I love her but pushed her away. I want her back.

[packersfan90]

Hello everyone. I've been absolutely obsessed with this forum for the past two days–you are all so kind and knowledgable, and reading your posts has gotten me out of a big depressive spiral. I'd like to get your advice.

My dxBPDgf is the first and only girl I've ever loved. I'm 29, she's 24. She didn't reveal her BPD diagnosis until well after we were done. We idolized each other for two years from afar (excuse the lack of detail but she might read this forum), but we only started dating about three months ago. Our honeymoon period, about two weeks starting with our first date, was the most intense romance I've ever experienced. It was blindingly clear to both of us that we were soulmates. We fell in love instantly, spending every night with each other just talking. We understood each other so easily and immediately that it seemed obvious that we would be together forever. We idolized and loved every single part of each other, warts and all. We felt alive with each other after years of being dead inside.

As her mood swings and trust issues started to come out, I started getting cold feet. Not knowing anything about BPD, I was the opposite of a supportive partner: I found her fears that I'd leave her absurd and fought back. I was an idiot. I was fickle. Then I said some things that must have been terrifying and devastating to her–that I thought we were moving too fast, etc. Just as I began to realize how much she meant to me, she told me that while she loved me, I clearly didn't want a relationship, so she was moving on to be with someone else. She went NC and I spent a week miserable, realizing how much I'd loved her and hating myself for my cruelty.

I reached back out to her and made some grand romantic gestures, apologizing for my idiocy and telling her she was the love of my life, that I wanted nothing more than to love and care for her forever. By then she'd dumped the new guy, but told me my rejection had killed all of her feelings. I spent a month growing more and more desperate to be with her as she grew less and less affectionate. She became cruel–insulting my skills in bed, rubbing my face in my past callousness, laughing at how pathetically she had acted before, doling out bits of affection to see my reaction. In turn, I responded by becoming more of a doormat–tearfully telling her I could handle her at her worst, that I'd do anything to be with her. In the end, she started dating a physically and emotionally abusive ex–the guy who inflicted the trauma she told me made her 'like this'. She told me she didn't love him and wouldn't be happy with him, but he would take care of her needs. She dangled him in front of me for a while before going NC and telling me that while we'd always be soulmates she had no romantic interest in me.

It probably sounds like I should just move on. Here's the thing–I love her. She's the first thing and last thing on my mind every day. I feel a pit in my stomach when I look at our old pictures or think of her with her new, evil boyfriend. I truly believe that we're soulmates and understand each other on a deeply spiritual level, and as such I can help her heal and grow in a way no one else can. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and I'm so afraid for her now. I realize I was the antithesis of the supportive, helpful nonBPD and made the exact wrong move every time, but I've learned so much reading about her condition, and I want to help her. I want to exercise all I've learned. If I just had another chance, I could be the perfect partner for her. If I had just found this forum earlier... .

I'm sorry for the novel. I realize this is an extreme long shot, but I'm willing to do anything for her. What do you think I should do now? How can I show her I'm wise to her games and am immune to them now, but still love her and want to help her? How can I maximize my odds for a recycle? I realize I should have had a spine, set boundaries with her and gone NC after she started abusing me. Clearly, that's no longer an option–we've been two weeks NC now. Thank you so much for reading all of this (if you have ), and I would be so grateful for any advice you might have. You've already helped me so much.

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[an0ught]

Hi packersfan,

I'm sorry for the novel. I realize this is an extreme long shot, but I'm willing to do anything for her. What do you think I should do now? How can I show her I'm wise to her games and am immune to them now, but still love her and want to help her? How can I maximize my odds for a recycle? I realize I should have had a spine, set boundaries with her and gone NC after she started abusing me. Clearly, that's no longer an option–we've been two weeks NC now. Thank you so much for reading all of this (if you have ), and I would be so grateful for any advice you might have. You've already helped me so much.

you are immune and at the same time willing to do anything. The problem is as long as you are willing to do anything you are not having solid boundaries and you are not immune. Not that you need to be immune (people on this board have been working on themselves for months or years to reach *some* degree of immunity) at this point but without acknowledging weakness you are setting yourself up for bigger trouble.

You are saying "I love her but pushed her away." but when I look at this:

I reached back out to her and made some grand romantic gestures, apologizing for my idiocy and telling her she was the love of my life, that I wanted nothing more than to love and care for her forever. By then she'd dumped the new guy, but told me my rejection had killed all of her feelings. I spent a month growing more and more desperate to be with her as she grew less and less affectionate. She became cruel–insulting my skills in bed, rubbing my face in my past callousness, laughing at how pathetically she had acted before, doling out bits of affection to see my reaction. In turn, I responded by becoming more of a doormat–tearfully telling her I could handle her at her worst, that I'd do anything to be with her. In the end, she started dating a physically and emotionally abusive ex–the guy who inflicted the trauma she told me made her 'like this'. She told me she didn't love him and wouldn't be happy with him, but he would take care of her needs. She dangled him in front of me for a while before going NC and telling me that while we'd always be soulmates she had no romantic interest in me.

It seems she has been abusive and pushing you away in the end.

She went back to her ex with whom she likely has a longer history (guess based on your 3 months and on the drama level in that other "abusive" relationship). This is going to be an uphill struggle. At the moment you are NC. So it may be worth looking into communication skills and practicing them (with anyone else around you) so if there is an opportunity to communicate you are doing better than in the past. See LESSONS and workshops on validation.

Still it will be a long shot.

[packersfan90]

Thank you so much for your reply, an0ught.

you are immune and at the same time willing to do anything. The problem is as long as you are willing to do anything you are not having solid boundaries and you are not immune. Not that you need to be immune (people on this board have been working on themselves for months or years to reach *some* degree of immunity) at this point but without acknowledging weakness you are setting yourself up for bigger trouble.

I see your point. I think I meant 'willing to do anything' in the 'all's fair in love and war' sense, though I'd be the first to acknowledge that I'm deeply weak around her.

She went back to her ex with whom she likely has a longer history (guess based on your 3 months and on the drama level in that other "abusive" relationship). This is going to be an uphill struggle. At the moment you are NC. So it may be worth looking into communication skills and practicing them (with anyone else around you) so if there is an opportunity to communicate you are doing better than in the past. See LESSONS and workshops on validation.

Still it will be a long shot.

Haha, good guess. Yes, they were together for two years. Crucially, they were forced apart by exogenous circumstances–for all he did to her, he never left her or rejected her in the way I did. I'll check out the resources you mentioned.

I guess one other thing that I should mention is that the reason we fell in love (though all of my friends and confidantes are adamant that what we had wasn't love) so quickly is that we shared almost every personality trait, both positive and negative. We finished each other's sentences when talking about taboo things I'd never spoken of with anyone else. On the negative side, we've both had trouble with lying, avoidance, emotional manipulation of others, substance abuse, striping (see my fickleness towards her). One of her stated reasons that she was going with ex-bf instead of me is that he was a better 'complement' to her–that too much of the same is poison for a relationship. I've started seeing a T for these issues and while I don't want to tell her that (surprise, she thinks Ts are all idiots), I do want to communicate that I'm committed to changing–not for her, but for myself.

The biggest stated reason she left me, though, is that she felt pressure to change, to be better with me. She looked up to me, she said, and would have tried to get out of her current parasitic, jobless, hoarding lifestyle if she were with me. In the honeymoon phase we often talked about me helping her get a job because, stupidly, I thought she genuinely wanted to get out of the house. Whereas with the amount of abuse her ex inflicted on her, she has no respect for him and thus can revel in her sickness around him, physically and emotionally abusing him without any pressure to get better. Said ex got back with her by stalking her (they were two years NC before this), prostrating himself and demonstrating his fealty with thousands of dollars of gifts and constant unannounced visits. I tried to do the same, but I guess better the doormat you know... .

I guess the reason I still hold out some hope is that she told me we shared something special. She told me that she's only ever loved me and abusive ex out of a whole menagerie of flings and orbiters (there are many, she lives rent-free in an apartment she shared forced one ex out of while getting her CC bills paid by another). We were obsessed with each other for so long before our romance was realized.

Right now my plan is to read up on the communication resources on this board, keep seeing my T, and write her a short letter. In the letter, I'll start by saying it is not to ask for her back, but to say some things I need to say and get some closure. I'll tell her I'm not proud of how I acted when she devalued me and laugh at how pathetic I was–it must have been nice to have someone you idealized but who rejected you reduced to nothing before your eyes–but thank her for showing me how to love after being dead for so long. I'll tell her that I think we could gain immeasurable happiness by being part of each other's lives, but that I need some time to work on myself for myself, and won't be contacting her for a while.

I know that sounds like a somewhat transparent effort to have it be ME going NC instead of HER, but it's the only idea I've got. Suggestions appreciated