Divorce after 21 years

[Teereese]

 

I found this site and immediately thanked whaever search led me here.

I am 43 and in the middle of divorcing my alcoholic/drug abusing BPD husband of 21 years. It is a gut wrenching experience so far.

We attempted counseling several times over the years with horrible results. The last time, I took to heart when I made and accepted realization that all my love and efforts would never be enough and this was his illness. I resolved to work on being codependent and from there, it all fell apart, as it was meant too.

I have dealt with him abandoning myself and the children time and time again, reckless behavior (road rage, starting fights, threatening) and multiple threats of suicide over the years.

I am his trigger and target for anger, blame, mind games, guilt, projection, gaslighting ... .you name it. He has gone to family, friends and even friends of my past to spread lies and venom. It is amazing how I have found out who really is there for me/knows me and who does not.

I allowed myself to be isolated for years. I allowed myself to put his needs, wants and issues before my own for years. Now, with him gone, I am quite disappointed in myself. The clarity and peace of him being out of the home is life changing.

My oldest daughter became a trigger and target as well. My younger daughter was targeted by him to share his vile words and thoughts until she finally opened up to me about his use of her.

I have minimized contact and had him blocked from phone and text for a couple of weeks. We have to communicate to get through this divorce, but it is minimal, to the point and kept on subject on my end.

He attempts  to pull me back into his madness with guilt trips, anger and control over his financial, health, etc. I no longer bite.

I realize that my expectations of him were not realistic. He did not have the ability to provide things that I expected and needed.

I rationalized and justified his behaviors because he had a horrible childhood full of abuse and abandonment. I seriously thought if I provided and showed him all the things he never had, he would change. I saw the red flags and remained. I chose this for myself.

My children and I now have a lot of healing to do.

My focus now is getting through the divorce so that I can move on.

[Herodias]

So sorry you are going through this... .This is the place to be for understanding and advice. It's hard to believe someone can be so horrible, but unfortunately there seems to be many of them out there. You have come to the right place... .Keep your mantra being "move on, move on, move on"... .It takes time and allot of tears, but you will become strong again when you learn all there is to know. It's not your fault, you did all you could do... .don't let it happen any more. Take care of your kids and yourself first... .knowledge is your best defense now. Best wishes.

[Learning_curve74]

Teereese, while I'm sorry to hear why you're here, I still wanted to say hi and wish you a warm welcome to the community. 

Like you, I came to the realization that while I could be as kind, compassionate, and loving to my ex, it was always her choice to change and heal, something out of my control. I've come to realize that she was not a good choice for a loving life partner that would add to my life, but it still hurt to give up on the dream of "happily ever after".

How are you doing right now? Do you have a support network to lean on?

[Dobzhansky]

Hang in there and remember you are surrounded by people who care - especially here.  I am somewhat of a Newbie, too.  I have found a great deal of support and was able to come away from it with finally understanding I was not crazy and that this definitely was not normal.

I would say follow the advice here.  Search, read the lessons, and keep coming back.  It helps.

[enlighten me]

Hi Teereese

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry that you have been put through all this and are still having to deal with it.

Its good that your children have opened up to you.

There are a lot of useful articles here. It might be worth having a look at the following.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

On the leaving board

And

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

on the family law, divorce and custody board.

At times we need to vent and chat to people who get what were going through and have been through. Ive found this site to be excellent for that.

Keep posting as it does help.

EM

[Terle]

Amazing that you are moving on! You sound like you are doing whats best for both u and the kids, so great.

[Teereese]

Thank you all for welcoming me.

Herodias, I appreciate your kind words. Every day I just keep moving forward.

Learning_curve74, I have strong support right now. I am trying to make sure that I do not overburden or lean on them too much. I feel that this is a good start for outside support.

Dobzhansky, I truly relate to so much of what is posted here.

enlighten me, thank you. I have been keeping busy with everything else in life during the week. This shall be my weekend get away.

Terle, I am and most days it feels so right. I have moments that are a struggle but am finding balance easier as I move along.

[dupchek4me]

Wow.   Your history sounds like mine, only mine was 30 years.  Still not divorced, fighting continues on that.   The two daughters and I escaped 6 years ago.   All that you say is exactly what i went through.   Make a list of Positives in your life and concentrate on them to blow away the FOG.  You take care of yourself and your daughters.   Protect you and them.