Hi
lostandforgotten, and welcome to our family. You'll find many people who understand, as well as a lot of information and lessons on BPD and communication tools.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having your wife leave is hard enough, but you have the added difficulty of taking over sole care of your two children. That is a huge responsibility. Not only that, but you see the effects of her confusing push/pull and even frightening behavior on them. You love your children dearly, and you want what's best for them.
No wonder you feel overwhelmed and crushed! That's a whole lot to be dealing with.
It's great that you recognized your oldest son's depression and that he's in therapy. You're obviously devoted to and observant of your children. They're lucky to have such a supportive, caring dad.
I know it's devastating to realize not only the extent of your wife's behavior, but that you didn't know it while it was happening. Please don't be hard on yourself for not knowing the depth of it until recently. You knew there were problems, and you made sure that your children had at least one stable, supportive parent. You were working when these things happened - your children didn't tell you about it - and you did everything you could to protect your children when you were at home.
None of us here can diagnose your wife, of course. But a lot of what you've described does sound like BPD traits and behavior. Three of the 'defining' traits of BPD are inability to regulate emotions, feelings of emptiness (no sense of self), and deep fears of abandonment and engulfment.
Below is the Mayo Clinic definition of BPD. Does this description remind you of your wife? Are these persistent patterns in her life?
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
* Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
* Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
* Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
* Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
* Fear of being alone
~
excerpt from Borderline Personality Disorder article
Learning about BPD will be very helpful for when you have to deal with her. It will also help with understanding the dynamic between your children and their mother.
I would also recommend the
Family law, divorce, and custody boards here, for any questions you might have about financial and legal issues. You'll find a lot of information and advice on how to handle legal proceedings when a person with BPD (pwBPD) is involved.
I'm glad you found us,
lostandforgotten. You don't have to go this alone.
