Painted Black by my BPDEx. Why? So confused... he cheated... and worse.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all,

First, I have to say that this site has been an invaluable resource for me going through a breakup with a BPD person. I didn't understand the disorder to the extent I do now and am so happy to have such an amazing support team. I truly thank you for sharing your stories, which is hard! 

My ex and I were together 3 years. We broke up once for 3 months then got back together. LOONG story short, he moved to my home state to be with me and we purchased a home together.

5 months after purchasing the home and having an over the top party he said we wouldn't work out... .he was unhappy and I was never going to "love him enough" or "cherish him". This was so far from the truth as I gave him everything he wanted both materially and emotionally. The kid left me empty in my bank account and my heart.

He moved on and was professing his undying love for my replacement in one week after the breakup. The problem is (my ex and I are both 27) his replacement is a 17 year old who is starting his senior year in high school this week. It makes me sick. 

He bought our home from me beginning of July. He called me after and was bawling on the phone for 20 minutes telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he will hate himself forever for not working it out with me, etc.

Then I tried to be nice but I couldnt help but tell him his actions with the high schooler were not right. He said it was "nothing" and he was ending it... .WRONG! He bought the kid a diamond ring (something I did for him because he wanted that so badly... .) and they are always together.

I just recently ran into him (he DOES still live in my homestate... .) and I said hello... .he told my friends he missed them and I emailed him later asking if he had a few minutes to talk. (he blocked my cell phone)

He replied "nope, we have nothing to talk about sorry... .please please please tell your friends I miss them and your grandmother and uncle as those are the only things i miss from our realtionship" I am not sure why I have been painted black right now? Why is he so angry with me? I never cheated, I am not parading around with other people... .is this a temporary thing because he knows I know his true self?

Any advice would be great. I was N/C for 5 weeks but we did need to settle an insurance thing last week and he was nice to me, even saying he thinks about me and now this... .

Thank you.

[range4days]

Hello all,

First, I have to say that this site has been an invaluable resource for me going through a breakup with a BPD person. I didn't understand the disorder to the extent I do now and am so happy to have such an amazing support team. I truly thank you for sharing your stories, which is hard! 

My ex and I were together 3 years. We broke up once for 3 months then got back together. LOONG story short, he moved to my home state to be with me and we purchased a home together.

5 months after purchasing the home and having an over the top party he said we wouldn't work out... .he was unhappy and I was never going to "love him enough" or "cherish him". This was so far from the truth as I gave him everything he wanted both materially and emotionally. The kid left me empty in my bank account and my heart.

He moved on and was professing his undying love for my replacement in one week after the breakup. The problem is (my ex and I are both 27) his replacement is a 17 year old who is starting his senior year in high school this week. It makes me sick. 

He bought our home from me beginning of July. He called me after and was bawling on the phone for 20 minutes telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he will hate himself forever for not working it out with me, etc.

Then I tried to be nice but I couldnt help but tell him his actions with the high schooler were not right. He said it was "nothing" and he was ending it... .WRONG! He bought the kid a diamond ring (something I did for him because he wanted that so badly... .) and they are always together.

I just recently ran into him (he DOES still live in my homestate... .) and I said hello... .he told my friends he missed them and I emailed him later asking if he had a few minutes to talk. (he blocked my cell phone)

He replied "nope, we have nothing to talk about sorry... .please please please tell your friends I miss them and your grandmother and uncle as those are the only things i miss from our realtionship" I am not sure why I have been painted black right now? Why is he so angry with me? I never cheated, I am not parading around with other people... .is this a temporary thing because he knows I know his true self?

Any advice would be great. I was N/C for 5 weeks but we did need to settle an insurance thing last week and he was nice to me, even saying he thinks about me and now this... .

Thank you.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Range,

   They paint you black even when it's they who dump you, because NOTHING is their fault.

They cannot take responsibility for their actions. It's YOUR fault he broke up with you. If you are sad or confused good (in his thinking) because it is YOUR own doing.

Now this is disordered speak. Obviously this is not your fault. None of their words and actions ever match. When mine left she told me "Nothing is changing, you are still my best friend"... .

as she is dumping me for another.

I have heard NOTHING. Crickets. We are headed into month four.

BPD's are users and liars. It's all about them, not you.

All the websites say not to personalize their actions but how can one NOT take that personally? No one deserves to be treated poorly but they hate themselves so much inside their only pleasure is bringing you down to their level.

I know this is hard but the best thing is NC. Contact hurts you more and more. You totally have control of the No Contact... .that is one thing you have complete control over... .ignoring him.

So he is telling you he made a huge mistake yet is parading around this underage boy. Again... .words and actions don't match  

I know you and I have chatted offline a bit. You are a really nice guy, a good guy. I can tell you 100%, no doubt you DON'T deserve this treatment. You have your life together.

Don't let him ruin all you've worked towards. NC my friend.

PW

[js friend]

Hi Rangeforday,

My understanding is that we are painted black in order for them to move on. Very often pwBPD have a fear of being alone and line up a replacement before they actually end the r/s and will flit between thinking that it will work with the new person and then flit back to us things will work with us again when they feel things are not working out with the new person. My kids and I were painted black after exh and I divorced. He very rarely had any contact with our kids and almost everything about his new life became shrouded in secrecy including where he lived. He remarried and we didnt even know about it. Suddenly everything was about his new wife yet the kids werent allowed to meet her. That was strictly off limits and the 2 worlds were not to mix. Phone calls from me or the kids would often go unanswered for days or not returned at all. His explanation often was... ."I was at home and my wife was there."

So we came to understood his wife took priority and he had moved on.

It sounds like this could be the same for you and your ex.PwBPD cannot have a r/s of equal importance with people. There is too much black and white thinking there. You are either bad or good in their eyes. If the other r/s is good you are bad and visa versa. Love as we understand it is very fleeting if ever for pwBPD. They are also not very good with boundaries so this young boys age is probably irrelevant to him. It is about what makes them "feel"alive/good whether it be, drugs, alcohol, risky sexual behaviour, self harm etc so you will not be able to convince your ex that this r/s isnt appropiate. You may end up being being recycled when your ex is feeling stressed or unfulfilled with this boy but you need to ask yourself if you deserve more than your ex can give you.

I wouldnt have wasted my time thinking that co-parenting could possibly work with this man if I had known about BPD because my exh will never change. He hasnt matured at all. It is and always will be all about him.

The 2nd marriage was very brief and now is suddendly we have all been painted white again. After the 2nd marriage had ended  exh told me that he was out one day and he saw me. "Why didnt you call to me"? I asked. "I was with my wife!" said exh... .yep that said it all... .He probably had a real fear of us ever meeting.!

... .I would advise against trying to re-establish some kind of r/s with your ex. He has moved on.  If you can settle your insurance thing by LC email or some other way than meeting you will save yourself further pain in the longrun.

[range4days]

Thank you both for your kind words. Pretty Woman, you have been so helpful to me.

I really appreciate it. I  guess I am still in that stage where I want to be painted white again but I guess that is quite pathetic of me... .

[seang]

Thank you both for your kind words. Pretty Woman, you have been so helpful to me.

I really appreciate it. I  guess I am still in that stage where I want to be painted white again but I guess that is quite pathetic of me... .

Feel for you man.  I guess no-one wants to go out being black, we all just want peace at the end of the day and no bad feeling.  But thats not a choice they make.  Its a defensive reaction they carry through.  Im black as the ace of spades, and theres a little bit of me that wants white!  But someone said it the other day on here, he preferred being black, because white just meant going through the whole process again, and eventually going back to black.

No win dude!

[Pretty Woman]

Range, anytime 

Unfortunately none of us would be here if we could stay painted white. It's ingrained in them as a defense mechanism. We can't prevent it.

Just remember... .there are HEALTHY people out there that don't split and devalue others. There are better people out there than our exes.

It hurts like a sonofabitc... .but we WILL get through this. It WILL get easier.