fights or rages. I have now pulled away emotionally though (and pretty much sexually). The toll of this relationship has caused me much depression and I feel alone even with her. She moves a mile from me and since August we have a puppy together that lives with her.

-In Dec I have major surgery and my ex takes care of me for two months. In Jan I plan a huge surprise party for my ex (for April). I invite my ex sisters. Both decline with the one I work with threatening to report me to HR for giving her dirty looks at work (a whole other story). I invite her mother who tells me I have poor taste and am a braggart because I am hosting this party at a friends house in a swanky downtown neighborhood.

-All my exes family stress is killing me. Ex is thinking I am going to dump her. I'm starting to think about that now realizing how awful this family is and now my job is threatened.

-Throw a huge birthday party for ex... .mostly my friends but ex #1 is there (she is now with a man) as is the ex from Iowa who is now married to another woman.

-We meet a new girl in May in my meetup group. She seems super nice and I am excited we are becoming friends. Tells me she just got out of a seven year relationship where she was cheated on. Still having trouble getting over it. Find out later this relationship ended in 2007 with them buying a house in 2005 and only living together two years. She tells me she is thinking of also dating men again.

-Ex mentions at an outing this woman is very attractive in our community (gay community) which doesn't go un noticed by me (the comment).

-Ex invites me bowling with her and this girl. I decline as I am trying to get ready for our big trip to Mexico.

-Next day ex says we need to talk. She is not leaving me but maybe we shouldn't date anymore. She is worried about my health since surgery and thinks we are more bffs than GF.

-Ex dumps me a day later. Changes the locks as I'm leaving. Says I can call her and she is "willing to talk" but never sees us together as a couple again. Says she thinks I'm capable of a relationship with someone, just not with her.

Me thinks she is right!

-I talk to the new girl and she actually tells me she wants to stay my friend while she dates my ex (who has convinced her we are only friends nothing more). I pretty much tell this woman where she can go and delete and block them from FB.

-Ex is blowing up Facebook with how much in love she is with this person, now known as #11 (if I throw myself in there).  Has contacted my friends to apologize for the awkwardness because she now wants to integrate this friendless girl into my social circle.

[Pretty Woman]

After our 1st date (I commented above in this thread about our first meeting as friends) she told me ALL this below. That would have sent most healthy people heading for the hills. I must have had a huge savior complex because in the following she told me ALL I needed to know about where this relationship would be headed. Try to keep track of the exes... .

good luck.

Major   (that should be my new screen name) Major Flag .

-Got pregnant with older (married) man's baby at 22

-Tells married mans wife she is pregnant by him. Breaks up marriage, breaks up with man and puts baby up for adoption.

-Marries man she meets while pregnant. Marriage lasts a year. He runs away with no notice for months. Tries to kill himself. She tells me she lost all respect for him after that.

-Dates first actual girlfriend #1

-Hangs out with bad crowd ends up with girlfriend #2 leaving girlfriend #1

-Girlfriend #1 contacts exes father to inform him ex is with bad crowd.

-Meets girlfriend #3 in a bar. This girlfriend (close to 400lbs) according to her, saves her from drugs and detoxes her.

-Leaves girlfriend #3 for girlfriend #1

-Leaves girlfriend #1 for girlfriend #4 for who she meets online in a BDSM chat room.

-Girlfriend #3 and #1 end up dating. My ex races back and "steals" girlfriend #1 back. Never speaks to girlfriend #3 again.

-Somewhere in the middle of all this ex ends up in a poly relationship with a man and wife. Dates wife and actually brings her to her moms 2nd wedding. Is the cause for the marriage to crumble and ends up staying with the husband for a year after the wife leaves.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex move to Oregon.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex break up and girlfriend #1 moves to Michigan, My ex moves in with Girlfriend #4 again.

-Girlfriend #4 dumps ex because she cheated on her with girlfriend #1 who was visiting.

-Ex buys a condo and moves in with Girlfriend #5.

-Girlfriend #5 supposedly rapes my ex. Girlfriend #4 saves my ex. Girlfriend #4 moves back with Ex. During this time exes father has an altercation with girlfriend #4 and pushes her. He also supposedly takes a sledgehammer and destroys all the floors in the house that girlfriend #4 layed. Girlfriend #4 moves out and ex sues her father (who owns the house technically) unsuccessfully.

-Ex sleeps with Girlfriend #1... .again. Cheats on #4.

-Girlfriend #4 breaks up with Ex and enters into a 10yr partnership. This is before a big trip ex is about to go on with ex #4.

-Ex goes on craigslist and meets a woman she takes on the trip (along with this woman's child?) This woman won't speak with her on the trip and ends up not letting her say goodbye to the kid.

-Ex moves to Wisconsin and starts dating Girlfriend #6, a crime scene detective. After a year, Girlfriend #6 dumps ex. (Ex still has pictures of this woman's dog on her FB). Says this woman dumped her because she was fat and all her friends didn't like her. She (my ex) had bought an engagement ring for this woman. She gives it back. Never talks to my ex again.

-Meets Girlfriend #7 from Iowa. They meet in Wisc in a bar. Carry on a 1yr long distance relationship (I know this ex). Not sure if co-currently dating with #8. During the course of this relationship they break up 3x. The 2nd two times ex leaves #7 for ex #1 and ex #4 even though both are taken (thought she would win them back or was using them as an excuse).

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #8. Ex dates Girlfriend #8 for a year... .fraught with conflict (shocking). This ex is a prison psychiatrist (whom she tells me is a sex addicted stalker whom she has a restraining order against-when I meet her).

-Ex dumps Girlfriend #8 and meets Girlfriend #9.  This is a short relationship (3mo or so). This woman is a pro bodybuilder. Ex uses this woman to move her to IL.

-Ex moves back to IL and meets me.

-Ex tells me her ex #8 was a "stalker"

-Ex is talking to #8 one month into our relationship.

-#8 finds girlfriend and moves to Missouri. Ex starts talking to #4 whose relationship is on the rocks.

-Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don't think we should be together. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.

-Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in this relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can't call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won't even listen to me, Week of Halloween. Comes back to me a week later.

-A day before my friend's party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend's house late. This is December. Ex returns two days before Christmas.

-Ex and I go away for NYE.  On NYD ex dumps me. Ex returns before Valentine's Day.

-Ex's ex #4 comes to town to visit in early April. I meet her.  

-In late May I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day with my ex because something bad happened at work. Ex tells me "this is ridiculous. we are over".  

-Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex#4. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.

-Ex says #4 is her new girlfriend. Returns two months later calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.

-Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends. Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).

-Ex#4  starts a new relationship with a woman. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned... .years later.

-Ex dumps me for new girlfriend #10 and ceases all communication with me.

-Ex contacts me in January with a really lame email hook I fall for. Turns out she was in the hospital since Dec. Blew a disk in her back out. Turns out girlfriend #10 never visited her in the hospital. She never apologizes for leaving me... .but I'm sucked back in. Turns out she was also online chatting with a woman with Herpes during this time.

-I am in another relationship at this time and end up cheating with my ex (not my proudest moment). I date them both til June 2014, when my now ex calls the other woman and tells her I have been cheating on her for months.

-Ex and I have a fairly stable year. No real fights or rages. I have now pulled away emotionally though (and pretty much sexually). The toll of this relationship has caused me much depression and I feel alone even with her. She moves a mile from me and since August we have a puppy together that lives with her.

-In Dec I have major surgery and my ex takes care of me for two months. In Jan I plan a huge surprise party for my ex (for April). I invite my ex sisters. Both decline with the one I work with threatening to report me to HR for giving her dirty looks at work (a whole other story). I invite her mother who tells me I have poor taste and am a braggart because I am hosting this party at a friends house in a swanky downtown neighborhood.

-All my exes family stress is killing me. Ex is thinking I am going to dump her. I'm starting to think about that now realizing how awful this family is and now my job is threatened.

-Throw a huge birthday party for ex... .mostly my friends but ex #1 is there (she is now with a man) as is the ex from Iowa who is now married to another woman.

-We meet a new girl in May in my meetup group. She seems super nice and I am excited we are becoming friends. Tells me she just got out of a seven year relationship where she was cheated on. Still having trouble getting over it. Find out later this relationship ended in 2007 with them buying a house in 2005 and only living together two years. She tells me she is thinking of also dating men again.

-Ex mentions at an outing this woman is very attractive in our community (gay community) which doesn't go un noticed by me (the comment).

-Ex invites me bowling with her and this girl. I decline as I am trying to get ready for our big trip to Mexico.

-Next day ex says we need to talk. She is not leaving me but maybe we shouldn't date anymore. She is worried about my health since surgery and thinks we are more bffs than GF.

-Ex dumps me a day later. Changes the locks as I'm leaving. Says I can call her and she is "willing to talk" but never sees us together as a couple again. Says she thinks I'm capable of a relationship with someone, just not with her.

Me thinks she is right!

-I talk to the new girl and she actually tells me she wants to stay my friend while she dates my ex (who has convinced her we are only friends nothing more). I pretty much tell this woman where she can go and delete and block them from FB.

-Ex is blowing up Facebook with how much in love she is with this person, now known as #11 (if I throw myself in there).  Has contacted my friends to apologize for the awkwardness because she now wants to integrate this friendless girl into my social circle.

[Skip]

PW,

You posted all this back in 2013 when you were two weeks out. Now it 22+ months.

How do you feel about her now?  The same as back then?

Skip

Thanks to everyone for the comments.

It's funny, after my first "dumping" I found BPD Family I immediately came to the leaving and detaching forum. I always assumed it was "the end" and I would never be re-engaged. I mean, when someone says they are going to issue a restraining order against you, that doesn't exactly scream, "I love you, don't leave me"!


I think the hardest part about being in a relationship with a BPD is the broken trust and emotional/physical attachments they form to other people. My ex is now dating a mutual friend (2 weeks after dumping me). I actually encouraged them to hang out because my ex is a loner and they got along well.  Wasn't counting on being replaced. .

In retrospect, I should have heeded all the red flags. There were so many how could I not see? What the hell was blinding me?

My BPD Ex-Red Flags  

-Got pregnant at 17 with a married "older" man. Tricked him into leaving his wife and signing away his rights to the baby.

-Got pregnant with her 1st husband and "aborted" the baby after an argument. Husband tried to kill himself. Husband ended up cheating on her with his boss, getting the boss pregnant.

-Entered a lesbian relationship for 10yrs with a woman, *Tammy. Was not a sexual relationship but in her opinion, "very intimate".

-Got involved in drugs and hung around the wrong people (drug dealers). Dated a woman with a prison record who would dissapear and was deeply into crime.

-Was "rescued" by *Laura, a 400lb woman in a gay bar who kept her away from the drug dealers and helped her get her life together.

-Cheated on *Laura with her 1st ex, *Tammy.

-Left *Tammy for *Leanne who she met in an S and M group.

-*Laura and *Tammy hook up and my ex "steals" back her ex *Tammy from *Laura. Never speaks with *Laura again.

-Ex breaks up with *Tammy and ends up in a relationship with *Patricia.  *Patricia is described as gorgeous but insane. *Patricia rapes my ex.

-*Leanne, from the S and M group rescues my ex from *Patricia and they begin a life together in Minnesota.

-*Leanne's family does not like my ex and *Leanne's Aunt tells ex that her niece could "do much better".

-After an altercation where my ex's father pushes *Leanne, *Leanne dumps my ex and immediately enters a partnership for 10yrs with a woman named *Stacy.

-My ex moves to Wisconsin and meets a cop named *Lisa. They date for a little over a year. My ex buys Lisa a ring which she wears "upside down" when they are out. My ex believes *Lisa's friends thought she could do better and she was not physically fit enough to be partners. *Lisa dumps ex and gives back ring. To this day, there is a picture of *Lisa and her dog on my ex's FB page.

-Ex moves on to *Nancy, an friend of *Lisa's who is a prison psychiatrist (really IS, I looked her up)! They date for a little over a year and my ex loses her job during this time. Ex gambles her entire savings away and moves to Illinois.

-Ex and I begin to date. Ex tells me *Nancy is a "sex addict" and stalker she needed to move away from and get a restraining order against. Tells me she even changed her number.

-Two months into dating my ex, she is talking to *Nancy and telling me all the things she's telling her we are doing (places we are going etc). Doesn't dawn on me til later, isn't this the woman she blocked who was harassing her?

-Starts dumping me every three months and coming back. All of a sudden, her former partner from 10yrs ago is single (Leanne). Calls her her "best friend". Dumps me in June and runs to her, she is "the one that got away". Sleeps with her and runs back to me. I take her back again.

Other red flags    

-Was in a relationship with a woman and a man for two years.  Man ended up leaving the woman for her.

-Father was physically abusive. Family split due to a sexual incident.

-Parents were not present growing up. She lived with another family when she got pregnant.

-Has very few friends and keeps tab on all her exes on FB.

Most people would run if they heard this laundry list.  Me, I felt sorry. Me, who has had one serious relationship in 38yrs and a pretty normal and I would say extremely boring (Thank GOD) life opposed to this.

This seriously makes me wonder WHY? Why would I choose to be in a relationship like this in the first place.  I am really hoping this extensive therapy will help me. This is way too much drama for a lifetime (and ironically my ex thought I was too dramatic and she desired "calm"! !

[Pretty Woman]

No, I actually meant to post this in a new thread... .not as a new post.

I am quite indifferent. When I read this I realized how silly it was I stayed. That's my doing. She did me a favor leaving.

[rotiroti]

As hectic as that sounds, that has to be a terrifyingly difficult way to live. When I was younger I would try everything to fit in, but to do it for life?

oh man

[DreamGirl]

Indifference tends to be what we do when we want to distant ourselves from the emotion.

Feelings of equanimity is more about embracing the difficult situation -- and finding purpose and peace in what's happened.  

Why would I choose to be in a relationship like this in the first place.

How is this part coming?

You said that most would run for the hills, but that she tapped into you feeling sorry for her. Pity is not usually what attracts us to other people.

Sometimes it does though. For me, it was that codependent, martyr thinking (of being the saving grace) and that I would be recognized, loved, and adored for all that self-portrayed selflessness... .which wasn't actually selflessness at all.

There's a reason these dysfunctional souls fit so perfectly in our lives.

It helps to talk about why.