Lies and Distortions

[AVR1962]

It's now been a couple months since my BPD daughter (34) took me off her FB page as friends along with her husband and my two grand daughter. If you read and recall, I did not know why. I did try to contact her with no reply. Well, I found out thru another family member what she is telling family and friends. She is claiming I sent an email to a family member which was offensive and that I partially blocked her on FB and so she could not longer deal with me. I did neither of the things she accused me of. This is typical of my daughter... .you name it, I have been falsely accused. I do not even know where she gets the stuff she accuses me of. I was shocked but not shocked when I was told. I figured it was yet another assumption that she was passing around as gospel.

I have forgiven time and time again but her actions towards me are always the same. This time I have to change my way of dealing with the situation. I did email her and let her know I was told why she took me off FB, no names mentioned. I let her know that I did not do these things which I think in her head I am lying or making excuses but it is not the case and this has gone on far too long with me repeatedly forgiving and trying to move on but we never really move on.

This morning I came across this by Trent Shelton and I thought I would share, "The more chances you give someone the less respect they will start to have for you. They'll begin to ignore the standards that you've set because they'll know another chance will always b given. They're not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won't walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you."

I have decided it is time for me to go no contact with my daughter, it hurts me to do this but I see it as my only option now. Unless, or until, she can see her part of this and what she is doing we cannot have a relationship. I cannot be her target for blame any longer. This has been insane to deal with thru the years.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry that you are going through this AVR

I personally think that social media is doing more harm than good when it comes to our BPD children/adult children.  Therefore I do not have a FB account and never plan to. 

Getting sucked into the drama that takes place there is not something I am willing to do.  Is there a particular incident that set this distortion campaign into motion?  Or is this a reflection of your relationship with your daughter that has been ongoing?

My daughter is currently upset with me because I walked away from her when she was throwing a temper tantrum over being held financially accountable for her dog's vaccinations... .I am now a "bad mother".  Never mind that we had just gotten back from me dropping everything to go take the dog and I paid the vet bill,   and I spent 2 days helping her clean her house and do some repairs, stayed with her because her boyfriend moved out and she was very sad... .wiped her tears... .on and on.

I told her when she gets into wisemind I will be here to support her as always.  I give her about 2 days before she calls me.

lbj

[Pabs]

Oh my goodness,

I understand. I have been there. And forgiven thousands of times. And then I always think she has changed. But she hasn't. I am not going to communicate with my daughter anymore either.

In reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I realize there needs to be terms of engagement in the future if we are to be around each other. I will not be compromised any more. I told her this the other day. This is the last time. Are you sure you want to do this?

I love your quote. "The more chances you give someone the less respect they will start to have for you. They'll begin to ignore the standards that you've set because they'll know another chance will always b given. They're not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won't walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you."

I totally agree with this quote.

Take care, and concentrate on yourself. I've spent years trying to figure out how to help this daughter of mine - both daughters of mine. And then I remember, I loved though tough times in my home growing up. They can do it too... .should they choose to do so.

Anyway, we will not be victims. Best to you, Pabs

[Thursday]

The more chances you give someone the less respect they will start to have for you. They'll begin to ignore the standards that you've set because they'll know another chance will always be given. They're not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won't walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you."

Hi AVR- The above is about how people won't respect someone they can walk over or stomp on... .in a nutshell!

For me and my husband, one of the turning points with my dx BPDSD24 came when we stopped enabling her. And she quickly learned at that point that we did have boundaries that we would not allow to be infringed upon and slowly but surely she cleaned up her act and quit the lying and manipulating and taking advantage of our generosity because it didn't allow her to gain anything to do so.

One thing we never did though, was going no contact. We just stuck to our position and maintained patience and love and validated her and used SET with her.  I'm not saying this is what you should do, I'm not saying no contact isn't a decent idea for your situation or that it won't be helpful, I'm just saying that we never went there and to be honest, now that she has gained a significant amount of mastery of herself, now that she has matured more she has the respect for us that we deserve. I can't say she always treats the world this way- sometimes she is just plain mean to other people but she doesn't inflict that on us anymore. We learned to have very, very thick skins and very, very, very low expectations but tried always to communicate our love for her and to continue to be generous with our time and our kindness towards her so long as she didn't cross our boundaries.

We did figure out along the way that so long as she could "trick us" or bamboozle us or lie to us and have our trust when she didn't deserve it or tell us that she was needing money for this or that and it was really for something else she didn't appreciate our kindness... .instead she felt like we were stupid and, well, trickable.

She was always welcomed to come home for a visit but not allowed to bring home strangers. If she did want to arrive with a friend in tow it had to be with 24 hour notice and it had to be someone we had met and had a conversation with and if it was someone we didn't approve of, we would tell her not to bring them. If she showed up at the door with someone we would tell the person that SD had violated our house rules and that we were sorry but they had to wait in her car. I would imagine this didn't make her a very popular girl with the people she had in and out of her life. This is just an example of one of our boundaries. It might not apply at all to your situation.

Social media- dangerous place to interact with your loved one with BPD... .upsetting to read what they have to say about us and to see how they are working/ destroying their friendships and how careless they can be about what they allow the world to see and think. Upsetting for us to see the pictures she would post - using drugs, lots of boobage, lots of making out with girls to give boys a rise, etc.  Who needs to see that? I know because we went there... .it gave us an advantage to be more aware of how she was behaving but it was hurtful.

Social media can be a lovely thing- a great way for family to stay in touch, for old friends to find each other. Some folks need to stay connected for sake of their jobs so you may not really be able to choose the option of not using Facebook but just be aware that a connection with your loved one might be fraught with danger, might be too hard to cope with what you will no doubt see there. So again, if you don't have a very thick skin it might be best not to friend her.

We tried very hard not to make our relationship with her contentious. Sometimes she would take our boundaries as a throw-down... .but we would try to explain the reasons for our boundaries using examples of how not having a specific boundary didn't work out for us. The thing about her not bringing home friends that we didn't know came after being robbed several times. SD was is a recovering addict and sometimes brought home the absolute scum of humanity.

Things are really good between us now. She is doing well in her life thanks to AA and her commitment to the changes she made when she got sober. And things in the past were really about as terrible as what you are describing with your daughter.

Hang in there- things can actually get better. Maybe a committed change on your part (such as no contact) can be the beginning of the wake up call for her. I am always a bit scared though, that no contact can be the beginning of the end if what you are hoping for is to get back together at some point... .

Hope things get better for you soon.

Thursday

[AVR1962]

Sorry that you are going through this AVR

I personally think that social media is doing more harm than good when it comes to our BPD children/adult children.  Therefore I do not have a FB account and never plan to. 

Getting sucked into the drama that takes place there is not something I am willing to do.  Is there a particular incident that set this distortion campaign into motion?  Or is this a reflection of your relationship with your daughter that has been ongoing?

My daughter is currently upset with me because I walked away from her when she was throwing a temper tantrum over being held financially accountable for her dog's vaccinations... .I am now a "bad mother".  Never mind that we had just gotten back from me dropping everything to go take the dog and I paid the vet bill,   and I spent 2 days helping her clean her house and do some repairs, stayed with her because her boyfriend moved out and she was very sad... .wiped her tears... .on and on.

I told her when she gets into wisemind I will be here to support her as always.  I give her about 2 days before she calls me.

lbj

I do think there is a connection to an incident, although not mentioned by her. We have been living overseas for over 7 years. BPD daughter's sister (my middle daughter) had been over a few times to visit and I think my oldest wanted me to help with a visit as much as I had helped middle daughter. Summer of 2014, oldest and her family visited and I helped with a good portion of expenses. We were actually supposed to stay one more year but cut our time short, wanting to be closer to family. When we did BPD daughter voiced her disappointment and said that they had planned one more visit before we left. Then after that she became upset that we put down our 20 year old cat with renal failure. She told me that it made her mad when I told her that we were going to have to put her down. The cat had suffered with kidney failure for six years. I was hand feeding this cat in the end. She weighed only 4 1/2 lbs the day she was taken to the vet. She was so weak that she could not even stay standing. After that any updates I gave her on the move she would not reply to. Then her stepbrother, my husband's son, put out wedding invitations (getting married this Sat). He made a point to give our daughter still living at home and my husband each their own invitation and then emailed my husband requesting I not attend. Husband had full custody of his sons and I have been with him since the boys were 5 & 7, I raised them, they called me mom.

The story is real tangled. There had been incest among the kids which came out thru the girls. I refer to it as incest as the kids were raised as brothers and sisters. I protected and supported the girls. All this came out several year back after the incest had stopped. The boys lied, ran, pointed fingers, called me and the girls liars. I was furious and wanted justice for my daughters. It all divided the family, my side against husband's. By squeezing the oldest boy's head a bit (not literally) but I had informed his grand father (without details ) and told him this was why I had been avoiding family functions, he had asked. He then confronted the boys, the oldest confessed... .said that he knew what h was doing was wrong but he could not stop himself. I would have thought that would have layed everything to rest but boy was I wrong. The oldest boy has not been able to face me since, of course I am blamed for everything and called all kinds of crazy names, basically he can't face me cause he can't face himself and what he did, he carries guilt and doesn't want to face tat guilt o instead he places anger and judgement against me to hide his own garbage.

My oldest daughter (another twist) has been one thru the years to run to her siblings and knock me down an say bad things to them to get them to side with her and against me and despite the abuse she claimed stepson and daughter have remained in contact, now with them both teaming up against me. I have been labeled as narcissistic, being mental unstable, a sociopath so in another way there seems to been another split in the family, those who support my daughter and those who support me which is crazy but it is what it is.

When stepson made the obvious exclusion of me to his wedding, at first I took it well. Told husband I had no intentions of going anyway and just walked away from it. I should have left it at that but I did not and this was my mistake. I put on FB (stepson in not a friend with me on FB) mentioning the fun of being a step family and that I had not been invited to stepson's wedding. I mentioned it was upsetting, these boys had violated my daughters. I warned my daughters and then I realized my 2 grand daughters were also on FB and it might not be good for hem to see the post so I took it off and immediate apologized to my daughter. I did not hear back from her. So I have a part in his too, my own anger and upset that I posted on my page. Had lots of great replies and wonderful support from friends but that wasn't the reason for posting and in the end of it all, it was not good.

I spoke to a counselor, as I have not understood why after daughter claimed she was abused by stepson why she would stay in touch and be so defensive towards him, it has not made since or years but I think she summed it up well. BPDs have to be #1 and here this this person that has supported her and she has supported him thru childhood, a team against mom. He is now getting married which is going to rob daughter of her #1 spot in her mind with her step brother (twist) so she has to get in good with his new wife and retain that top spot with him... .I love you, I hate you, don't leave me thing.

I have no idea if she is even fully aware that she is making up things about me but they have created a great deal of damage and she can be quite cunning. So I have decided I am stepping away. As long as she continues to make up garbage and spread it around like am nothing but sewer left overs we cannot have a relationship. I held strong to support her when she came out with the abuse and now she back to making up trash and feeding that to family, that's how I found out what happened. Even though she claims it's because of FB, I think she got upset when she realized she wasn't going to get another partly paid vacation for her and her family to Europe. My daughter uses people and I think she was being nice to me to get what she wanted and when she realized it fell thru I became the bad person  and the rest of the stuff on top pf it gave her reason in her mind to use it as an excuse to cut me off.

[AVR1962]

Oh my goodness,

I understand. I have been there. And forgiven thousands of times. And then I always think she has changed. But she hasn't. I am not going to communicate with my daughter anymore either.

In reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I realize there needs to be terms of engagement in the future if we are to be around each other. I will not be compromised any more. I told her this the other day. This is the last time. Are you sure you want to do this?

I love your quote. "The more chances you give someone the less respect they will start to have for you. They'll begin to ignore the standards that you've set because they'll know another chance will always b given. They're not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won't walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you."

I totally agree with this quote.

Take care, and concentrate on yourself. I've spent years trying to figure out how to help this daughter of mine - both daughters of mine. And then I remember, I loved though tough times in my home growing up. They can do it too... .should they choose to do so.

Anyway, we will not be victims. Best to you, Pabs

I have never been one of those types to feel like someone owes me something and especially not an apology bu in this case if daughter and I are ever to go on she needs to voice what she realizes are her mistakes in our relationship. Making up stuff and telling it to other people, in my opinion, is purposely malicious. At times I have felt I was going to lose my mind dealing with all the hear-say, it utterly shocks me, as she pulls this stuff out of nowhere, puts a tiny bit of truth it and then sins the rest of it. She goes to those who will support her like her step brother and my ex-husband and then there is this grapevine of gossip that gets back to me time and time again as to what my daughter is saying behind my back. I can step away this time and realize she has some real issues and I realize there is nothing I can do to help her.

[lbjnltx]

I remember your post about the r/s between your d and stepson... .so very sad.  The ongoing contact seems to be their way of not owning up to their individual roles in what took place.  Teaming up against you reminds me of the saying "the enemy of my enemy is my friend". 

I didn't worry much about what my d used to say about me to her friends or on FB because she was a walking contradiction... .saying how bad a mom I was and then turning around and asking if I would talk to her friends parents to help them with family issues and asking if a friend having family problems could stay with us... .because "my mom understands" 

I just kept reminding myself that this is her way of coping with her intense emotions and need to place blame outside herself.  She did not have the skills at the time to deal with her pain.  I was the safe person to take it out on because I would not abandon her.  Through it all I protected myself with boundaries and remained constant in them as well as supporting my daughter in healthy ways.

We are very close now.  She still struggles at times with projecting and I still keep the same boundaries.  As Thursday mentioned, I also kept the door open for the relationship based on healthy structure and boundaries.  I don't give free passes, I hold her accountable in a loving and supportive way.

If she chooses not to respect my boundaries then she also chooses the consequences that come with it.  Once more... .it is on her.

lbj