Hey family, my 1 month check in

[Brood]

It's been about a month since I broke up with my gfwBPD.

I was doing pretty good but her face keeps coming up in old photos on my phone that Im too weak to look at and remove... also the internet... you know...

I told my ex I wasn't going to speak to her for a while and in that time I would also not remove or block her from my phone or facebook.

She said that she doesn't want to unload messages at me so its now her that has blocked me through all these avenues of communication...

I started talking to women on okcupid to get her out of my head... within an hour of reopening my profile since we started dating she had sent me a message telling me how disgusting it was to see me on the service that we met on... .

I broke no contact a few times in the beginning but after that I haven't heard or seen anything... I'm actually going through some bad thoughts and feelings currently... Trying to find updates on her life... anything... I guess I could call if I really wanted to find out but I dont think that I will. Tonight was the first time I made a fake profile to get around a facebook block. So I thought afterwards I needed to tell the family. Something bad is happening in me and I cant pinpoint where it's coming from exactly. But to give you the scoop nothing has changed on her facebook page... shet nothing has changed since we met basically. So not many clues there. Her profile picture was one taken for me during our hm phase... fk guys Im not feeling anything besides regret right now. I just needed to let you know how I was doing. 

[sas1729]

Hey,

One month out and it sounds like you are doing really well. I know it doesn't necessarily feel like it, but think about all the steps that you have taken. You are resisting the urge to contact her. You reactivated OKcupid. Sure, you did look at your ex's profile, but I think it's important to not reach out, which is what you are maintaining. I wanted to reply because I had an experience with OKC and the ex. I think it's great that you are reaching out to people on OKC, and it shows that you are actively trying to make new connections. I did the same thing. I made a new profile from scratch, which is something that you may consider doing. However, when I was on OKC, one of my ex's friends saw me and sent a nasty letter. I laughed it off.

The thing to remember is that your ex messaged you about OKC, which clearly means that she's on it, too. So you have every right (not that you are beholden to her anyway!) to continue messaging new people. I found that going on first dates was a fun and good way for me to move on. I'm not suggesting that you dive into a new relationship. But casual dating can lead to new friends and in my case it was a way for me to be proud of myself. That was critical to rebuilding my self confidence. Stay strong! You are doing great!

[rotiroti]

Stay strong brood, I remember your story and the texts you posted when you shared your story with us a month ago.

It sounds like checking her fb and such is not helpful, have you thought about deactivating your account or maybe having a friend keep your account safe while you detach?

[HappyNihilist]

  It's nice to see you again, Brood. Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you've been doing.

It sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment. I understand those feelings of regret. You're one month out, that's still pretty raw. I agree with sas1729, you're doing well even if it doesn't feel like it right now. 

Healing isn't linear - sometimes we have a great days, weeks, and then boom! It feels like we're right back where we started from.

The important thing to remember is that it just feels that way. You're not actually back where you started from. You can pick right back up where you left off, once the emotional dust has cleared. These perceived 'setbacks' are just part of the journey.

Our psyches have to process through all of this emotional pain, just as our brains have to process through the reality of what happened. It takes a while.

At one month out, where do you think you are in the five stages of detachment? (right sidebar) ======>

[Brood]

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. I really appreciate the responses and the support, if I never found this place I wouldn't have taken action at all and I can't express my gratitude enough for that. You're right though, it's definitely not a linear path. Some days I don't think about her at all and then for some reason after work I can't get her face out of my head. It's becoming easier but I still have those moments where I ask myself if I made a mistake or I was too hard on her... It's rough as I'm sure all of you know.

I actually went on a date the other day, it was horrible but I laughed and she told me the position she was in with her ex... .I couldn't help but open up about mine and I think that I one upped her addict ex bf... Because she wouldn't stop feeling sorry for me and it kind of added a weird vibe to the whole thing. It wasn't that great to begin with though so I wasn't too worried. I met someone new which was an accomplishment for myself, as it was in reality my first real 'date.' With my exwBPD, our first date consisted of her driving me to her house and we had sex that night and two years later here I am.

I feel like I am still learning to present with my feelings while also being able to stand beside them. It's hard to disassociate all the things we used to do together from one another. But I do see it starting and from the beginning I've been discovering new things about myself that wouldn't have been possible without this terrible thing happening. For these reasons I believe I'm still at stage 2 or in between 2 and 3. I had been acknowledging the facts more and more up to the point I told her it was over... Self inquiry and processing are my beasts of burden now.