Is it really co-dependent to stay?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a little thought as a result of my recent focus on co-dependency.

Reading various threads on this website, I have got the impression that many people think that staying in a BPD-non relationship is co-dependent by definition. I wonder if it isn't the relationship that's co-dependent, but the behaviours themselves. I'm wondering if it is only co-dependent to stay in such a relationship if you are not working for personal growth alongside that relationship. I'm wondering this because I have grown more through this 'co-dependent' relationship, than through any other relationship I have ever been in.

What do you think?

Love Lifewriter x

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Good question.

There is a difference between co-dependent and inter-dependent. I think most relationships are inter-dependent, but not all are co-dependent.

I think the goal of staying is to be inter-dependent without being enmeshed or co-dependent. We can work on co-dependency while being in a relationship. In fact, sometimes the issues in a relationship can give us a project for which to work on our own co-dependency. For instance, if something our SO does triggers feelings in us, we can look at ourselves from the perspective of why.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Notwendy,

I know what you are saying. I can see that staying and working through the issues could have massive payoffs in terms of emotional health for both parties if both parties are working through their own stuff.

My regret is that I can not yet process my learning fast enough to prevent my BPDxbf and I from breaking up. The pattern seems to be this:

I get triggered and cut off emotionally. He notices and tries to draw me in. I pull away further. He freaks out and screams abandonment and has a go at me. I decide I don't want to take his blame anymore. We break up.

All because I can't figure out what I feel fast enough to talk it through with him and prevent the worst from happening. It seems that we can only process our stuff apart at this stage in our journey, but I wish it could have been otherwise.

Love Lifewriter

[Cloudy Days]

I don't think it is co-dependent to stay, it is codependent to keep the dysfunctional dynamic going on.  I have grown so much as a person, learned so much about myself and what I want out of life. If I wasn't in this relationship I don't know where I would have ended up but I don't think I would have had this much growth as a person. I was emotionally immature when I married my husband, I was always very mature in other ways, did the right thing, very smart, saved money, acted like a grown up at age 16. But I was clingy to my friends and afraid of abandonment. They treated me pretty bad at times and I would take them back easily, sounds like my relationship with my husband.

I know now though that I don't need him and I don't really need anyone that is going to treat me like crap. I have gotten rid of the biggest culprit from my two friends, I really think she was a bit of a Narcissist because of how she treated me. I was only in 6th grade when I met her so I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Anyways to get to my point, my husband has made me a stronger person. I can't say that I would choose to go through everything he put me through if I could go back but I know I am a better person for knowing him.

[Notwendy]

Don't be hard on yourself  


These kinds of changes take a lot of work and are not necessarily quick. Our co-dependency patterns were most likely learned in childhood and we have been doing them long before we became aware of them.

We choose people who fit us emotionally at some level. If one person changes and grows, both people may not fit as well. Changing ourselves with intent to change someone else isn't as effective- and that itself is co-dependent- acting with intent to change someone else, but the change in fit can prompt change in another person, or that person may choose to look for someone with a better fit.

For many people, change happens when the person "hits bottom". For an alcoholic, that bottom can be the result of a drinking binge, loss of family, or job. When the alcoholic is in partnership with a co-dependent- enabler, that person may not hit bottom. The co-dependent may be so focused on keeping him/her comfortable, not rocking the boat, that the drinker doesn't experience the consequence of drinking.

However, the co-dependent may hit bottom first. It may not be a substance abuse bottom, but the emotional chaos, depression, feeling overwhelmed, and the sense that they have lost themselves. It can be that the co-dependent seeks help first. I think the person seeking help is the most willing to change.

You and your ex were in a sort of "dance"- each triggering something in the other- and you go round in circles until one of you decides to grow. It is easy to stay in that dance because in some way it is comfortable and predictable, yet it also doesn't feel good to be in that pattern.

I know it is hard to be broken up, and it is sad. The silver lining to this is that you have the chance to grow and focus on yourself. This growth can help you in all your relationships. And, since we tend to match with people who are our emotional equals, imagine the payoff in the future of this growth. If you change the steps you do in that dysfunctional dance, it could be that the available dance partners for that dance don't match you.

If we escape our relationship issues by starting a new one while we are in it, or too soon after one has ended, then we risk re-creating the same issues in the next one. Taking the time to grow is a good investment in you.

[Anise]

We choose people who fit us emotionally at some level. If one person changes and grows, both people may not fit as well. Changing ourselves with intent to change someone else isn't as effective- and that itself is co-dependent- acting with intent to change someone else, but the change in fit can prompt change in another person, or that person may choose to look for someone with a better fit.

This is so true.  Thank you for this, today.