Little breakthroughs

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A while back I think I posted something about an experience where my mother visited my apartment and verbally demolished it to me, telling me it was disgusting, and she couldn't bear that I would live in a place like this. Frankly, I actually really enjoyed my home and still do, but after she left I felt so truly awful about myself, the choices I had made, and I wondered if truly I lived in a hole but couldn't see it for it's disgustingness.  I felt dirty. Really, I had to go take a shower.  Well... .enter airbnb.  I rented out my apartment for a weekend.  This is a very very small thing, but someone incredibly kind stayed at my apartment and left one of the most wonderful reviews I have ever read on the site.  I just couldn't believe it.  I almost want to cry at the thought of it.  Why? Because it confirms to me what I think is right (my home) and what I think is wrong (my mother).  In a way I am sad, because I wasted so much of my life believing what my mother told me: essentially that I was and am an awful failure, who can't see what a terrible person I am because people won't dare tell me, but they all say it behind my back.  She is incredibly poisonous.  And I'm so sad that she is this way.  I have also increasingly been starting to see how much I sell my self short.  I don't recognize my talents, or respect my experience and abilities.  I endlessly underestimate myself, and recently have taken jobs that are very much below me - as a result I have been very unhappy in them.

 

I am working on owning my strengths, not just my weaknesses.  It is not an easy thing for me to do.  I have sold myself so incredibly short for my ENTIRE life. It frightens me that had I not had a sort of "awakening" as a result of meeting my BPDex, I would probably continue to short sell myself.  It's frightening.  But it's also frightening to ask for better, from my friends, from my jobs, from my family... .and eventually from a relationship. 

Anyone else had the experience of finally having the FOG clearing?  I kind of want to cry because I think I've been living in it my whole life.  From the very beginning, any talent, any strength that I might have had was attacked and my character destroyed.  I would love to hear how others, if others, have experienced what I'm going through.  Of course, these things come in waves. 

One day, I was sitting in a class I am taking, and I felt as though clouds lifted in my mind.  I suddenly felt strong, and self assured, and confident in myself.  I felt that all the uncertainty I felt about my life, my relationships, my jobs, well... .it didn't matter because I trusted that no matter what I invested myself into, I would succeed.  So? All I had to do was make a choice.  It was a very strange vision.  Weirdly, my BPD ex was in this vision.  My mind said to me: if you want him, all you have to do is get him. It's just your choice.  Perhaps that was my mind referring to any romantic relationship.  Anyway, since then self doubt etc. have come back, since that was just a moment of the clouds clearing.  But it's like, the clouds cleared and I saw the summit. They have since closed again, but I now know that the summit is there.  It was a very weird vision, or feeling, or whatever.  But it was very powerful.

[caughtnreleased]

A while back I think I posted something about an experience where my mother visited my apartment and verbally demolished it to me, telling me it was disgusting, and she couldn't bear that I would live in a place like this. Frankly, I actually really enjoyed my home and still do, but after she left I felt so truly awful about myself, the choices I had made, and I wondered if truly I lived in a hole but couldn't see it for it's disgustingness.  I felt dirty. Really, I had to go take a shower.  Well... .enter airbnb.  I rented out my apartment for a weekend.  This is a very very small thing, but someone incredibly kind stayed at my apartment and left one of the most wonderful reviews I have ever read on the site.  I just couldn't believe it.  I almost want to cry at the thought of it.  Why? Because it confirms to me what I think is right (my home) and what I think is wrong (my mother).  In a way I am sad, because I wasted so much of my life believing what my mother told me: essentially that I was and am an awful failure, who can't see what a terrible person I am because people won't dare tell me, but they all say it behind my back.  She is incredibly poisonous.  And I'm so sad that she is this way.  I have also increasingly been starting to see how much I sell my self short.  I don't recognize my talents, or respect my experience and abilities.  I endlessly underestimate myself, and recently have taken jobs that are very much below me - as a result I have been very unhappy in them.

 

I am working on owning my strengths, not just my weaknesses.  It is not an easy thing for me to do.  I have sold myself so incredibly short for my ENTIRE life. It frightens me that had I not had a sort of "awakening" as a result of meeting my BPDex, I would probably continue to short sell myself.  It's frightening.  But it's also frightening to ask for better, from my friends, from my jobs, from my family... .and eventually from a relationship. 

Anyone else had the experience of finally having the FOG clearing?  I kind of want to cry because I think I've been living in it my whole life.  From the very beginning, any talent, any strength that I might have had was attacked and my character destroyed.  I would love to hear how others, if others, have experienced what I'm going through.  Of course, these things come in waves. 

One day, I was sitting in a class I am taking, and I felt as though clouds lifted in my mind.  I suddenly felt strong, and self assured, and confident in myself.  I felt that all the uncertainty I felt about my life, my relationships, my jobs, well... .it didn't matter because I trusted that no matter what I invested myself into, I would succeed.  So? All I had to do was make a choice.  It was a very strange vision.  Weirdly, my BPD ex was in this vision.  My mind said to me: if you want him, all you have to do is get him. It's just your choice.  Perhaps that was my mind referring to any romantic relationship.  Anyway, since then self doubt etc. have come back, since that was just a moment of the clouds clearing.  But it's like, the clouds cleared and I saw the summit. They have since closed again, but I now know that the summit is there.  It was a very weird vision, or feeling, or whatever.  But it was very powerful.

[joeramabeme]

caughtnreleased.  Good post.  I identify with the feelings of being stuck in this thinking for your entire life and having moments of clarity about the truth of who I really am.  That truth is far different than what I was told and taught.

I am not promoting anything here but wanted to tell you about something I have been relying upon to stop me from going down into the cellar of my mind and bringing me up to right size; healthy, happy and positive.  I listen to Joel Osteen, he is a pastor and I know that religion is a very touchy subject.  However, I find that he is an extremely positive person with an incredibly strong message that is exactly what I need to hear when I am in the dumps from all this.  His messages are not so much about religion and being right and wrong as reminding ourselves about are worth as human beings on this planet and in this universe. 

There is one sermon that I have listened to, no exaggeration, 100+ times.  The topic is about deleting negative thoughts from our minds.  Not sure if it is permissible to place a link to You Tube but if you google "joel osteen delete button" it is the top result.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Joeramabeme,

While I consider myself to be spiritual, I am not religious for a whole number of reasons.  I can understand the appeal of religion on these issues, and I'm sure it does help a number of people. 

Thanks.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Joeramabeme,

While I consider myself to be spiritual, I am not religious for a whole number of reasons.  I can understand the appeal of religion on these issues, and I'm sure it does help a number of people. 

Thanks.

Understand completely, and nor am I religious - but deeply spiritual. 

Thanks for posting and replying. 

As a secondary thought, more spiritually - non religious focused, I also write out daily affirmations about what I want to reaffirm in my life and about who I am.  For example, "I trust my intuition, it is reliable".  I write this one because I often do not listen to my intuition.  I write it out and repeat it 10 times first thing in the morning.  Sounds kind of corny I know, but it is like planting a seed in the mind, the more you focus on it the more it grows.  I have found that it works.  When I am in doubt about something the thought just kind of pops up, I trust my intuition, and then I ask myself what is my intuition about XYZ.  It has worked for me... .

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you ! That is really good advice.  On that front I am struggling between recognizing and listening to my reluctance to embrace change, and my intuition. For example, I have the possibility of a pretty big life change from a career perspective, and I am feeling a lot of resistance towards it.  Perhaps one would say my intuition tells me that I want something else a bit different from what is being offered, but perhaps that is just me resisting change towards something better than what I have.  if I think about turning down this opportunity, there are so many things inside me shouting that this is maybe the best thing that I can get... .that it's my big chance and I shouldn't turn it down... .I'm really struggling and don't know how to differentiate between listening to my intuition, and being able to tell what is intuition and what is simple resistance to change.