Detaching from them after they leave you.

[StandingTall]

Is it really that simple for them to leave an not look back. Does going into a new relationship make them oblivious to the hurt they cause the person they said they loved. Promised a life time with … the build up stage to leave is it quick or a long process for most…. I am having a hard time with the loss and  a hard time with NC from her and NC from myself. I reached out an got nothing in return. She made a big move returning the engagement ring but she couldn't face me herself. Why would she not want to face me if she was ending us? the relationship is lost i understand that but the questions keep rolling through. I have no regrets but i have questions

[enlighten me]

Hi Standing tall

There are so many questions I also still have. Its perfectly natural.

Whether they completely forget about us when they enter a new relationship I don't know. My best guess is yes to a certain extent. I know when I got into another relationship I pretty much forgot about my ex. Especially in the honeymoon period.

A lot of the behaviour is the same as ours. For some of it you can gain insight by looking at how you behaved in the same situation.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi StandingTall,

The loss from when a relationship ends so abruptly can be devastating. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is really tough to understand when someone promised you a life and all of a sudden no longer wants that with you. When you invest so much time and love into a relationship, it is understandable to have a hard time with loss.  

In my opinion, I do not think it is simple for a pwBPD to leave and not look back. PwBPD are constantly coping with their intense emotions. Granted the method and style of coping with emotions tends to be maladaptive. Negative emotions/feelings are like kryptonite for a pwBPD. The standard method of coping with negative emotions/emotional dysregulation is avoidance, escape, withdraw, and impulsive behaviors.  This behavior becomes reinforced over time, because it is an immediate remedy. It temporarily decreases the negative emotions. The problem is avoidance, withdrawl, escape, impulsive behaviors, does not have a permanent effect on well being and the painful feelings will still be there in the future. Often these types of maladaptive behavior tend to causes more problems.

Painful emotions do not disappear permanently. PwBPD will be faced with them again. Facing the emotions and accompanying behavior, adds to their internal feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. Many times a pwBPD will split themselves black. This exacerbates self-loathing and reinforces a self-fulfilling prophecy with self-sabotage.  A pwBPD hates themselves more than you ever could. They tend to avoid their feelings/emotions associated with their behavior because of their shame and guilt.

Unfortunately, there are a ton of unanswered questions when a relationship ends this way.  Mainly that is because the ambivalent behaviors are illogical.  It does not make sense for someone to want to marry you a few days prior and then push you away and not want to talk to you. Erratic behavior and emotions are not normative.

What is the hardest part of the loss and NC for you?

[StandingTall]

Here is an email i wrote to her  last jan-

I have never been more disappointed in anything my life... .Our relationship has become something you and I both should not be proud of.  I love you and I trusted that when we talked countless times there would be actions to follow. The only actions that have followed were ones opposing our talks... .This has happened time and time again to the point it has become the biggest issue in my life... .I left those talks emotionally drains and depleted of all of my energy... .  You left those talks promising change and responding with actions that proved time in and time out to be a direct insult to our talks... .You have made me feel helpless and lost in this relationship... .Love has always been there but in the face of emotional strain being spoken to you,  you have chosen to forget love and continue destroying what has made us work... .I have changed for you and given you  everything... .It's time you  either recognize my effort and your lack of emotional response in the form of actions they can no longer be differed until the next talk... .I wasn't a lair when I told you  I can not talk this anymore  I was honest... .And all that has done has made you  push harder and be more nasty... .I am sorry for what I said I have never left you and apologize if things don't change and change quickly no talks will matter anymore... .I'm  not threatening you,  just saying want made us,  US is the ability to listen an adapt... .I love you but if you  think you  can continue treating me like this your  wrong... .Unconditionally I will always love you that is and never will be a lie... .

This is suppose to be 50/50 start acting like it... .Trust fades with your attitude an mood and I pay the price consistently.

You  have fought me for the last time,  start actions that dictate your  desires and prove can say something an do it




the hardest part is the promises i believed to get us to be stronger- The NC makes me feel like i never mattered to her and that i was all fake- I ignored red flags and it hurt me to be so loving an so trusting in the intense relationship that all efforts were lost  on someone who didn't appreciated what we had even though i was fooled to thinking she did 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Standing-

Is it really that simple for them to leave an not look back. Does going into a new relationship make them oblivious to the hurt they cause the person they said they loved. Promised a life time with … the build up stage to leave is it quick or a long process for most…. I am having a hard time with the loss and  a hard time with NC from her and NC from myself. I reached out an got nothing in return.

You could do that too, develop the psychological tools to compartmentalize and project, and focus forward in denial of the past.  You could do that, develop ways to avoid emotions you don't want to feel, but for someone who experiences emotions that are just too strong to deal with it becomes mandatory, not a choice.  Feeling things all the way through, processing them, is the way to rid yourself of them, grow from them, add the experience to who you are, the right way; denial and avoidance are the wrong way, and we've all done plenty of both, but at least we have a choice while some folks see no other choice.

She made a big move returning the engagement ring but she couldn't face me herself. Why would she not want to face me if she was ending us? the relationship is lost i understand that but the questions keep rolling through. I have no regrets but i have questions

BPD is a shame-based disorder.  She couldn't go where you wanted to go, didn't think she was worthy or capable, had to flee to escape the emotions around that, felt ashamed, gave you back the ring because she'd feel more ashamed if she didn't.  My hallucination, you know her, maybe some of it fits?

[EaglesJuju]

the hardest part is the promises i believed to get us to be stronger- The NC makes me feel like i never mattered to her and that i was all fake- I ignored red flags and it hurt me to be so loving an so trusting in the intense relationship that all efforts were lost  on someone who didn't appreciated what we had even though i was fooled to thinking she did 

When someone does not want to talk to you or be in your life, it hurts like hell. There is no way to sugarcoat it. It's a mourning process similar to Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. It is a natural process to go through this.

In retrospect, things are going to seem as if they were all a lie and you were fooled, if you are perceiving her behavior as "normal." Up until the rift, as you said the relationship was loving and intense. Thinking about it this way, you did matter to her. If you did not matter or she did not love you, she would not have stayed in the relationship so long. I imagine that at many points in your relationship you did not question if she loved you and the times you thought she loved you most likely outweigh the times you thought otherwise. 

A pwBPD many times cannot appreciate or love themselves.  Their shame, guilt, self-loathing, intense emotions, inability to regulate emotions, impulsivity, and maladaptive behaviors overwhelm them. In this sense, it is very difficult for someone to juggle all this and appreciate someone fully. Promises can come and go when you are completely reliant on basing facts on feelings. Fromheeltoheal sums it up nicely with the way a pwBPD copes is a mandatory and instinctual. This is the way a pwBPD learns how to survive. At that moment nothing else matters, but escaping the emotional turmoil. 

This does not excuse hurtful behavior, but is way of understanding how many pwBPD behave and think.

[StandingTall]

the hardest part is the promises i believed to get us to be stronger- The NC makes me feel like i never mattered to her and that i was all fake- I ignored red flags and it hurt me to be so loving an so trusting in the intense relationship that all efforts were lost  on someone who didn't appreciated what we had even though i was fooled to thinking she did 

When someone does not want to talk to you or be in your life, it hurts like hell. There is no way to sugarcoat it. It's a mourning process similar to Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. It is a natural process to go through this.

In retrospect, things are going to seem as if they were all a lie and you were fooled, if you are perceiving her behavior as "normal." Up until the rift, as you said the relationship was loving and intense. Thinking about it this way, you did matter to her. If you did not matter or she did not love you, she would not have stayed in the relationship so long. I imagine that at many points in your relationship you did not question if she loved you and the times you thought she loved you most likely outweigh the times you thought otherwise. 

A pwBPD many times cannot appreciate or love themselves.  Their shame, guilt, self-loathing, intense emotions, inability to regulate emotions, impulsivity, and maladaptive behaviors overwhelm them. In this sense, it is very difficult for someone to juggle all this and appreciate someone fully. Promises can come and go when you are completely reliant on basing facts on feelings. Fromheeltoheal sums it up nicely with the way a pwBPD copes is a mandatory and instinctual. This is the way a pwBPD learns how to survive. At that moment nothing else matters, but escaping the emotional turmoil. 

This does not excuse hurtful behavior, but is way of understanding how many pwBPD behave and think.

I understand she could'nt face me, but to say now you have closure and run to another guy to avoid----at some point she decided she was going an needed someone to go to- why would she not want to say how she feels or anything at all... .She kept saying she not herself shes terrified, empty , scared,  i am not ok.

Any interpretation on that?

[enlighten me]

Guilt, Shame, fear it could be anything.

A pwBPD cant help how they feel they can only help how they act. Sometimes we can trigger feelings in them that they cant explain or deal with. We may not have done anything wrong but that doesn't matter. Its about how they feel at that moment and that's what they react to.

This is what confused me with my exgf. She would argue and blow up about things that just confused me. I didn't understand what she was going on about half the time. I was trying to defend myself from the irrational. I now realise that it was almost never about what she was saying it was about how she was feeling. If something scared her earlier then it would come out that I had bought the wrong carrots. She needed to find a way to release the feelings and I was her stress ball.

The things she said were her trying to vocalise her mixed up feelings in the best way she was capable of. Its hard to explain something if you don't actually understand it.

[EaglesJuju]

I understand she could'nt face me, but to say now you have closure and run to another guy to avoid----at some point she decided she was going an needed someone to go to- why would she not want to say how she feels or anything at all... .She kept saying she not herself shes terrified, empty , scared,  i am not ok.

Any interpretation on that?

She is telling you how she feels by saying that she is terrified, empty, and scared. Those feelings and emotions are the catalyst for her behavior. She is reacting to those feelings and for a pwBPD emotions trump everything.  

PwBPD tend to have fears of abandonment and engulfment. When you have fears of abandonment, the thought of your partner leaving you is terrifying. The emotions and feelings associated with abandonment are learned to be avoided at all costs. The feelings/emotions associated with abandonment are what Masterson (1988) refers to as "abandonment depression." Abandonment depression is comprised of feelings of depression, rage, panic, guilt, helplessness (hopelessness), and emptiness.  Essentially, a pwBPD has a poorly established "real self."  To protect themselves from abandonment depression, a pwBPD is dominated by a false self, which is a rigid way of protecting themselves through self-destructive behavior. When you are going through life, not knowing who you are and your identity is attached to your partner, the fear of that being taken away is almost like death for someone who suffers from BPD.When a fear of abandonment is triggered, a pwBPD will become clingy.  This is what is referred to as the "push" in a push/pull cycle. Allowing a false self to dominate your life, results in low self-esteem.  Low self-esteem coupled with shame and guilt, build up to eventual self-loathing.

Many times a pwBPD will push you away before you leave them. This tends to be a fear of rejection, which is associated to abandonment fears. The rationality behind that is a pwBPD has so much self-loathing and shame, they assume that you will see how "horrible" they are eventually leave them.

The fear of engulfment is when a pwBPD is related to a fear that their identity or sense of self, is being controlled, lost, or suffocated by another person. In this instance, a pwBPD tends to distance themselves from their partner.

Regardless of a pwBPD is either distancing themselves through fear of engulfment or clinging through fear of abandonment, one thing tends to be certain, relationships and intimacy trigger both fears.  The emotions attached to fear of abandonment and engulfment are what drives the behavior of pushing or pulling.

A pwBPD who is not self-aware has no idea why they do the things they do. It is normal for them to behave in certain ways.

Avoidance and escape does not necessarily mean that she will run to another guy to soothe her fears. Avoidance is a response to her emotions/feelings.