My borderline daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a daughter that is almost 18 yrs old. Early in childhood she was diagnosed with Aspergers, oppositional behavior, etc. She has been hospitalized 6 times, residential treatment 1 time, and intensive outpatient programs 2 times. Last year "personality disorder" was added to her diagnosis. She has been in counseling for years, weekly. IT IS NOT EASY and honestly I am to the point where I don't think I can help her. I think the problem with helping her is that to be helped you have to recognize you need it and then want it. All the DBT therapy in the world isn't going to help her while her distorted thinking keeps her from thinking clearly.

[Myborderlinedaug]

I have a daughter that is almost 18 yrs old. Early in childhood she was diagnosed with Aspergers, oppositional behavior, etc. She has been hospitalized 6 times, residential treatment 1 time, and intensive outpatient programs 2 times. Last year "personality disorder" was added to her diagnosis. She has been in counseling for years, weekly. IT IS NOT EASY and honestly I am to the point where I don't think I can help her. I think the problem with helping her is that to be helped you have to recognize you need it and then want it. All the DBT therapy in the world isn't going to help her while her distorted thinking keeps her from thinking clearly.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Myborderlinedaug &

I'm so sorry for all of the troubles you have been having with your daughter, and want to let you know that you've found the right place! All of the parents on this site know exactly how you feel, and what you are going through... .And you are right; until our child with BPD comes to the realization that he/she has a problem and then decides to get help for it--willingly--there's a chance that treatment won't change anything.

You have jumped one hurdle, though, in that your daughter has been diagnosed and is (I think?) seeing a Therapist and having DBT... .That alone could really pave the way to her finally seeing that she needs this help and then applying it. It's good that this is starting now, and not years and years in the future; she really could "come around" in the near future, and make the changes that she needs to.

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS can really help us understand how our child with BPD thinks, and give us the information we need to communicate with him/her in a way that actually helps them, and makes things better. We also have some Feature Articles linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the thread listings on this Board (and here: When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder).

The Feature Articles include one that I would like to encourage you to read: Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. Here is some information from that Article that I think would be pertinent to your own situation:

How Long Does It Take To Recover?

Change is difficult.

Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that "great" progress has been made or giving "You can do it" reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment. The families of people with Borderline Personality Disorder can tell countless stories of instances in which their son or daughter went into crisis just as that person was beginning to function better or to take on more responsibility.

The coupling of improvement with a relapse is confusing and frustrating, but has a logic to it. When people make progress - by working, leaving day treatment, helping in the home, diminishing self-destructive behaviors, or living alone- they are becoming more independent. They run the risk that those around them who have been supportive, concerned, and protective will pull away, concluding that their work is done. The supplies of emotional and financial assistance may soon dry up, leaving the person to fend for herself in the world. Thus, they fear abandonment. Their response to the fear is a relapse.

They may not make a conscious decision to relapse, but fear and anxiety can drive them to use old coping methods. Missed days at work; self-mutilation; a suicide attempt; or a bout of overeating, purging or drinking, may be  signs that let everyone around know that the individual remains in distress and needs their help. Such relapses may compel those around her to take responsibility for her through protective measures such as hospitalization. Once hospitalized, she has returned to her most regressed state in which she has no responsibilities while others take care of her. When signs of progress appear, family members can reduce the risk of relapse by not showing too much excitement about the progress and by cautioning the individual to move slowly.

This is why experienced members of a hospital staff tell borderline patients during discharge not that they feel confident about their prospects, but that they know the patient will confront many hard problems ahead. While it is important to acknowledge progress with a pat on the back, it is meanwhile necessary to convey understanding that progress is very difficult to achieve. It does not mean that the person has overcome her emotional struggles. You can do this by avoiding statements such as, "You’ve made great progress," or, "I’m so impressed with the change in you." Such messages imply that you think they are well or over their prior problems. Even statements of reassurance such as, "That wasn’t so hard," or, "I knew you could do it," suggest that you minimize their struggle. A message such as, "Your progress shows real effort. You’ve worked hard. I’m pleased that you were able to do it, but I’m worried that this is all too stressful for you," can be more empathic and less risky.

Lower your expectations.

Set realistic goals that are attainable. Solve big problems in small steps. Work on one thing at a time.

Big long-term goals lead to discouragement and failure.

Although the person with BPD may have many obvious strengths such as intelligence, ambition, good looks, and artistic talent, she nonetheless is handicapped by severe emotional vulnerabilities as she sets about making use of those talents. Usually the person with BPD and her family members have aspirations based upon these strengths. The patient or her family may push for return to college, graduate school, or a training program that will prepare her for financial independence... .

I would really encourage you to read the whole thing, and also the other 3 Feature Articles at the first link I gave you above... .There's so much wonderful information, and many tips, on this site! Please tell us more about your situation, and ask your questions; we really want to help