Nailed it

[Ripped Heart]

It's been a couple of months since I was last here, lots on with work and personal life and things constantly moving forward.

I still attend sessions with my therapist on a regular basis but have broken the bonds of codependency entirely, perhaps a little too much in areas. In the last session my therapist commented on how almost a year ago, I would bend to everybody else, wanted to rescue everyone, gave in to so much and how I'm so different. I don't take crap from people and call them out on it, understand where my responsibility ends and theirs begins, know when to stop and pause as well as knowing when to help and support in the right way and when to let go. I do still give people extra chances that perhaps others might not but I'm aware of it and where that boundary line is.

The work these days is around closure. When asked how I was able to identify many of these things its because of what I was able to learn about myself during 2 r/s with pwBPD. All too often here, we get so wrapped up in the illogical and we question the uncertainty of ourselves. Many people here will tell you that healing comes from within and they are right but in order to do that, sometimes means letting go.

For those of you who saw my earlier posts, despite all my exBPDgf did, I still remained her go to person for comfort and support. It wasn't all about me being a nice guy and wanting to rescue her, but also my own fears of being lonely again. I had always been lonely child and looked for comfort in abandoned child. But the moment I chose to let go of that fear was the moment life took on a very different meaning. It's the moment you realise you have complete control of you and all that time and energy spent on others, you can redirect towards yourself.

Imagine having a nightmare where you are being chased but look down and realise you are running through treacle. That nightmare is being conjured by your own mind and the moment you realise you are in control, you can grow wings and fly. You are no longer being chased, instead you have control over everything you see, do and experience and that's the moment you realise you are free and in control of you.

I discovered last week through a mutual friend that my exBPDgf has yet another replacement. This is replacement 7 or 8 since we split at the end of last year. This replacement has just bought her a car (as did I) an expensive car bought on finance which she offered to pay back. It's the same pattern and in a month or so will have the same outcome. Only he's going to get stung far more than me. I haven't spoken to exBPDgf now in almost 3 months but I have had the occasional missed call from her which I haven't returned.

In one sense it's validating because the very same pattern is there, in another sense I do still hope she finds happiness but I know that she won't and I know that there isn't anything I can do to change that so I keep my distance and continue enjoying my own life and the new experiences I gain every single day.

For those of you just starting out on the journey. It may feel dark and frightening. We invest so much of our own energy into these relationships and the more unstable it becomes, the more energy we put in because in some respects we too fear the unknown. But what is on the other side is entirely down to ourselves and what we make of it. How long it takes to get there is entirely down to us too but what I will say is that right now many of you may have mixed emotions. Anger, resentment, upset, hurt, sadness but there will come a time when you do let go of those and find yourself being the person you want to be and realising you can be whoever you want to be with all of that energy that you can now focus on you.