Does the pwBPD always financially devastate the relationship?

[michel71]

Hello all. I am interested to hear people weigh in on this. I had a savings account. Since we have been married it has been one thing after another with her and now it is all gone. I also have some credit card debt thanks to her. I make a good wage but it is going to take me some time to rebuild. She has no money of her own. Never did. Just a barely getting by job in another country, no savings and then I moved her here with me. I have had to support her fully but I knew this. She has been in school and will be done in December. Thank God.

I intend to divorce her once she is gainfully employed. Neither of us is happy and we know that. I feel that is the fair thing to do... .to wait until she has means to support herself... .before I file. Plus a judge would be hard pressed to stick me with significant spousal support for a two year marriage when the wife makes just as much as I do ( if not more). The plan previous to our marital hell was that she was going to "replenish" my savings. I am sure that is off the table.

For now I am stuck living with her (its my house). As a decent human being I am not going to kick her out in the street.

I am very resentful of the financial piece of this ordeal needless to say; yet, I take responsibility for giving her access to the money and for trusting her.

I am eager to hear your stories.

[Mutt]

Hi michel71,

I'm sorry to hear that. I trusted my ex wife and gave her access to money as well and when she left she refused to talk about marital debt, a pwBPD look to other to take responsibility for them and to take care of them and I chose to file for bankruptcy protection. Do you have a L to sort this out?

[Pretty Woman]

Michel,

   Not always but more often than not, "excessive spending" is a BPD trait. It's an "impulse" and we know they possess 0 impulse control!

Mine slowly told me of her debt as the relationship progressed. It started out at "some debt" to a lot more than that! She lost her job and in a depressed state gambled her savings away at the local casino. From there, she incured 40K of debt on her credit cards (once she depleted her 401K).

She told me when she'd hit on the machines she would pass out $100 bills to people because she felt sorry for them.



She was 30K in debt paying off a student loan (and she never completed college).

She has 2k in her savings and just enough to cover bills in checking. She makes $52k... .no 401K.

I almost gifted her 10K to pay off some debt. I am very happy and relieved to say I didn't do that. My fear was if we married she would feel so overwhelmed with the debt while I was ok.

As our relationship progressed and she left me a zillion times, I started realizing... .if we marry prenup for sure! I wanted a baby and all of a sudden I was giving that up because I couldn't imagine having one with someone this irresponsible.



Why was I STAYING with someone I didn't trust? That's even scarier than her debt!

PW

 

[Chrisbazsky77]

Hi Micheal,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My uBPDh (now ex) certainly was extremely dependent on me financially.

He had left 4 jobs in 4 years and I always had to keep us afloat. When he did work temp jobs he was quick to contribute, however, I could sense the reluctance of the offer from his end-it was almost as if I was a bad mom taking away his favourite toy!

After he was sent away for the final time, I made some serious, practical changes to affect my finances positively. I have now downsized to a new home( was emotionally liberating too), realised that I didn't have to purchase his luxury items anymore and am now paying that portion towards larger bills.

Legal route was not an option for me, not only because of the long drawn out court processes my country insists on, but he wouldn't have been able to pay towards anything anyway, without permanent employment.

Would've been a complete waste of my energy not to mention a huge obstacle to healing.

After feeling very frustrated at the situation, I decided to turn things around. It's far from easy(because you might feel it's not fair, expect her to 'pay' in every way for what she has caused etc) but from what I've been left to sort through financially,it's very possible to get through with a sure plan in place.

Your compassion towards her regardless of the circumstances is very admirable:-)

Best wishes to you!

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex had zero financial acumen. I'm sure that whomever she's sucked into her pathetic life thinks she's been a single mom the last 10 years just struggling to get by to make sure her kids have the best. Cry me a river... .

Even with my financial savvy I could never get her to understand that you should never spend more than you take in, even though she actually did earn relatively well financially. But somehow each month she just never seemed to have enough money. Not with her income, not from her exH's child support, not with me buying her clothes, her kids clothes, giving her money for their private school, fill in the blank.

I wasn't financially devastated because I wouldn't allow her to do that to me. I don't care who she is or how long we were together. By the same token if I loved her I should help her out financially, if SHE loved me, she would be financially responsible. Since she's been gone, I'm completely out of debt again AND have more money than I ever have. She is having to sleep with some guy to have her expenses met. There is a name for women like that... .

In your case, OP, if you are waiting for her to get on sound financial footing before you dump her, you'd better have an end time. Because there's a 100% chance something happens and that two years turns into a lot longer for you. My point is, it may never happen with her. What then for you?

[greenmonkey]

It all sounds so familiar - initially when we started chatting - she said she only spent money she had never had any debts.

Time marched on - and debts crawled out the woodwork - credit cards, her divorce, overdraft, car loan etc etc.

I was also prepared to pay off some of her debts so we could have a good solid grounding, with none of her past debts haunting us. For me it would have been necessary to have a prenup as well, something she used to go ballistic over as she did with any financial discussions.

She frittered money away and spent ££££ on christmas, money she did not have. Her one classic line she came out with was "I do not manage my money because I have no money to manage" coming out of the mouth of a 44 year old woman ! Child in an Adult body.

Her debts since I ended our relationship have grown by about £6k plus. If the relationship would have continued she would have drained me emotionally, psychologically and financially - whilst not putting anything whatsoever into the relationship, part from being a pathological liar and cheat.

I keep on saying to myself it could have been so much worse. I lost money I could afford to lose, it was a gamble setting up home with her, it was a calculated risk, it did not work, I was desperately unhappy and she killed the love we had. I could not trust one word that came out of her mouth, I could not trust her and her motives.

[Pretty Woman]

GreenMonkey,

  That's exactly how I look at it. I lost money on this relationship but it could have been much worse. I have a good job and can recoup. Mine was all for the pre-nup... .

probably because she knew we'd never make it to the alter.

Reading this post just hits me. Look at all of us and the similarities. We are so lucky we are not tied to these people anymore!

PW

[adventurer]

Yes, my wife has caused me innumerable financial problems. She has never worked. I tried to come up with a budget with her where we would be able to save some money for emergencies. Every time she does something outside the budget, I am accused of being a jerk who only cares about money when I try to talk about it with her. I am selfish if I say 'no' to putting things on the credit card.

Her answer is never for her to get a job or contribute to the finances, its for me to sell retirement funds, or put things on the credit card. She is not that bad as far as impulsive or extravagant purchases as with many other disordered people, but it is a 'death of a thousand cuts' - all the little things that accumulate over time so that if there is an emergency like a car repair, we are completely unprepared for it.

I almost made it 2 years sticking to my guns, saying 'no', being the bad guy, to keep us out of debt at the very least, but a surprise visit from family and her pleading for an out of town trip will push us back into debt by the end of the year. I tried to plan and budget for these things but it just got away from me. I blame myself for the bad planning and not sticking to my financial boundaries because I didn't want to deal with the conflict. We will have 0 money for Christmas and I am not looking forward to that discussion. Anything I try to reason with her I am a tyrant who needs to get off of her back.

She will never change. She is purposefully keeping herself financially dependent on my to try and hold onto me, make me feel too protective and guilty to leave her. Classic 'waif' type of situation.

[seang]

yup, get all this.  I felt like i was always there to try and make ends meet.  She even said once  when i was short of cash for a weekend, was, you have no money.  Then maybe we shouldnt come over.  It was just so clinical.

Anyway, long story short, ive just issued a letter before action as Im going to sue her for the car she asked me to loan money for, thats shes taken away without a second thought, and all the self righteous expectation that its rightly hers.

The battle commences... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Great topic, michel71.  Your story sounds familiar.  I agree with ShadowInTheNight:

In your case, OP, if you are waiting for her to get on sound financial footing before you dump her, you'd better have an end time. Because there's a 100% chance something happens and that two years turns into a lot longer for you. My point is, it may never happen with her. What then for you?

I believed my UxBPDbf that he would pay me back and that his needing help was temporary.  So I helped.  Repeatedly.  He was in constant crisis - financial and otherwise.  I helped him A LOT despite being a single mother who gets no support from my ex husband.  I started a new business relatively recently so am actively building that but funds are tight.    Relative to my income, I gave way too much.

I confess that part of me enjoyed it as I am more accustomed to being the "poor one" in comparison to my family and friends.  So there was definitely some satisfaction in being able to help.  That said, it was a never-ending bleed that added up.  He essentially owes me about $4K.  Getting this back would be a great help to me.

I have not intended to pursue him for the money because of the way he stalked me after the b/u.  I had decided getting away from him worth every penny I lost and didn't get back.  Which is true.

And yet, seems ridiculous that his BAD behavior (stalking, rage etc.) should be of further benefit to him by dissuading me from pursuing the money.  Seems like he acted badly in the r/s (granted, I let him) and now he gets to continue acting badly by not having to pay it back. 

What do y'all think?  I would love to never lay eyes on him again.  I would also love for him to HAVE to pay it (tho that presupposes he could and would). 

Sounds like you are going after her, seang?  Anyone else?  Any success in doing so?  Is there any point to trying to get blood out of a turnip?  Though if he did actually hit it big some day, I would love to have such a judgement against him. 

Hope I haven't hijacked your post here, michel7.  If so, my apologies. 

Cheers!

[seang]

Sounds like you are going after her, seang?  

I am.  But not out of being vindictive.  I do need the money.  And i have given her ever chance to rectify that glaring obvious fact.  She continues to be a cold heartless ___, and the abuse and personal attack i got on Friday, well it leaves me with little pity anymore, and def no regrets.  

She wants to play hard ball, so be it.  Im aware i may not win this, and that would be a final crushing blow im sure.  But i am determined not to walk away, be driven out, like i was nothing, head down, without some last stand!

And then I AM DONE!

[enlighten me]

I allowed both my exs to take advantage of me financially. Some of it was trying to please them. Some of it was guilt trips and some was because things mysteriously kept breaking. The amount of vacuums and electrical items I had to replace was beyond a joke.

In the end any savings had gone and I was left with large debts.

michel if your divorcing then I wouldnt clear your debts. I would gift the money to a friend or relative instead. Maybe after the divorce they will return the favour. Not sure how legal that is where you live though.

[michel71]

Thank you to all of your for your great comments and insight. I am processing all of this and it is indeed uncanny how much we all have in common with respect to financial issues.

Like some of you I am guilty of letting her have access to my money, especially my savings, which after we were married, I put into a joint savings account. There were not as many   at that time, so I felt like it was the right thing to do. I am also guilty of being the rescuer and yes, I did get personal satisfaction for "saving the day" quite often.

Like some of you, there was always something going wrong or breaking, lots of medical bills for her and her daughter, and I started to help her out even before we were married. I just thought that she had a terrible run of bad luck. Again, white knight syndome took over for me.

I should have known better when 5 months after we were married ( but she was still living abroad due to the spousal visa being in process), I couldn't visit her at one point so she got revenge by taking her daughter on an expensive trip to Spain and put it all on her credit card, rationalizing that I wouldn't have to pay a dime toward it. Well that was illogical since I was giving her money to pay her bills. So I chocked it all up to the stress of being apart and gave her yet another pass on immature and irresponsible behavior.

I have a legal services plan so I can retain a lawyer for next to nothing. Point in fact I am a lawyer so that helps in knowing what I am facing from a family law standpoint. That being said, I don't underestimate the viciousness that could present itself once the divorce ensues. That would be on her part of course. I just want out, cleanly and fairly. I have no malice. No desire to fleece her; HOWEVER, if she starts to play hardball and is making more money than myself (quite possible as she will be going into medicine) I might just hit HER with spousal support! I am not shortsighted. I know that waiting, as uncomfortable as it is, would prove a far better outcome than filing for divorce now while she is still in school and unemployed. As for the "community debts"... .all on my credit card so subject to argument... .I have pretty much accepted that I have to eat those. As to the money that she promised to put back into "our" savings, I can forget that as well. The upside is my freedom and happiness and health ( can't put a price on that) and the fact that I make a decent income enough to rebuild. I am not one of those high price lawyers. I just work a government job but still I can and will rebuild.

Funny how she still insists that she WON'T take me to the cleaners, expects no spousal support whatsoever and even represents that she will give me the money to put back into my savings. Because I don't trust her for so many other reasons, financial and otherwise, I don't believe her. I want to but I don't.

Reclaim... .I would let go of the 4k. I know its the principal of the thing but strategically speaking, you will have to deal with the BPD further if you involve them FOR ANY REASON. I would "buy my peace" as we say in the law and eat the 4k. Move on with you life. Maybe somebody will do something nice for you down the line to the tune of 4k or more!

Again I so loved all of your posts. I could relate to each one of them and there was at least one thing in all of your posts that was my fact pattern exactly. Truly truly uncanny. Its like we were all involved with the same pwBPD!

[adventurer]

If she doesn't get a job soon after graduating, don't count on her to get one.

The longer you are in the marriage the worse the financial consequences will be for you.

Consult with a lawyer now about possibly alimony repercussions in your place of residence.

Good luck.

[michel71]

Thanks Adventurer. I got that covered. I live in a community property state. I know the exposure. Believe me, I am hoping she gets a job right away. I think she will for one reason only: that is her "identity" in life and she left her profession in another country to be with me. That is all she talks about. She feels disempowered and wants to earn her own money to spend it frivolously probably. I cut off all "extras" so now she thinks we live in poverty and feels very disadvantaged. :'(

[michel71]

one more thing, if she doesn't get a job within a reasonable amount of time ( and believe me there are many openings out there) I will file anyway and let the chips fall where they may. At least she will have completed her education and gotten her license. The court considers earning "potential" of the spouse claiming support.

[GaGrl]

Plus you will have documentation of what you contributed to her education, correct?

[Ripped Heart]

Michel, I guess it depends on the person but from my own experiences, being able to support themselves financially was a major issue.

My exN/BPDw had a good job, good salary but lived well beyond her means. For her, travel meant flying first class, staying in 5 star hotels and generally running up debts. Expectations of me as a husband was to earn double my salary so I could fund her lifestyle and clear her debts.

For exBPDgf, just surviving month to month was a huge battle. Again, where bills had to be paid she found it overwhelming and would fall apart. I often picked up the tab, sorted her bills for her and helped where I could. When she did have money, instead of clearing debts, handbags and shoes were bought because it made her feel good about herself.

Financially, I ended up out of pocket by a lot of money. However, that was my choice at the time and a valuable lesson I learned that I won't repeat again

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Financially, I ended up out of pocket by a lot of money. However, that was my choice at the time and a valuable lesson I learned that I won't repeat again

AMEN.   So many valuable - albeit often painful - lessons learned!   

[michel71]

Yes Gagrl. I have all the documentation. Everything I ever sent her via wire from before as well. I think she "lost" her 10k engagement ring on purpose, meaning she didn't really lose it, just told me she did, to give herself a little extra something to sell. The reason I think this is because she wasn't THAT broken up over it. My best friend thinks she still has it hidden somewhere. A psychic that I consulted with said the same thing.

Bottom line. I just don't trust her.

[twanda2020]

My Ex has serious issues with money and holding a job. It was a struggle to stay on top of things, but somehow I managed. She doesn't even like opening her mail. She doesn't pay her bills until they call her about being past due.

I don't know how or why anyone would want to live like that?

I helped her out a lot over the years. I helped pay for 2 trucks. Supplemented her income when unemployment ran out. Bought a house. Paid the mortgage, and most of the bills. Bought the groceries. Paid for almost everything. It was like having a 40 year old teenager living with me.

I did it though. I loved (still do) her so I did what I had to do to take care of my family. Truth is I would probably still be doing it. Sigh. Why do we love them so much? I don't worry about money now. I realize I can tackle any hardship when it comes to finances. So I guess I can thank her for that! Now if I could figure out how to mend my heart, detach, and really move on like I know how to deal with my finances... .I would be right as rain... .or something like that.  

 

[ShadowIntheNight]

My Ex has serious issues with money and holding a job. It was a struggle to stay on top of things, but somehow I managed. She doesn't even like opening her mail. She doesn't pay her bills until they call her about being past due.

I don't know how or why anyone would want to live like that?

I helped her out a lot over the years. I helped pay for 2 trucks. Supplemented her income when unemployment ran out. Bought a house. Paid the mortgage, and most of the bills. Bought the groceries. Paid for almost everything. It was like having a 40 year old teenager living with me.

I did it though. I loved (still do) her so I did what I had to do to take care of my family. Truth is I would probably still be doing it. Sigh. Why do we love them so much? I don't worry about money now. I realize I can tackle any hardship when it comes to finances. So I guess I can thank her for that! Now if I could figure out how to mend my heart, detach, and really move on like I know how to deal with my finances... .I would be right as rain... .or something like that.  

 

My ex wouldn't open her mail either. She would only go to the mailbox 2 or 3 times a week, and when she went she would usually throw her mail on her kitchen counter without opening. Numerous times I would see unopened mail and ask her why didn't she open her mail. She never gave an answer, but I suspect it had to do with her having some level of anxiety about what was contained in the letters. And she would get phone calls  about her cell phone, utilities, or car payments being late. She was at least wise enough to know that she had to pay her rent each month on time or she would be on the streets.

A lot of anxiety she had about finances she created herself by her lack of discipline about her money.