Feeling low

[Cloudy Days]

I have felt so low lately, very unappreciated and unloved by my husband. I actually caught myself being jealous of his cousin and I called him on it, which now makes me feel stupid because he should be able to have lunch with his cousin. I was jealous because he was able to have a good time and enjoy himself with her and when he is with her he would do anything for her and give everything to her. I just kind of got overwhelmed with the feeling of him never acting this way with me. He can't even mow the freaking lawn these days. He gripes and complains so much about the home we just bought. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and trying to make it look nice and he asked me if I took a pill or something. I told him I am tired of being ashamed of our home, I want to be proud of it. I am not ashamed of it unless it is dirty, but it makes me very sad when he picks at it constantly.

To make it up to me that he went to dinner with his cousin he said he would go out with me. We ended up going and looking at things that we can't afford to buy afterwards and he got upset with me and basically ruined any good time we had. He bought another bottle of alcohol (we have been arguing about this because he has been drinking a lot lately).  I have been drinking with him but decided I am going to stop doing it. It makes me feel so yucky in the morning and makes me no better than him although even when I drank it wasn't nearly as much as him. I find myself waking up in the mornings on the weekends in a very good mood, until my husband wakes up and starts in on me about something, anything. Things I felt were going good for awhile but now I just see me being sad and not really having anything to look forward to. Anyways to get to my point, It sort of dawned on me that I need to stop caring about my husband. I get caught up in what he is doing that could harm him or what he wants to do that could potentially take him away from me for the rest of our lives (he's on probation and if he messes up it's not going to be a slap on the wrist. I get called names because I care about what happens to him. The other day I wished I would stop caring about him. But it's not really that easy is it. He's not been totally terrible, it's more like the little crappy bits he throws at me all day long add up. He's not raged in a long time, but there are small little bits of abusiveness that I seem to just ignore them while they are happening or say something smart ass in return or just walk away or go outside. It's eating away at me piece by piece.  I was screaming at the dog yesterday a 6 month old puppy because she was being a puppy running off with something she wasn't suppose to have. My husband acted like I was crazy, but I was outside away from him because he had just said something mean and I walked away and put my angry energy into something other than him. I just am at a loss for how to make things better. How do I make it better? Things aren't terrible but I am miserable. He tells me thank you after dinner, he apologizes when he is really wrong, he helps me do some things (not many but still) He has been decent compared to himself during the really bad times.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Hang in there cloudy. Things will get better.

It sounds like you're having a tough time at the moment

[Cloudy Days]

Things have gotten better, I think that may be my point... .Is this as good as it gets? Because it's not very good. I want to be happy and I feel he just sucks the life right out of me. I imagine it in my head, my energy flowing from me to him because he is sucking it up. It makes me not focus so much on what he is saying rather than what he is doing which is taking my energy. We don't even really fight anymore so much as argue or have calm discussions where nothing really gets solved. He does still split me and say he wants a divorce, got that lovely threat today actually. I didn't respond but it still burns. Then within minutes he asks me to do something for him. Push/Pull.

[Moselle]

Cloudy. My heart goes out to you. It really does. I recognise the agony of this horrible dynamic. I've been there got  the T-shirt so I think I can say it without sounding trite. It does get better than that. It will.  I made a call to say no to the abuse which has resulted in the fact that I am involved in a high conict divorce. Is it better for me... .absolutely.

Have you got your boundaries in place?

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Cloudy,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I agree with Moselle, have you reexamined your boundaries? I find that if I am feeling particularly low, my boundaries aren't always as good as they can be.

I know what you say about them not caring for the home. That is pretty common, actually, they want to think they are the handyperson but nothing gets done. Then they tell people, "I have so many projects going, I don't seem to get anything done" when, if they really wanted something done, they would do it. (my thoughts, there.)  I have slowly taken over home projects. The way I look at it, my husband's hillbilly ways are his problem, so I choose carefully. I recently completed a floor tile project in the living room that I waited 4 months for him to address - he never did, I feared someone would fall in the hole, so I did  parts of it myself and hired other parts out. It pissed off the husb but he likes the results. It must be difficult for him to reconcile that in his mind though. I next will re-do the brick walkway to the front porch, it is lumpy and someone could trip on it. that is something I can do myself. Also, time is a premium since I work full time, so I have hired a housekeeper and use the 'saved' time to address the things he won't, that could end up tripping someone. I make sure the house itself looks nice, the driveway and porch are blown off, and that makes his abdication of responsibility more evident. That way, people who visit - and there are only a few - see it is he who is derelict in his handiwork.

Hang in there, take care of you; remember if you are too tired, too hungry, sick, or not feeling quite yourself, you are more prone to having a bad day yourself. We all do it. You are not alone.

[Cloudy Days]

The boundaries are a work in progress. Most of the big stuff has gone away, I think I struggle with the smaller things because I don't like making a fuss about something I can ignore, walk away from and have no escalation. I don't allow it to keep happening and he knows that, I remove myself from his presence. I can honestly say I don't walk on Eggshells anymore, heck I will cuss him out if I feel I have a reason to.

I am hoping happiness exists without divorce. I know there would be a peace that would come with it, it's not off the table completely but for now I am not at that place. I am not prepared to let go of him, some days I really wish I was though.

[Moselle]

Cloudy. I admire your courage. I also did not want to divorce and I would have stayed and worked at it. However she was not willing to stop abusing me and she ulimately  made the choice to divorce.

It sounds like you got the big things out of the way. That is a huge achievement all on its own. Well done!

[Cloudy Days]

So I went home last night and he was drunk. I am not really sure how to deal with this. I stayed several years ago because he stopped drinking and now he is drinking again and a lot. He's still going to therapy but we can't afford for him to go every week. How do I deal with this? I don't want to be married to a drunk, I see things spiraling down hill fast. He actually broke something last night, he hadn't done that in a long time. I went outside for probably 2 hours before going back into the house. Of course this is when his mother tells him she has been having heart problems. I swear the timing of that woman. She is a very sweet lady and I love her dearly but she is manipulative in very passive ways. She waited till he was upset about something to send this to him and in a text no less. I am very worried about his drinking, I am choosing to stay out of it and let him dig his own grave but it is hard to do especially when I have to live with him. He can't smoke pot so he turns to drinking again is how I see it. He has also stopped taking his medication, which is what I think is making things worse. It was helping with his racing thoughts and now that he has weaned himself off of the meds he had the racing thoughts again. I can tell a major difference, he's getting stuck on things like he used to, obsessing about one thing or another. I see the spiral and I feel helpless to stop it. 

[Moselle]

That's tough Cloudy.

It's hard to see someone you love spiraling.

What are you responsible for? and when does it become his responsibility?

[Cloudy Days]

I am responsible for me and me only, I guess that is why I feel helpless because I do care about him and what happens to him but I care about me more. The last time this was happening I was codependent, this time I am not going to step in which makes me believe he is going to destroy his life. I have a lot to lose too if he goes to jail again. Our home, some of our pets, I cannot afford where we live without him and I can't take 5 dogs with me to a rental house. But it's hard to stand by and watch him do everything that is wrong. I think in an earlier post I said I was going to stop drinking. That is one part of me taking control, I feel like I am condoning his behavior if I join in with him. He pretty much knows how I feel about everything though. It's up to him to make the right or most likely wrong choices. Yesterday was one of those days I wished I never had to experience again but it happened. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. He showed some promise through some text messages this morning, but it quickly turned it into "You always rain on my parade".   He sent lets not argue lets not fight, lets get along tonight after that. I am skeptical though, without meds he's pretty much a roller coaster and I don't want to be on it.