My BPD EX has destroyed me

[Rickybee]

Hi everybody, hoping for some advice, my ex BPD gf has really messed me up, we were together for 4 years and i saw the red flags but chose to stick around and not abandon her, he just used me, at first i couldnt get rid of her she was very forward and charming and got me to move straight in with her, after about a year of being confused of her behaviour she fell pregnant, she told me she was on the pill, she went to the hospital feeling sick and wouldnt let me go with her, she completely cut me off and wouldnt return my calls or text back, i was worried about her, i gave it a few days and went to the hospital to find her laying on a ward refusing to leave unless they gave her an abortion, she looked at me in disgust and was like a different person, she told the nurse "i want this thing dead... .i want it out of me and ill do it myself" i was shocked so i moved my things out of her place and left her after seeing this evil new person, as she was usually overly nice and happy.

She got an abortion and a month later she tried to get back in touch, she had lost a lot of weight as she already had an eating disorder, i told her she had hurt me a lot and that i would be her friend, but as time went on we became together again and i had to learn how to trust her again, her ocd cleaning was out of control and got a bit annoying her trying to control me or being harsh about trivial things, so we would have little tiffs, one time she ran in the kitchen and grabbed a knife and started trying to cut her arms, another time she started head butting a wall, again i was shocked, but stayed around because i was worried about her, she would want me one minute and want me gone the next, all of this crazy behaviour seemed to settle down over time.

She then went to japan to visit her brother for two weeks, towards the end of her holiday she stopped texting me, i had missed her and was looking forward to her return, she got back and didn't get in touch was was more than a bit confusing having told me she had missed me too during the holiday, she had dumped me, two weeks went by and she got back in touch and wanted to make a go of it again, again my trust for her had been hit in a big way, but like a fool i stuck by her and slowly fell back into a relationship, she also would never have sex with me, it was a chore to her and she acted like she didn't enjoy it, she would have to give me oral once a month just to shut me up, i bought her a cat to help her clinical depression, it worked and made her very happy and she seemed to love the cat but not me, i was just in the way and in her space, i was scared to have a shower or use the kitchen as it would mean her cleaning all night, no window for sex ever, i moved out again, but she still wanted mt to be with her, i felt used, but i cared about her and wasnt aware she had this BPD disorder, she said she had hurt me a lot and we should create lots of happy memories and then have kids, confused as ever i slowly fell back into her trap.

We went on lots of holidays and days out bonding and i really thought she had changed and loved me, i thought she seemed more stable so made a go of it, she talked me into moving back in with her and us making a real go of things... i decorated the whole flat and did up all the garden and really gave it a go, all the while the sex was none exisitant but she said she had no labido due to her depression, we shopped for sofas and furniture like a happy couple for a while.

I noticed on her facebook she had been talking to some guy J__ for quite sometime, leaving kissed to each other, when i asked her who it was she said just a friend, i trusted her and thought she would never cheat so ignored it, after a while she said my friend J___ has got me a job interview at his work place, i supported her and dropped her off on her first day and wished her look, she seemed to change towards me then and didn't want to ever spend anytime with me or go anywhere with me, she would sit in the other room all night texting him, all the time saying its just a friend, i felt something wasn't right but just fell into depression and hurt and blanked it.

After about 3 months of her working there she told me she was going out for the weekend with her friend Z__ for a girly night out, i was working all weekend, when she got home she told me she was pissed off with me because i left a plate in the sink, she said she wanted me gone, after all she had put me thru and all the love and support i gave her, i was shocked, i managed to get it out of her that she had spent the weekend and had sex with J___ her work mate, i left and moved my things out, i ignored her and after two days she was begging me back as she was alone in the flat, as soon as i replied she then ignored me, like a fool i started to grovel and beg her back, only to be completely ignored, 4 years over in a flash, she was not even bothered, she left me hanging for a week groveling in texts telling her i still loved her, only to then tell me she is with him and its too late and he is more of a man than ill ever be.

It's not been a month and I'm very depressed, she is now in a relationship with him and moved him into the flat, they work together and live together, and she seems very happy, only weeks before she left me she was talking of mortgage and kids with me, and now i don't exist to her, she has put on facebook a picture of both their shoes on the door mat, as if to say they are happy and together, she did this with me only months ago, she put a picture of mine and her shoes on the mat, now I'm left heart broken shocked and depressed and confused about what had happened to me over the last 4 years, so much confusion trying to figure her out over that time, i kept giving her chance after chance and treated her with love and cared, I've only just realised she has BPD id never heard of it before now, from my observation she has a serious ocd, clinical depression and BPD, very messed up girl, but what really hurts is that towards the end she seemed more stable, so now I'm thinking perhaps i helped her and she is better and he is reaping the rewards after all she put me thru, she was always an attention seeker, she would ditch me in a second if she had a friend to go too, i always felt used and confused, i had a social life and had friends but she had none and was a hermit, i became like her and spent all my time with her in her flat as i didn't want to abandon her, but as soon as she got this new job and met lots of new friends there and started sleeping with this J__ who works there she didn't need me anymore.

So, here i am, broken with no self esteem and very depressed barely functioning, the whole time we were together she would tell me I'm fat and that she doesn't fancy fat people, although i am not fat, but she kept buying my chocolate and wanting me to eat, i guess i was eating a lot out of depression and being to comfortable with her, i don't think she ever loved me, she just wanted a friend and didn't want to be alone, hense her never wanting to have sex hardly and pleasuring me being a chore, it amazes me that she literally got with him whilst still being with me, when i would try to explain my feelings when i was with her it was like talking to a child, she would just shut down, yet she was very cunning and a brilliant liar, she would either be very annoyed and clean all night or she would be very happy and immature, she was very unstable and i never knew what i was gonna get from one day to the next, but towards the end and her starting the new job meeting lots of new friends and a new man she seemed on top of the world and more stable.

It hurts so much to think that she is lapping up all the attention of these new people and new man because its a fresh start and they don't know she is poorly or evil as her charm and fun personality blinds you to it at first, i hope the cracks show and it all fails for her, i can't believe what she has done to me, I've never been so hurt and disrespected in all my life, it feels like the hardest thing I've ever faces and i worry it has effected my mental health as i cant stop thinking about her and all we did together, we were so close, and now i don't even exist, 4 years, all the memories, good and bad, that's the tip of the ice berg but any advice would be great to hear, thanks in advance

[Pretty Woman]

Ricky,

  I know how hard this is... .I understand your pain.

I am not far removed from my relationship with an uBPDex but I have been on and off this site for three years... .through several recycles.

This time I was completely replaced and discarded.

Thank you for sharing your story. Just reading the first two paragraphs... .I know you are not removed mentally from this woman yet... .that will take time... .but WOW she aborted your baby. She was texting someone else behind your back... .

It comes down to this... .whether it works with the new schmo or not... .

Do you really want a person like this? I know how you feel... .I miss the good times. All I have to do is come back to this forum and read my past posts... .the red flags I listed. This person is highly damaged and unstable.

My dream: Spouse, kids, house... .two pups in the yard. A wonderful marriage with trust, passion, compassion, loyalty.

What I got (or lost)... .three childbearing years (I will be forty in November). I weas cheated on three times (that I know of) in the relationship. Actually she dumped me when she hooked them so she could say we weren't together and she wasn't cheating... .

I got spit on and dragged by my hair. I missed two Christmases, Two Thanksgivings and two Halloweens in three years because I got dumped before them and was in a state of depression.

I was constantly told this was my fault and she didn't trust ME.

I was faithful, loving and honest. I still am. She is not capable.

These relationships are so addicting. They really are like narcotics. We deserve so much better.

Please do not try to convince yourself the new guy is getting a better deal. A leopard doesn't change his spots my friend.

Work on recovery and getting you back. The person you were before this mess.  Reconnect with people you neglected because you were caught up in this chaos.

Reclaim your life. 

PW

[Pretty Woman]

Ricky,

  I forgot to add... .

Do not beat yourself up over the thinking you could have done more.

My ex's ex before me was a prison psychologist and she could not help our ex.  Educated on this or not, the results are still the same. Even if she got help now... .in the form of core therapy... .not going to your run of the mill therapist... .it takes years. We are talking 7-10 years of hard core therapy for them to DEAL with this. There is no cure. This is strictly to help them cope.  Many do not stay in therapy.

Look at the statistics.  I know they are out there on the net. There are people who stay in these relationships and even then... .the common thing you will read is: Run! They wished they got out and not they are tied to these women because of their children. Many are emotionally, physically and financially ruined.

When I was contemplating marriage with my ex I kept thinking... .there was no way I was going into this without a locked down pre-nuptial agreement.  Right there speaks volumes. Also the fact I hid all the knives in the house after she attacked and spit on me once.

What kind of a relationship is that? A crazy one.

And as far as the "fat" comments and force feeding you... .they really prey on your self esteem. I just lost 80lbs. I feel so good physically and am getting some attention.

She did NOT like that.

New GF is 350lbs and extremely insecure. They look for people they can control.

[CharWood]

I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. I myself have just come out of a 4 year relationship with a BPD ex. I find that, no matter how good things are going in your life together, the BPD always has to have that extra attention... .you could be painted to black for no valid reason... it could be something completely blown out of proportion you did like look at her in a certain way... .my BPD ex was constantly doing this and when her impulsive behaviors came in to play, I was constantly getting more and more frustrated; thus, she would paint me straight to black rather than agree to cooperate with me and sit down and talk about it. BPDs will never communicate with you: it is always you who are wrong, it is always you that has the problem, if you point something out that needs to be addressed you are controlling... .then they shut down and go seek another source of supply/attention behind your back.  It is absolutely insane how devoid of compassion, sympathy, emotion and human connection BPDs are. I have been cast aside like garbage after 4 years and my ex did that within a week. It is a long story but rather than take the ultimatum of getting counseling and cutting her crazyness out, she opted to take her stuff from our home and leave me... .all within a week. And, just 2 weeks prior, was talking about how I am the love of her life and she cannot wait to move into a new home and start a family with me... .for the past 3 weeks she has been in and out of my life, only contacting me on her terms. She does not seem to want to recycle me... .rather use me for attention or advice on how to handle her problems and life.

I have been recycled one time. And, that is largely my fault because I bought into her phony excuses and promises and believed she could change. She was able to sustain her good behavior for about a year until she went further off the deep end than she has ever gone before... .much worse than the last breakup.  I know it seems like we have the crap end of the stick in this, but believe me, the borderline has it much worse.  Borderlines cannot function at a high level most of the time... .for instant, my ex has recently made huge purchases and put herself in debt within a matter of 2 weeks since leaving, she has a really low paying job (since she let her crazy mom, who is also borderline, talk her into quitting the old one) and she has been using a former coworker for a free place to live but this lady has since informed her she has 2 months to leave... .now she cannot find an apartment she can afford, has a lot of bills, and is basically screwed. Unless she finds someone stupid enough to fall for her stuff, she will be back out of state to her moms in no time. I do not feel like she will come back and charm me this time, unless of course she is very desperate and her other plans fall through. See. Don't ever be with someone just because you are comfortable living in the chaos now and are afraid of a change and being alone. Being alone is far better than dealing with someone who uses you as an option and caretaker... .It hurts. But it will just take time. I think the hardest thing to struggle with is realizing that all of those good times... .all of those tender moments... .was just a ruse by the borderline. It is difficult to stomach the fact that you spent all this time investing in someone who never really cared about you at all and was using you pretty much the whole time. my borderline really has it bad this time... .we moved here to FL, to my hometown, basically to put distance between her mom and us and start a life... .she has no real friends here. All of here friends and family are back out of state. During the last breakup, she left and was able to stay at moms and had a whole network of people she could use and shakeup... .she was more comfortable. It took her a month to come back groveling... .this time, it has been over a month. And she is currently giving me the silent treatment since last Friday when I called her out on some selfish behavior... .No telling what they will do or what will happen because they are so unpredictable... .and their emotions and thought patterns are so unstable... .she will do this where she ignores me for a couple of days and then pops up again like nothing happened with a "help me- give me advice - poor me - im lost" kind of question via text. At some point, you just have to stop the insanity.

[Pretty Woman]

Char Wood is right,

  There is no such thing as communication with a BPD at least not when it comes to their feelings.

I had no idea my ex was unhappy until she was dumping me for someone else. I'd try to rationalize with her... .talk to her in that moment and once there is someone else... .there was no talking about anything... .you are now the enemy... .youve entered the darkness because the new person is painted white and there is no inbetween.

Think of conversations you had with your ex. Were they ever deep? Did he/she share her goals, dreams and desires? Did they tell you about their favorite vacations, favorite color... .all those things most people know about their significant other?

There is soo much I don't know about my ex... .other than stories about... .

her other exes. When that is ALL anyone can tell you about upon meeting... .stories about their horrible, abusive exes... .

Huge   !

[seang]

Wow, thats some b___!  horrific, and i truly feel for you man.  Bpd or not, thats some heartless crap right there.

If its any help, this new jerk is probably Bpd or Narc himself.  They seem to set each other alight for some reason.  Tbh i wouldnt give it long anyway.  And she'll probably be back chasing you.  You seem like a nice guy, maybe wanting to help, etc.  A caregiver.  :)ont fret mate, these people seem to seek the vulnerable to their actions out without effort...

Stay strong mate, as Im trying to, and count your blessings you dodged a bullet!

Find someone who deserves you.  

[gameover]

Hey Bud,

Sorry for everything you're going through.  You have a huge heart and that's awesome.

One thing I couldn't help but notice is throughout your post you mention her happiness, her stability, her actions.  What about you?

Why is her happiness more important than your own?  You added value to her life, but what value did she add to yours?  Sex?  Not really.  Closeness?  When she felt like it.  Support?  Yeah... . 

It's time to make a place in your heart for yourself, a place that no one else can ever take from you.

Those memories, those are yours.  You don't need her to share those with you.  You don't need her to comfort you, to understand you, to even appreciate you.

One thing that really helped me in the early days after the b/u was mindful meditation.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM  Focus on getting in touch with you.  Conjure up the feelings of love you had for her and direct them towards yourself.  Visualize the type of life you want for YOU.  Tell yourself you're self confident, independent, worthy.  It may seem kinda out there (I was hella skeptical) but it really does help.

All the best Ricky.  You got this.

[sas1729]

Hey mate,

I thought about what to say at first in my reply. And I kept coming back to this. As weird as it sounds right now, I think you should be proud of yourself for leaving in the end.

Many others here have replied talking about BPD traits and how hurtful these actions are. I agree, and I think that you should also recognize that you did a brave thing. You stood up for yourself. Have you ever seen Star Trek First Contact the movie? There's a scene in it where one of the characters is trying to convince Picard to blow up the Enterprise since the Borgs have infiltrated. Then they'd retreat to Earth. Picard loses it. He smashes his display case and says, no no no, we always retreat. The line must be drawn here!

Well, you drew that line. Enough is enough. You are clearly a compassionate person who entered the relationship four years ago with your own life and friends. You are someone who would bring something positive and nurturing to a healthy relationship. This was not a healthy relationship.

At this point you can take some solace in the fact that your ex has BPD and that her behaviour was not your fault. Your story proves that you tried to do everything. But you can't be living in fear. My therapist once told me that I have three choices in a situation like this, where logic doesn't really exist. I could

1. Go crazy.

2. Laugh.

3. Leave.

Well, I did go crazy. And there were times when I even laughed at the situation. Dark humour. But I knew that I would have to leave, and eventually I stood up for myself. You did the same, and that's the final bit of evidence that you need. Not only are you compassionate and thoughtful, but you are also brave. This ordeal proves that you can take care of yourself. It hurts now, I know. When the hurt stops, and it will, you will emerge as a stronger person. So someday when the right person comes along, you will not grovel. You will stand on your own two feet and give to the relationship in equal measure as you get back. That will be so incredibly rewarding. The nightmare of the past four years is over. It's over.

Right now just focus on yourself. Get your friends together again. If they know you over the relationship they must have seen how you changed. pwBPD have the power to mold us into what they want through manipulation. Idealization is part of that manipulation. No one is perfect and I think part of true love is respecting that fact, and in turn making a real attempt to work through problems.

So for now my advice is the same as many would give and sounds futile and trite. Spend time on yourself. Get together with your friends. Buy yourself a gift. Return to an old hobby or find a new one. You know, when I finally broke up I used the money originally meant for my ex's Christmas gift on myself. It felt great. It was almost symbolic - I finally stopped giving and did something for myself. It's your turn to do something for yourself.

The nightmare is over and now you have freedom. It hurts, I know, but you will power through this because you are strong. You've proven it when you stood up for yourself.

[soar]

I'm sorry to hear your story, you remind me of myself. I know all the pain you feel. You give everything to someone, only to get sh*t on. There are no words to describe how shocking and painful it is.

I want to say that I don't believe she will have changed and sadly her new fella will be destined to the same fate as you. BPD is not something someone can control, it controls them.

Keep talking to people on here about your experience, it will help you not feel so isolated. All the best to you.

[Rickybee]

Thank you everybody for the replies and kind words, I hope to get through this but my confidence and self esteem are really bad atm, it is crushing me that 4 years and all our memories mean nothing to her, all the places we went together, i can't go anywhere without thinking about her and when we went there together, but ultimately she shown her evil colours again and did the ultimate betrayal so i had to leave, it took her two days before she was in a relationsip with her work buddy, amazing, beyond confusing, she painted me blacker than black, when i left after the abortion or more the evil way in which she conducted herself i should have stayed gone, but felt sorry for her, big mistake, so many red flags i choose to ignore, i guess deep down i just wanted to settle down and have a family after being single for about 5 years, she came a long like a breath of fresh air, totaly seduced me and seemed perfect, it wasnt untill i moved in with her it all came out, the ocd cleaning and controlling, the depression and mood swings, a diff person one day to the next, but i think i stayed around because she had a very immature cute fun side and would be silly and fun and overly happy at times, it was infectious, mania? and other times her face would change and look angry, she would take it out on the cleaning and bash around with the charm for hours, and of boy if she forget or on purpose forgot to take her meds, it was like seeing satan himself, a true evil person, she is relishing in lots of attention atm from all the people at her new work place and new man as i said, they dont know her so she can be whoever she wants to be, it seems like attention is all that matters to her and she will lie compulsivly and distort truth to get attention from whoever she can, funny really, she desperately needed me when she had burned bridges with all her old friends, she liteally had one friend when i met her, her mum is BPD too i think, very evil team, i now believe her mum talked my ex into to getting me to move in the last time so i could help with half the rent and bills and take the pressure of her mums credit card a bit, sickening really, she treated me like a lodger and a nusense, yet happily wachted me put lots of diy work in, i made the place beuatiful for her to make her happy, made the garden lovely for the summer, all this time she was having an affair at work and via text, i was planning out holiday the the night she left to stay at this guys house behind my back, she texted me said she is typsy and going to crash and told me she loved me :s beyond shocked by the cruelty tbh, ill save all the details but i never knew a human would be capable of such evil to somebody who loved them, i believe that once the honey moon period is over and they have been living together a while the cracks will show, she cant have anybody living in her space it flips her out, her ocd cleaning and controlling gets out of hand, and unless he is a sucker like i was he will surly run a mile, after all he is a good looking bloke and in a band and has a social life, perhaps she will be overly jealous about him like she was me in the early stages of our relationship, its strange i could have loved somebody who is capable of such lies and treachory, i recently found out she put one of her many exs in the mental hospital, she accused him of attempted murder and had him locked up, i believe he had issues anyway but by the time she was done with him he was in full time treatment, the others i believe ran a mile from her, wow, this poor dude dont know whats coming, or maybe she is more stable now and it will work, i hope not, i know she is crazy about him and feels lucky to have bagged him, i guess i just wanted the pleasure of her crawling back begging so i can have the last say and tell her where to go, but i know she could never face what she has done to me, she has fully shown her evil and cut me off dead, and painted me black or as it seems completely forgot i exsist, only when she prolly tells lies about me for attention, im rambling a bit i could go on for hours there is so much deceit and harshness about how she did it, when she finally told me she had cheated and was with somebody else, she couldnt even look at me, she tried to pretend to be upset, the cat then jumped on her lap and her face changed from sad to happy in a split second, she then said im going to lie down i feel ill from being drunk with james last night... amazing, i sat there gobsmacked having thought we had a future together, as i said i left and got my things out the next day whilst she was at work, she came home to see my things gone, begged me back, when i replied went silent, i begged some more and started to miss her, still silent, a week later " really like james and making a go of it" and he is more of a man than you will ever be , im repeating myself ill stop there, anyway thank everybody for hearing my story, its felt good to air some of it, im living back at my folks, its been a month and ive no even unpacked yet, barely managing to function at work and started taking anti depressants, looking at getting some therapy too as im constantly thinking about all this, i guess its trauma, ill get there thanks you everybody

[Rickybee]

PS Ps i'm equally sorry to hear of your personal experiences with BPD, im glad i found this site as reading more about this and peoples situations is helping me a bit, this chump just walked into a landmine and dont know it yet, thats his karma