So I left the Bpd,took our 3 month old baby with me at the time.

[Scarlettrose]

So I was in a very sweep me off my feet relationship with a BPD. I got pregnant very quickly. Part of me thinks he did that on purpose. I knew him for years before.  Not very well though.  He had been in a serious relationship for 9 years before me. She cheated and left him. We quickly progressed months later.  Like I said I was swept of my feet.

Now it gets tricky.  5 months into my pregnancy he needed rehab for doing heavy drugs. He got caught and promised to better himself for our unborn child and our future. After Rehab, he kept no promises and didn't go to a consular. At this time he wasn't diagnosed yet. I just  thought he was BP along with his BPD mother.  I knew he was more than bipolar after doing a ton of reading. So I have our baby. The relationship gets more controlling and emotional abusive. A couple  months go by. He decided to go seek a consular. Notheless was diagnosed with BPD. The constantly messing with his meds, the assertion of control,  and the focus on me constantly finally ran me out the door. I left without notice for fear he would get physical like he started to do.

Well that was almost 3 months ago.

Now we have had a pretty nasty court battle for custody of our child. That has been over a whopping 3 days.  He has continued seeing his consular,I started seeing one to learn to co parent with him and set boundaries.

Now the kicker. 

The night before court trying to avoid slaughtering each other we decided to do an agreed order.  His attorney couldn't finish it due to other trails,  mine couldn't format the already written part before he left office. So me and the BPD decided to meet and finish it ourselves. We where together for hours trying to reformat it and get it printed. Well that night my boundaries went out the window.  I let him get to close. He tells me he wants me back and wants to work on himself with his consular and try to make it work. I tell him I'm not sure. We can't move quickly. He can't get so immersed in me that be loses sight of himself. I have no clue if this is healthy,smart,  or what. But I'm a very independent person. And have no problem being alone. I enjoy coming home to just myself and two children.(im adding that because a lot I read accuses the non BPD of being codependent of the BPD)But as much as I hated him and vise versa the love we have shined through.  Now he had me considering getting back with him after some time. He wanted a label on "us" but avoided that. I told myself if I left that was it. He claims it was best,he isn't mad at me and it have him a wake up call.

Now we have court.

So it's court day. This day goes easy as planned.  Due to lack of sleep from night before (we both had 3 hours)  I let him nap at my home before I go get our child. He wants to talk some more about getting back in a year. Ask me the closure questions of our relationship he needed to ask.  I answer then he says he needs to tell me something.  So I'm ready. He informs me he relapsed before I had our child and after.  Did two very very hard drugs. One was what he went to rehab for the other one he hasn't touched in 6 years. Well this actually helps explain why the last months where so crazy. But it also hurts me. He lied to my face alot. I feel very betrayed. So now I have to give our 6 month old to him for his visitation. I ask will be take a drug test. (I had them after his time in rehab to make sure he was clean) He was. So I let him go with our son. 

Now I head to my celebratory weekend with my friends because court is over. I can now breathe. It's hard for me to not think about all this celebrating. I feel stupid for thinking of giving him another chance.  And very betrayed because of his drug use behind my back. So I'm not sure what direction I'm going now. I think I could forgive him. He needs to forgive me for what he proceed I said to the courts. He doesn't see his control,manipulation, or the emotional abuse it caused. To him he loves me and if I would just do what he wants the relationship would be perfect. That's what I want him to see. That a BPD view of how a relationship works isn't the "norm ".

I don't know what I'm asking.

I'm very confused. I do understand what I want from him is alot to ask. I want to know a BPD can learn about themselves and understand a non BPD point if view. He is very willing to work in himself. I know a one sided conversation with his therapist may not be enough though. He may need help to recover. I have two children and taking on helping him I know is draining. I have been there before. I'm hoping living separately will help.

Sorry this is a jumbled mess. Just had to put a nutshell of my story out there. I feel alone. My friends think I'm crazy for considering taking him back even if it's slow with no labels.  I know he loves me. I love him. The way he shows love isn't the same way I show love. The black and white thinking is hard to deal with. The I have to show him constantly he can trust me isn't something I'm ready to deal with either. Amy input or advice will be greatly appreciated. If you feel like I haven't giving enough of my story and need more to help just ask. 

:'(

[TheRealJongoBong]

Scarlettrose, that is a hard story. You must be under a lot of stress and anxiety going through all of this. You made a decision to get a divorce from this man and used sound reasoning to arrive at it. Now that you are closer to the end point you find out that not only were you correct about your husband's past behavior, he is still doing exactly what he was doing before and lying to you about it. He says he is going to therapy but it sounds like you have doubts was to whether he is just going or actually IN therapy.

If I were in your shoes I would stick to my first plan and do not stay involved with him. You will probably have some contact with him because of your children, so you can monitor his behavior and actions. If you still feel like you need more from him in a year's time then you can make adjustments. Just don't do it yet. Give yourself some time to become one with yourself before you make a decision like this. Stay strong!

[Scarlettrose]

Thanks for your response therealjongobong. I'm just really hoping when he goes see his therapist tomorrow he will understand he can't push this issue. He needs to let it go.  He will never get the lesson he needs if I just let him jump back into it.  I'm the mother of his only child. If he wants to be a family he is the one that needs to take some serious actions. I'm feel like a lunatic for even considering this. I know nows not the time.  Him asking me for a commitment is unfair to me. His consular says he should wait 6 months to a year for a relationship. It's only been 3 months.  I'm trying to stay off the rollarcoaster ride of him.  Can't wait to see my therapist. Can't space this for some reason on my phone.  But court is over.  Agreed order has been signed since Friday.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Good for you! Best wishes