Why do people with BPD "minded"?

[Pina colada]

I have read many posts and articles here regarding BPD and NPD.  I have learned much from the many wise people here.  I have one question that I can not figure out.  I have a sibling with BPD and that person "mind reads".  What I mean by that is they tell others how I felt and feel, what I think about things etc.  My sib could not be farther off when they share a version of my stories, gets information wrong etc.  I am in a good place lately.  I have learned to ignore.  Every once in a while, my father or someone else will share a story that catches me off guard.  Anyone else dealing with the mind reading issue?  I will focus on ignoring the next time it happens. 

[Deb]

My dBPD sister does this. Also some ex=friends, who I suspect are BPD or NPD. I was at a loss tryinng to figure out why until someone suggested I read a book called "Controlling People". It explained how some people can't (as in don't have the ability) to see another person as anything other than someone who thinks/feels/believes what they project on to them. The author explained how they see people as something like a teddy bear. You know how children will have a doll or a stuffed toy and they will say "Teddy" or ":)olly" feels this way etc? Well, that's kinda how some people see their friends and family. And if that family member/friend expresses a different point of view, they are puzzled, or even angered.

I remember one time my sister was telling some friends and I about someone she had met and that this person believed "just like we do." And I remember thinking "You have no clue what I believe." And one ex-friend became enraged when I expressed an opinion differing from hers. It was like I instantly became the enemy!

Anyway, if you get a chance, read that book, I found it eye opening.

[Pina colada]

I will look for that book.  I guess it is control and my sib has big time control issues, she always had.  Thank you!

[mstnghu]

My wife is constantly telling me or others how I think or feel about things. She's usually completely wrong too. Usually the things she says about me actually apply to her and not me at all. I try to not let it get to me and I'll basically just say something to her like "What you're saying isn't true. I don't think/feel that way at all. You're not me so you have no way to know what I'm thinking/feeling right now. Stop making assumptions." Just the other day she was telling me what a negative person I am and how I'm such a downer to be around. I don't consider myself to be a negative person at all. Ironically, my wife is the one who's always complaining about everything in her life and constantly having a case of the "poor me's".

Really, there's not much else I can do about it. She'll just keep doing it no matter what. She doesn't just do it to me either. Every time we get in a fight, she likes to tell me just how everybody else feels about me and what they think about who I am. She tries to make it seem like everybody else sees what a terrible person I am just like she does. Of course, I know it's not true because I know that apart from whatever she may tell her family and friends about me, they actually like me.

[TheRealJongoBong]

My wife also mind reads. In the past if I told her how I felt about something she would say "No you don't, you're feeling this... .". It's definitely a control method to keep you in "the zone". Needless to say I don't usually share my feelings anymore, and if she tries that trick I put her words into the same garbage bin that most of them go into.

[Leaving]

Glad you mentioned this ' mind-reading' because both my NBPD husband and his father do this.  Deb's response really explains it well!  Thanks to Deb I have a new perspective on their projection.  See, I always read that it's common for passive-aggressive people like my husband to assume that everyone is and should be reading their mind, knowing their needs, etc... .but now I see how it was my husband projecting onto me.  Right after we got married, I noticed that he would NEVER EVER get me anything I asked for but instead got what HE wanted or liked and then when I would seem puzzled or disappointed, he would get so angry at me and tell me that I was selfish and ungrateful.  In truth, it is he who is always selfish and ungrateful.  If I needed tomatoes from the store, he would buy me oranges instead and then tell me that he thought I would prefer them instead.  Years and years of this has driven me crazy at times!   My father in law always says ( about his wife) ' she doesn't like that, she only likes this'  I was teaching my MIL how to use my laptop and Nook once and he became very anxious and defensive and said, ' OH, she doesn't like those, she only likes REAL books' and I ignored him and kept right on teaching her.  It really IS about control.  I see that very clearly now.

[Deb]

Glad you mentioned this ' mind-reading' because both my NBPD husband and his father do this.  :)eb's response really explains it well!  Thanks to Deb I have a new perspective on their projection.  See, I always read that it's common for passive-aggressive people like my husband to assume that everyone is and should be reading their mind, knowing their needs, etc... .but now I see how it was my husband projecting onto me. Right after we got married, I noticed that he would NEVER EVER get me anything I asked for but instead got what HE wanted or liked and then when I would seem puzzled or disappointed, he would get so angry at me and tell me that I was selfish and ungrateful.  In truth, it is he who is always selfish and ungrateful.  If I needed tomatoes from the store, he would buy me oranges instead and then tell me that he thought I would prefer them instead.  Years and years of this has driven me crazy at times!   My father in law always says ( about his wife) ' she doesn't like that, she only likes this'  I was teaching my MIL how to use my laptop and Nook once and he became very anxious and defensive and said, ' OH, she doesn't like those, she only likes REAL books' and I ignored him and kept right on teaching her.  It really IS about control.  I see that very clearly now.

This reminded me of something. When my sister and I were young, our grandmother gave us an old treddle sewing machine. I LOVED it! Learned to sew on it. When our mother and I moved to a different city, my sister took it as she was married and had a large house. When she was getting divorced, I asked her about that sewing machine and she said that she gave it away! Never asked me about that, just did it. WHen I asked why she didn't let me know, she said "Oh, you didn't want it, it was heavy and old." WHAT?   Yes I did want it. When I said that I had wanted it she just shook her head and said "No you didn't?    Now I understand thaty since SHE didn't want it, she assumed I wouldn't want it either.

[Panda39]

I'm reading a book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride and just came across this and it made me think of this post/thread... .

PROJECTION

Projection is best understood as a process by which a person takes her own emotions and sees them as coming from someone else, believing that the other person actually originated those emotions.  People do this when they are not dealing with their own turmoil.  Daughters of narcissistic mothers are generally scapegoats for their mother's projections, including fragile ego and self-loathing.  The daughter doesn't understand this hatred and internalizes it so that she feels that she is bad or not good enough.  Because this begins for the daughter at such a young age it feels normal and real... .

So as others have already mentioned maybe not mind reading but projection.

[TheRealJongoBong]

PROJECTION

Projection is best understood as a process by which a person takes her own emotions and sees them as coming from someone else, believing that the other person actually originated those emotions.  People do this when they are not dealing with their own turmoil.  Daughters of narcissistic mothers are generally scapegoats for their mother's projections, including fragile ego and self-loathing.  The daughter doesn't understand this hatred and internalizes it so that she feels that she is bad or not good enough.  Because this begins for the daughter at such a young age it feels normal and real... .

So as others have already mentioned maybe not mind reading but projection.

This is so true for my BPDw.  She has been having serious anger issues lately (which is not new) and blames me as the cause of them.  In the past she has blamed her sister, her mother, her father, her boss. It's very rare (but sometimes happens, briefly) that she realizes it's her problem. The mind reading could be easily understood as projection also. Since she has no boundaries and thinks everything is happening to her, it would make perfect sense that she doesn't see other people as separate with separate thoughts. So if someone says or does something she disagrees with, she has to try to correct it because she does not see it as separate from herself.