Need advice from all who stayed / went back

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had posted something similar on the leaving board but I need advice from people who stayed... I want to know if this is a way to get me back. I want to know if anyone's story is similar. We have been broken up for a little over a month.

I sent my ex a text on her birthday...

Me: Happy Birthday, XXXXXXX

Her: Thank you, PX

5 minutes later

Her: It wasn't nearly as good as you made it last year.

We had been NC for a little over a month. We chatted via text, Joking, catching up, talking like we hadn't in years... .

Her: We should catch up soon. Maybe lunch/dinner/coffee? I wanna see your face.

I agreed to see her next week. I don't know what she wants... I found a post she wrote about me online on a forum that was completely heartbreaking. Yes, it was something that I could have easily found. I think it was directed to me and for others to give her sympathy.

I have not spoken to her since Thursday. I let her have the last word via texts. I don't want to smoother her, I don't want to make it seem like I'm banking so much on Next Thursday.

I guess I'm wondering if she's doing this to get me back or doing this to watch me suffer.

Honestly, I'm doing amazing since she left. Yes I am sad but if she wants to see a shell of a person, she's not going to get that.

Does anyone have a similar story? Wouldn't she be texting me constantly if she wanted me to be with her? I'm scared of being hurt but I also want to make it work if she's willing.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I had posted something similar on the leaving board but I need advice from people who stayed... I want to know if this is a way to get me back. I want to know if anyone's story is similar. We have been broken up for a little over a month.

I sent my ex a text on her birthday...

Me: Happy Birthday, XXXXXXX

Her: Thank you, PX

5 minutes later

Her: It wasn't nearly as good as you made it last year.

We had been NC for a little over a month. We chatted via text, Joking, catching up, talking like we hadn't in years... .

Her: We should catch up soon. Maybe lunch/dinner/coffee? I wanna see your face.

I agreed to see her next week. I don't know what she wants... I found a post she wrote about me online on a forum that was completely heartbreaking. Yes, it was something that I could have easily found. I think it was directed to me and for others to give her sympathy.

I have not spoken to her since Thursday. I let her have the last word via texts. I don't want to smoother her, I don't want to make it seem like I'm banking so much on Next Thursday.

I guess I'm wondering if she's doing this to get me back or doing this to watch me suffer.

Honestly, I'm doing amazing since she left. Yes I am sad but if she wants to see a shell of a person, she's not going to get that.

Does anyone have a similar story? Wouldn't she be texting me constantly if she wanted me to be with her? I'm scared of being hurt but I also want to make it work if she's willing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rotiroti]

Hi PX, would you share what she wrote or a summary of it? It could gauge how she feels about the situation.

You wrote that you don't know what she wants and my question to you is what do YOU want from seeing her again?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

What she wrote was a story about how one night she woke up a few weeks ago and called my name and I wasn't there and made her realize that I was really gone and she feels so empty. It's about how her life is now  hell and how she loved me and always will love me but our relationship was not healthy. Also how she cries herself to sleep at night and I am gone.

I want to be with her again. I'm madly in love with her. However, I'm scared of all outcomes.

I just want to know if anyone here has been broken up with a BPD ex only to have them come back a month later. I want this to work. I'm bettering myself and don't hold her responsible for all of our problems. I take ownership to being 50% of the relationship.

[formflier]

 

Read up on the lessons before meeting her.

Make sure she is chasing you... and not you chasing her.

Be a bit nonchalant about things... .slightly interested.

FF

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm not chasing her, I know now that's one of the things I've been doing wrong. I didn't set any boundaries before, I let her walk all over me. It's certainly not happening this time.

I just want her back so badly.

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh and I were separated, and nearly divorced(I'd filed, he received the papers), but we somehow ended up back together. I actually tried to get a continuance on the divorce, just because I was skeptical if I'd made the right choice, or if this could work, but the courts wouldn't do that.

For about 4 months, I was thinking things were greatly improving. Well, the last couple months. mainly this last month, things have taken a nosedive. Read enough on here, and you'll see that happens quite often. I get that it takes two, and that most relationships are each person being half responsible, but I don't feel that is truly the case when a PD is involved. Heck, even in "normal" marriages, I think it's about balance, but it's never equally 50/50. You want to take half the responsibility, which is commendable, but may not be accurate.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD means we have to do more, in lots of situations. We have to be the more emotionally mature one, and it's far easier for us to learn behavior modifications, or learn to use the tools from the right of this page, so that we can have a more peaceful, and happier life with them.

It's great to work on yourself, and to see that you play a part, but just don't take on more responsibility than is actually yours. People with BPD tend to blame and project, so they'll let you take all the blame if you will. Working on making yourself strong, and not being codependent is all good.

I'd bet your GF is going to want you back. I think it sounds like she is having regrets. Maybe the relationship was unhealthy, but don't let her pin that on just YOU. If you go back into it, do so with new boundaries. Makes sure she knows them. I agree with Formflier about being nonchalant.

I seriously think my husband wanted to come back because single life wasn't as great as he thought, and he realized just how much I put up with from him, and he hated the fact that I was dating. How dare I move on? They push us away, then see if they can lure us back.

[Thread]

I left my husband with BPD for a whole year. I was in a good place. I took him back. I shouldn't have. Things were okay for the first two

To three months but back to the normal cycle of emotional abuse and the BPD characteristics. If you're good where you are keep going.

My issue was my married and religious precepts I grew up with guilting and shaming my decision. No one knows except for people suffering on this site what the reality of a relationship with a BPD is like. And it's really challenging and not normal marital problems.

My suggestion is to keep moving forward alone.

[bjm]

I went through what you are describing to a tee literally every three to four days for three months.

Yes, this is her reeling you back in.

And she si going to reel you in and do it again.  Its like a cycle that repeats itself.  ITs a roles coaster ride that they will stay on until you re the one that finally gets off.

She is throwing little things out there to see how you will respond.  She feeling out the situation.

She will del you in and then freer will overtake her, and she will do you wrong again.  And each time will get worse and worse.  Nothing will ever make sense and nothing will ever be normal.

Yes, she should be blowing you up and reaching out, but nothing the do is typical to 3what a rational person feels is normal.

Mine did this over and over.  The last straw was when she told me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and be with me forever than I literally called her 5 min later and she would not take my calls and then I went to her home and she wold not open the door.  That doesn't sound the way like someone would act who wants to marry you... .

Its all fear based.  They want it so bad, yet their fear makes them push you away.  She is pulling you in, and will push you away over and over and over.  IT  will not change.

[babyducks]

Does anyone have a similar story? Wouldn't she be texting me constantly if she wanted me to be with her? I'm scared of being hurt but I also want to make it work if she's willing.

Here is what I always say when that question comes up.  Everyone's situation is unique based on their individual circumstances.  It's a very personal decision to go or stay.

I went back after being out of the r/s for over a year.  

My partner has dual diagnoses of bipolar 1 and BPD, she takes her medications religiously, she recently was released after 9 years of therapy, she is careful about diet, sleep, stress, and alcohol.  Anything that might effect mood or trigger hypomania.   She is committed to maintaining her mental health.

I went to therapy for 2 years to identify my issues, 'cause we all got them.  I come here daily for support and understanding.

Our r/s now is stable, secure and I would consider it successful.   It is not easy for either of us.  Her emotions do occasionally dsyregulate.   I struggle to maintain feelings of optimism.  We probably work harder at our r/s than any couple I know.  

Do not underestimate what it takes to be in this type of relationship.

In my experience it requires both partners to be willing and able to put in a tremendous amount of effort.

'ducks

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I have identified many of my issues and from our conversation she is working hard on hers. Still, I'm not at all sure what the outcome of our meeting will be.

I know I am her longest relationship and her first real "love" she had used the word love to others before but she never meant it until she met me. I honestly believe that I don't think that's her BPD.

But, I always know her love for being overly dramatic. I am very scared this will happen again if I don't constantly give into her and let her walk all over me. I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to go through this again and lose friends but I love her so incredibly much.

[LilMe]

PX1983,

I'm with babyducks on this one    Every situation is different.  You will hear stories on both sides of the issue.  On the one hand, I say run for your life!  But it can also work.  I came back after a year separation to protect my small children.  I work the Lessons like crazy and have pulled away emotionally, and things are amazingly good.  We do have hiccups now and then, but overall, things are good. 

Get strong, don't get sucked in, and know that you will make mistakes.  Boundaries and Lessons!

Keep us posted!

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I just want to protect myself here. I know crappy stuff is happening in her life and part of me thinks she wants back because I'll save her, the other part of me thinks she wants back because she loves me.

But there is still a part of me that's nagging asking "is she doing this to get you to go out with her somewhere so she can emotionally hurt you."

I don't think she would have said those things just to make me feel good about her birthday. She's not like that.

[Herodias]

I agree every situation is different. It depends on why the breakup happened as well. For me, I have an alcoholic, lying, abusive and cheating Husband that I see will not change and refuses to do the work to change. As much as I love the good person that is there sometimes, I cannot love this abusive selfish person. I am sad about my marriage ending, but I don't think I ever want to have to work this hard in a r/s again. Relationships are not easy always anyway, but when you have a person with all of these extreme emotions and problems, you end up being the one who does all the sacrificing. Personally I wish I paid attention to the red flags in the beginning, so I didn't spend 9 years of my life in this mess. The longer you stay, the more it hurts when it ends. Some people do have it work out, but you have to really do the work to learn how to handle them and basically don't have high expectations... .I wish you well. P.S. I took him back 3 times and each time things got worse and worse... .this is what I hear happens, because they treat you poorly- then you separate, then they think less of you if you take them back.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

They think less of you if you take them back... .

That's exactly what I worry about. I worry that this is a test to see if I will take her back. I'm more scared of me taking her back and her getting bored and this cycle starts up again.

I miss my friend, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not diabolical. I want to see my own errors in this.

The relationship was so much better before I enabled her. I can look back and see that now.

[formflier]

 

Don't worry so much what they think of you... .

Focus your energy on making emotionally healthy decisions for you and the r/s.

Let the chips (and their thinking)... .fall where they may fall... .

We can help you think through decisions... and if they are "emotionally healthy".

FF

[apollotech]

PX,

"From our conversation she is working hard... .[on her issues.]"

What exactly do you know about this ^^^^? Is she in therapy with a qualified therapist, a situation that you have personally confirmed? Or is she just "telling" you all this?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

She's very private about her mental health issues and I'm just going by what she texted me that is going to therapy and she's made medication changes suggested by her new doctor.

There is no real way I can confirm without meeting up with her.

[babyducks]

Hi PX1983,

I noticed something as I was reading your thread.   Here is something you might want to turn over in your head for a while before you make any decision to engage or not.

I believe all of us on the Staying Board deal with a lot of past hurt in our r/s.   A lot of stuff happened in our r/s that would sink a 'normal' r/s (whatever that is) never mind a r/s that has mental illness as a component.   And it is a serious mental illness.   It's not going away.   

They think less of you if you take them back... .

... .I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's not diabolical.

Lot's of us deal with the hurt we have experienced by demonizing our respective partners.   If you decide to move forward and meet her it will likely be helpful to remember that she is not a bad person but a sick one.   Diabolical is a strong word.   I am curious why you would consider meeting up with some one you would describe that way?

I want to see my own errors in this.

The relationship was so much better before I enabled her.

I can look back and see that now.

Self reflection is difficult.  Painful.  Slow.   There used to be a crawler that ran along the top of the boards here that said people choose partners at the same level of emotional maturity as themselves.  I chose a partner who was seriously mentally ill.  What did that say about me?   I hated that crawler. 

Being in a r/s with pwBPD has been a great gift to me.  It has made me more fully human.   I have had to reach for strength and understanding in all sorts of unlikely places.   It has shaken me out of my complacency.  It has made me more compassionate. 

Overcoming some of the past hurts that occurred in my r/s before I learned about BPD has been very difficult.  Rebuilding and maintaining trust has been hard.     

whatever path you decide on, best of luck and we will be here.

'ducks

[apollotech]

She's very private about her mental health issues and I'm just going by what she texted me that is going to therapy and she's made medication changes suggested by her new doctor.

There is no real way I can confirm without meeting up with her.

PX,

I am not telling you what to do, but what you said above (in bold), for me, would be a very, very BIG problem with a relationship candidate. Her mental health issues directly affect the relationship; yet she doesn't want to discuss her mental issues.

Again, I am not telling you what to do, but I see huge problems here on both sides, yours and hers. I hear a lot of "emotional" speak from you, love, fear, etc. I don't see you in control of yourself; therefore, I don't see you in a position to evaluate the possible future relationship, nor her, objectively. Love will not cure BPD or make it go away.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

By saying she is private about her mental health issues, I meant she is private when it comes to telling friends and family about it. I don't exactly advertise to people I have ADD or anxiety. So I get that. She's always been very open with me. Even telling me when she "forgot" to take her antidepressants even though I knew when she didn't take them.

I know love won't cure BPD. I'm not unrealistic here. My own changes are needing to change my codependency and actually go do things for myself instead of cater to her. I'm realistic in the sense that she might not be receptive to me again because this time around (if there is a this time) boundaries are going to be set, and I'm going to be looking out for me opposed to looking out for her. She's been surviving this past month without me so that just goes to show she will survive without me catering to her.

Also, by using the word diabolical. That is not my word for it. Friends don't know about the BPD so they just assume she's a b___. One of my my friends who is bipolar has called her being bipolar since the day she met her (I believe she is also bipolar... Once she claimed her doctor said she was and then she claimed her doctor said she wasn't do I don't know what to believe)

I think I need to go and see how is she in person. Texts aren't an actual way to a read a person. I feel like I should see her for myself and be the judge of it.

[apollotech]

One of my my friends who is bipolar has called her being bipolar since the day she met her (I believe she is also bipolar... Once she claimed her doctor said she was and then she claimed her doctor said she wasn't do I don't know what to believe)

PX,

Removing all other factors (insurance payment purposes, negative social stigma, etc.) bipolar disorder is the most common misdiagnosis for BPD. A clinician might see the wide mood swings but doesn't recognize/see the triggers because the pwBPD doesn't have an emotional attachment to the clinician. Assuming that a SO in the life of a pwBPD is aware of/familiar with the characteristics, triggers of BPD, it is not uncommon for the SO to make the correct diagnosis before the clinician.

My BPDexgf was misdiagnosed as bipolar. The eight months that we were together, I never saw her manic or depressed beyond the normal states that we all experience. She was on no medications for bipolar disorder.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I'm just at a point now where I'm battling back and forth with going to see her.

I am learning how to improve myself and I want to feel out if she is working on ways to improve her. I think I'm in a clear mindset to not be manipulated. It would be nice to see her. I don't want to have bad feelings towards someone I was with for a few years.

Despite some peoples opinions of BPD on this board, I know she loved me and I very much love her.