Always feeling guilty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there ... I'm new to this... I am recently separated from my ex with a mood disorder. We have a 20 month old daughter and I have recent learned that I am a very codependent person.

I've been a huge enabler for my ex who not only has a mood disorder, but has abused drugs and alcohol and is extremely emotionally abusive.

I find myself feeling overwhelmingly guilty for leaving him most of the time. I'm working with a therapist as well as a hypnotherapist, meditating, keeping active and healthy, reading all the self help books... But I find some days I'm so sad and consumed with thoughts of "what if I had... .What if this... What if that... "

I did grow up in a dysfunctional home... Not abusive but definitely dysfunction. I am the youngest of 3 by 10 years. I've always taken on the role of fixer with my family members, so I think I lost a sense of self at a very young age. It makes a lot of sense why I allowed the abuse of my ex to go on and on.

Is anyone else out there having these guilty thoughts and feelings? I just want to know that I'm not alone and that people do come out of this and become the person they were meant to be.

-A

[Grace25]

Hi there ... I'm new to this... I am recently separated from my ex with a mood disorder. We have a 20 month old daughter and I have recent learned that I am a very codependent person.

I've been a huge enabler for my ex who not only has a mood disorder, but has abused drugs and alcohol and is extremely emotionally abusive.

I find myself feeling overwhelmingly guilty for leaving him most of the time. I'm working with a therapist as well as a hypnotherapist, meditating, keeping active and healthy, reading all the self help books... But I find some days I'm so sad and consumed with thoughts of "what if I had... .What if this... What if that... "

I did grow up in a dysfunctional home... Not abusive but definitely dysfunction. I am the youngest of 3 by 10 years. I've always taken on the role of fixer with my family members, so I think I lost a sense of self at a very young age. It makes a lot of sense why I allowed the abuse of my ex to go on and on.

Is anyone else out there having these guilty thoughts and feelings? I just want to know that I'm not alone and that people do come out of this and become the person they were meant to be.

-A

[unicorn2014]

Hi   Grace25 and welcome! 

I can definitely relate to parts of your story.

When my daughter was 4.5 I asked her father to leave and divorced him. He suffers from untreated bipolar, abuses drugs, has sociopathic traits.

You asked about the guilt. There is something people with BPD do called FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. Its their way of trying to control other people. You can read about it in the lessons. Its pretty deep into the lessons. A good place to start is learning about BPD behaviors. Have you had any time to look around the site yet?

[Mutt]

I've been a huge enabler for my ex who not only has a mood disorder, but has abused drugs and alcohol and is extremely emotionally abusive.

Hi Grace25,



I think that's important that you identified your role as a fixer and helper. It's not uncommon for a pwBPD to have a concurring substance abuse. A criterion for BPD is self destructive behaviors that can prompt rescue and illicit feelings of obligation and guilt with a caretaker, we can create workable solutions and change our behaviors in our relationships.

A form of thinking are "should statements" and self criticizing with thoughts of "I should have done this"  "I shouldn't have done that" You can fix your thought patterns once that you have identified them.