I'm new, considering cutting ties with father, nothing is working

[Auslaunder]

Hi all,

I'm a 30 you old female. My father has BPD, our family thinks. He has refused therapy or family therapy to help me or other family members, but he gets treatment for depression. My mother is great and we are close. She stayed with my father out of fear of him gaining any costudy rights in a divorce and divorced him when I was 18. He was physically and emotionally abusive.

I have tried along with my brother to manage his frequent crisis and set boundaries, but I am very ill and the stress he causes is making me worse. He slanders me to family members and family friends. He blows up my phone with demands, engages in behavior that makes me worried for him but I'm incapable of even speaking to him about without setting off a fit of rage, he demeans me and attempts to sabotage me and cause a rift between my brother and myself.

Despite my best efforts I think the best course of action would be to stop talking to him. He asked me to lie for him in a legal context and I can't do this. I recently learned he had severed ties with me during my marriage. I misinterpreted that as him getting better since he didn't tell me and I was happier with arrangement.

I don't know the best way to do it. Do I need to tell him or is any contact provactive? I have simply blocked him right.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Auslander,

I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive mother and that you're reaching some points of clarity with how you want to proceed in your own life where your father is concerned. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it at all, but it sounds like you're doing well with taking charge and choosing what is healthy for you.

Different people here have different ways they've gone No Contact with their BPD family member - there isn't necessarily one best way that works. When my husband and I went NC with his very abusive uBPDmom, we wrote her a letter (well, my husband wrote it; I helped him edit) telling her that we were not going to be in contact for at least one calendar year. We told her the main reasons why (her constant abusive actions) and told her that we would not receive communication from her in any way other than regular postal mail. We stated that if she attempted to abuse us that way, we would stop receiving even that communication.

That was eighteen months ago - she kept on trying to reach us by phone, email, packages sent in the mail, through other people, et cetera. Sometimes she attempted a peacemaking tone, but it was always interspersed with hatefulness and abusiveness. So we haven't accepted anything she's tried in about a year. Blocked her phone number, threw away unopened all physical items she sends, blocked all email addresses, didn't notify her when we moved and changed addresses. Yep, it's extreme, but it was necessary for us and we have much more peace and no regrets. It's a lot easier to have peace and even good-will towards her when she cannot touch us. It makes me think of that line from Fiddler on the Roof -

Leibesh: Rabbi! May I ask you a question?

Rabbi: Certainly, Lebisch!

Leibesh: Is there a proper blessing... .for the Tsar?

Rabbi: A blessing for the Tsar? Of course! May God bless and keep the Tsar... .far away from us!

[Auslaunder]

Hi Claudia,

Thank you for the advice! I talked my problem over with some of my family as well. I really like the idea of using snail mail. I don't dread the mail. I'm worried sending a letter with reasons is too personal since I think it is unlikely for my father to have a conversion experience. Usually intimate information is ammunition for him. I'm thinking that sending holiday cards provides the right amount of contact for me. It cheers me up to buy them and I don't need to expect a response.

[Turkish]

I'm thinking that sending holiday cards provides the right amount of contact for me. It cheers me up to buy them and I don't need to expect a response.

That's good that you're focusing on you, Auslander! That's a personal boundary. If he does reach out, you can decide what to do at that time.