Feeling like the deck is stacked against me/us...

[Ceruleanblue]

Lately, since BPDh has been on his downward spiral, it just feels like the deck is stacked against us having a healthy marriage. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in a toxic one. I'm willing to do the hard work, but I'm only half the equation. I feel I'm the healthier, more aware half.

He gets all this help in DBT, but doesn't apply what he learns, barely reads the handouts and it's been quite a while since I've noticed him using any tools. He certainly doesn't understand validation, because I've asked him what it means, and he gives me a blank look, then rattles off something bogus. I've read a few of his handouts, and they are very specific, and give examples, so I know he just is choosing to not learn it. When he was in culinary school, he sure paid attention, and couldn't learn enough.

Plus, it isn't even just BPDh. It's the fact that his family is a hornet's nest, and he has zero boundaries, and expects little from anyone. Three of his four adult kids have been an utter, toxic nightmare, and it just never ends. He's now back to blaming all on me, saying I "don't want to let things go", but I'm THE ONLY ONE who has! I even apologized to all three girls, when I was the one owed the apology. BPDh spent three years demanding I apologize, and I only did so to shut him up, and because he was threatening to leave(again). And his Dad, who I thought liked me, is suddenly being all buddy buddy with BPDh's ex. His Dad knows this woman used to stab his son, and not long ago he was calling her foul names, now he's being asked to her wedding(to the man she cheated with when she was married to BPDh). Doesn't this family have ANY loyalty? Doesn't he care about his son's feelings? And how does he think it makes ME feel? I clearly haven't been accepted in the same manner the psycho ex has. I feel if we didn't make it, I'd be well shed of them all.

I just feel like there are so many, many things going against us. Lots of them could be made to feel better if BPDh just did something, anything that was forward progress. Stand up to his kids(they refuse to be around ME, and use the grandbabies as pawns), learn some boundaries, stop lying(his kids are sick of the lies from him too, come to find out), or especially work his DBT program.

I'm just so hurt and upset over constantly being excluded by his kids and family, and HIM, and for what? To get treated like crap? To feed his narcissistic supply?

Maybe I'm just in a bad place right now, but in a small way, I feel like maybe I'm waking up to reality, and it's harsh.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and the one week I really feel like I wanted to do MC, our MC is on vacation. I usually don't want to delve too deep or bring too many things up, but boy, this week was a doozie. His lying needs to be addressed and so does his divorce threats starting back up. He might not be able to help some of his anger, or his dysregulations, but the constant lying, and the threats, I know he can stop. He's stopped the threats before, so he could do it again.

Even if the threats and lying are part of his recent dysreg, he needs to be being more proactive, and at least trying. It's like he has zero self awareness. I just have a hard time relating to that. 

I just want to get back to where we were in a much better place, but I have no idea how to get there.

[LivingWBPDWife]

Well, I think a lot of people know how you feel. My BPD has a sister, surprise she has issues as well, and her husband and her have been 2 inches from divorce. They are in counciling as well. I don't know her that well, but she has a huge anger issue and basically pretends to be Ms. Perfect, but is just waiting for a trigger to go off. My wife got some money on xmas, and I told her to save it for a rainy day, she told her sister, her sister then emailed me a NASTY email, I called her, and 5 words into my call she went CRAZY -- so I left a message telling her she was out of line, inappropriate, she told her parents ---

So for the last 10 months, my BPD wife, her bipolar sister, and her parents all HATE me.

Alas, I keep saying tell your sister to call, we can work this out, etc. finally, I get her on the phone, 4 words come out of my mouth, she goes ballistic, I am thinking, I am glad I have the BPD sister not the bipolar one! Anyway, we get her on the phone again, I just MAKE up an apology for something I didn't do, she huffs and hangs up, then her parents finally come visit.

So, point is all weekend, its their entire family against me, I just am 100% alone -- my BPD is supposed to be my wife, and OUR family comes first, me, our daughter, etc. but nope -- the BPD wife and her parents are ONE unit.

And they are the ones that built this women IMO and there anecdotes about how they raised her, I am like checking things off a list, father abandoned her for 1 year, mother didn't want to spend time with her, hired nanny, they used cruel discipline techniques, they don't believe in touching and affection -- no wonder my BPD wife is so F'ed up.

Anyway, point is, I feel like its them against me always and it really hurts, I would NEVER do that to my wife, BPD or not, she makes me feel like the total outsider in my OWN house -- when her parents and family are around.

So, my advice is just be nice, be courteous, but you will never feel like you are part of their thing. And worst yet, every time "they" get around her, they just stack the cards against me, your evil husband, he is so mean to you, he doesn't let you do anything you want, he wants you to be responsible, how dare he --

I just count the mins they are here, and then smile as they leave.

[Cloudy Days]

I believe I seen somewhere you said you started seeing a therapist yourself correct? Maybe you should use that time to really think about if you want to stay in such a toxic relationship. Your vows are important, I get that. It is one of the reasons I have stayed with my husband when times were tough. But the other reasons you gave before were very detrimental to you. You are being blamed for a lot of problems that are simply not your problems. You may be blamed for things simply because you want things to be calmer so you sometimes take the blame. If you allow anyone to pin something on you, they will continue to do it. I think a therapist could help you pin point things to work on in your life.

My husband does the divorce threats too. Did one last night in fact and it really upset me because it was for a very stupid reason. But I do see progress in my husband. It doesn't appear that any progress is being made in your relationship. If it continues to be this toxic to you are you going to just stay? What do you really get out of this relationship? And be completely honest with yourself. There may be some good times, but how good are the good times and are they much less than the bad times? The one time I truly thought about leaving my husband he was having a Bipolar episode. I didn't know what was going on, I just knew something was wrong and every single day was bad. It was to the point that the bad was just too much to deal with. At what point do you draw a line and say I can't live like this anymore. Has the line been drawn and you keep erasing it and redrawing it? I understand you are very afraid of him leaving you again but what would that really look like if he did leave you again? Could you take a vacation for yourself? Do you have any friends you could take along? It could even be a trip to stay with some family just to do some soul searching about why you are so attached to someone who makes you feel miserable. It's time to pay attention to you and give you what you need to have a happy life. If you died right now, today would you be happy with the decisions you made? You only get one life to live... .Why spend it living a nightmare?

Everyone on these boards are frustrated with their spouse or lover. They are hard to live with, hard to deal with and even hard to love, but we all get something we want out of them. What is it Cerulean Blue gets out of all this? Where is your happiness in life?