Hi all

[TheRealJongoBong]

I just want to say hi. My wife has all the behaviors of someone with BPD except for the suicide ideation, thank goodness. I've been insulted, criticized, accused regularly of sexual infidelity, gaslighted, and get to listen all the time to the disjointed arguments of why our relationship is failing and how it is all my fault. What's best in all of this is in the next minute she will be talking excitedly with me about out next vacation together!

I've mostly come to peace with all of this and realize that when these things happen she's really not aware of it but off in some scary place in her own mind. I guess my  real questionis this:  I have no idea how I could get her to a real diagnosis and treatment, as there is no way I could introduce the topic to her without her paranoid reactivity blowing the whole thing up. Am I just trying to be the caretaker again, if I honestly don't like to see her in the hell she's built for herself?

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

Welcome. Your story sounds like mine and many, many others on this site.  

Introducing the topic is not easy. If she is truly BPD she will likely react as if you attacked her if you mention it.

You cannot change her. You have to change you. Read the lessons and learn how you can deal with her in better ways. go through the posts and see what others are dealing with and how. You will find support and good information here.

I, too, felt like a care taker and became one. That is the wrong approach; the problem is you stop setting boundaries in that role. Read up on validation and boundaries in the lessons, these are valuable tools.

[babyducks]

Hi RealJongoBong,

Welcome to the family.

What you are asking is a very complex complicated question.   From my own personal experience I would strongly suggest not discussing BPD with her until you have been around here for a while.   

We always point out the Lessons on the right hand side of the screen as the best place to start.   There is a lot in there to absorb. 

Getting some one else a diagnosis and into treatment is very difficult.   What this board focuses on is the person most likely to be receptive to change.  That's you.    You'll find tools and skills here to improve conditions and communications regardless if your wife has a diagnosis or is in treatment.

Cole mentioned the lessons on boundaries and validation.   They are critical for being in a relationship with a person with BPD.    Caretaking is not a role that any of us can sustain long term.

I never thought my r/s could get better but it has once I learned to react differently to my partner when she was emotionally dsyregulated things became stable and (mostly) calm.

'ducks

[an0ught]

Cole mentioned the lessons on boundaries and validation.   They are critical for being in a relationship with a person with BPD.    Caretaking is not a role that any of us can sustain long term.

I never thought my r/s could get better but it has once I learned to react differently to my partner when she was emotionally dsyregulated things became stable and (mostly) calm.

Emotional caretaking in a relationship with a pwBPD is a very different kind of caretaking than what is in the ordinary sense of the word. In order to contribute at all to stabilizing our partner we need to take care first and foremost of ourselves. Only when we are emotionally stable we can provide meaningful support in a sustainable manner.

The way BPD works is that the pwBPD upsets others around and a spiraling down feedback loop starts. As babyducks said we can do a lot by changing our reactions.

,

a0

[GreenGrover]

I just want to say hi. My wife has all the behaviors of someone with BPD except for the suicide ideation, thank goodness. I've been insulted, criticized, accused regularly of sexual infidelity, gaslighted, and get to listen all the time to the disjointed arguments of why our relationship is failing and how it is all my fault. What's best in all of this is in the next minute she will be talking excitedly with me about out next vacation together!

I've mostly come to peace with all of this and realize that when these things happen she's really not aware of it but off in some scary place in her own mind. I guess my  real questionis this:  I have no idea how I could get her to a real diagnosis and treatment, as there is no way I could introduce the topic to her without her paranoid reactivity blowing the whole thing up. Am I just trying to be the caretaker again, if I honestly don't like to see her in the hell she's built for herself?

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Hi,TheRealJongoBong!

You said your wife has many of the behaviors of someone with BPD.  So really, at this point, it doesn't matter if she is diagnosed or not.  If she is showing those behaviors, things like validation and boundaries are great places for you to start.

Unfortunately, getting a diagnosis is tough.  My exbffBPD was diagnosed after a suicide attempt.  You said your wife does not have suicidal thoughts.  If she does have BPD, perhaps she is a high-functioning pwBPD.  Often, their behaviors are only seen by those closest to them.  My exbffBPD is sort of a mix of both, but she is more low-functioning than high-functioning (self-harm, behaviors interfering with job, etc.).

Unfortunately, at this point, you really do just have to work on you and your interactions with her.  Does she seem self-aware at all?  In other words, does she make any comments that may imply that she knows something is wrong ("I have no friends," "Everyone leaves me," "I feel empty inside"?  My exbffBPD does sometimes blame others (it's a common defense mechanism), but she also does acknowledge the fact that something is wrong with her and that she hurts people.  It doesn't mean that she's willing to get help, but she does acknowledge that there's a problem.  If your wife doesn't acknowledge that there's even a problem, then all you can do for now is read the lessons and remember that you can't change her.   

[TheRealJongoBong]

I quite agree with all of you that working on myself is going to have the most effect (for me, especially!). It's funny, it only just fully sunk in a few weeks back that my wife is BP. It sort of kicks the rug out from under your feet when you first realize that the whole relationship you THOUGHT you had was nothing more than a weird dream, that the person you thought you were in an adult relationship with is actually reacting to you as a child.

I was quite upset with her for some time when I thought her emotional attacks were directed towards me. Now that I realized they are mostly tantrums from a 3 year old I just don't take them as seriously.

Still, some of her behaviors are bizarre enough that I wonder if there is something more going on like dementia. As an example, I and the rest of my wife's family witnessed her yesterday attacking her 81 year old mother (on her birthday, no less) for attempting to give her some paper plates. I guess I'll just have to do what others have to and wait to see if her behaviors get completely out of hand, or dangerous.

[TheRealJongoBong]

And I just noticed that I lost the last 'o' on my user name.

[Cole]

I quite agree with all of you that working on myself is going to have the most effect (for me, especially!).

To quote waverider, "If YOU don't change, things will stay the same."

It is easy to sit back and get mad at that statement, at first. Why should I change? I am not the one who is acting like a 3 year old (good analogy). But then you realize that how you react to your BPD spouse DOES make a difference. Just like you would not give your alcoholic spouse a drink, you cannot give your BPD spouse the drama they crave.

It takes time, but change can be made. When I first found this forum in December we fought all the time and things looked bleak. Here I was, expecting my mentally ill wife to make the changes when I should have taken the lead. But I did not know how or what to do. So, I researched and read and observed how others on this site are doing it. I changed how I react to her and we are making progress. SLOW progress, but progress.  

The point is, it it hard work and you are going to make plenty of mistakes along the way. But if you are serious about helping your spouse and your marriage, you can do it.

[TheRealJongoBong]

The thing I find most interesting is that due to my wife's gaslighting we got into several different kinds of therapies. They actually did a lot of good for me and allowed me to see that I could neither understand nor fix crazy. The more I've stopped buying into her world, the less she's tried to manipulate me. The downside (or upside, I guess it depends on how you look at it) is that now that I'm not supplying her vampirish fixes and being the center of her universe the less she wants to have anything to do with me.

Oh, and during these therapy sessions she was always pretty much "I'm just fine, there are no problems". She's so dark and needy inside it just makes me cringe.

[joshbjoshb]

Hi, and welcome It's no fun here but at least you can be with friends

Let me ask you:

Are YOU happy? Fulfilled? (Not in the marriage sense). Do you feel bad for yourself most of the time?

If the answer is yes, then you have a problem. And your problem is not your wife but yourself.

Sorry for being so blunt but men can handle this... .

You have to become emotionally independent. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about her, feel bad or love her; but you need to make sure that your emotional needs are being fulfilled somewhere else - by having a good life outside marriage.

[ptilda]

And I just noticed that I lost the last 'o' on my user name.

Thought maybe you were refering to your coping mechanism! 

Hang in there and stay active here. It helps. Trust me.

[TheRealJongoBong]

When I met my wife I did it for unhealthy reasons. I'm pretty much over that, though. I would be fine being by myself, which really wasn't true before. I noticed today again that I'm still a little addicted to the action. Hmm... .

[formflier]

I noticed today again that I'm still a little addicted to the action. Hmm... .

Personal insight... .is the first step to personal growth.

Looking forward to hearing more about this...

FF

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi, and welcome It's no fun here but at least you can be with friends

Let me ask you:

Are YOU happy? Fulfilled? (Not in the marriage sense). Do you feel bad for yourself most of the time?

If the answer is yes, then you have a problem. And your problem is not your wife but yourself.

Sorry for being so blunt but men can handle this... .

You have to become emotionally independent. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about her, feel bad or love her; but you need to make sure that your emotional needs are being fulfilled somewhere else - by having a good life outside marriage.

Am I happy and fulfilled? Given the current situation, yes. Do I feel bad all the time? No, only when I let myself get dragged into the drama. Thankfully I've grown enough to avoid that lately. I used to relax around her, thinking she was the idea I married. Now I don't take anything she says at face value.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I noticed today again that I'm still a little addicted to the action. Hmm... .

Personal insight... .is the first step to personal growth.

Looking forward to hearing more about this...

FF

Here's what I wrote on another thread this morning:

It's an addiction, it always was.  They make us feel so good at first, that's the reason we got sucked in to begin with. Then they make us feel so bad that when they come around again and push our feel good buttons it really feels good. Sounds just like alcohol or heroin, eh?

And just like alcohol or heroin, what the BP or NP feeds us is just as empty and hollow. The reason our feel good buttons work to begin with is that we have an emptiness inside that we feel needs to be filled. That's what we need to work on. What is the source of my emptiness? What do I feel if my feel good buttons aren't being pushed? What happened to me a long time ago that makes me feel that way? What judgements did I make about myself back then?

In my case I felt unlovable because way back when I didn't get enough of my mother's attention (I was the last of 5 kids). I had been seeking my mother's love from my romantic partners.