Just trying to get through this

[Eyeamme]

I can not stop feeling guilty about not having contact with my 34yo BPD daughter and grandkids. It has been only a week but I feel awful. We live on opposite coasts but talked every day. I feel like I need to patch things up. She has her husband to lean on. She has been so verbally abusive that I feel like I have PTSD. I can't get it out of my mind. I have been going through this for so long not knowing why she has always had the need to put me down and diminish me. Now I know but knowing just makes me feel worse. It was easier to feel diminished then what this feels like. She is using my grandsons (2 and 5) to punish me by not letting me talk to them. I have gone NC to try to fix me. I feel like I just can't do anymore. I have been flying from East Coast to West Coast about every 3 months so she knows I love her. No more. I need to save me. I feel so guilty though.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel desperate.

J.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Have you read the book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? If not, I think it would be a very good read for you; it's my BPD "Bible" (has a very good Index in the back where you can look up the issues you are dealing with, though reading it all is the best thing to do).

I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this statement from the Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an

"Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

This is the kind of statement that could help you open up a door with your daughter to better communication with her in a way that won't hurt your own feelings anymore. This Workshop could be very helpful to you right now, to help you figure out how to navigate a relationship with her: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life? That Workshop has saved my relationship with my (non-BPD) son and his wife (who has, at least, BPD traits)  

One of the best communication techniques to use when dealing with our BPD loved ones is related to Validation, and is about using Support, Empathy & Truth, and is found here: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique. This is the best skill I've learned since finding this site, and I not only use it for communicating with my BPD loved ones, but with everyone in my life, actually.

And one more thing that I have found that has made a VERY big difference in how I figured out how to deal with my BPD loved ones is this: Radical Acceptance for family members... .When I was so tangled up in their feelings about me and their words to me, Radical Acceptance of their disordered thinking/feeling helped me to detach from their treatment of me and see the situation as it really is: it's more about them, and not me--it's about their disordered feelings/thinking, and I don't have to feel guilty about my own feelings.

You're in a tough, stressful and difficult situation, Eyeamme, but keep reading all you can on this site, and posting your questions about the difficulties you are having with your daughter. You will find things will get better as you learn more and apply what you learn... .Can you let us know what you think of the information at those (or some of those) links? Saving yourself in this whole thing is really the perfect strategy, and the links I've given you can really get you onto that road  

[Eyeamme]

Thanks so much. I am reading everything. :--)

[Butterflygirl]

     I can not stop feeling guilty . . .

Wayne Dyer said "Guilt is a useless emotion."

There is legitimate guilt and toxic guilt or codependent guilt. People use this to manipulate us. We are all doing the best we can and it is harmful to expect perfection from ourselves. Perfection arrives on our death bed. At that moment we are perfect.

I keep a journal listing things that I owe amends for and the kind of guilt that I have to let go because it is toxic and harmful. It does to my self-esteem what acid does to plastic.

Toxic guilt not only erodes my self-eteem, it makes me depressed. I have to keep an eye on toxic guilt like a tiger in a cage.

Forgive yourself for all your shortcomings, hold your head up high and come to terms with how wonderful you are "warts and all." [An AA expression.]

I love this expression. Years ago I was on tv and the angle they used showed a large wart on my chin. When I saw the film I kept saying to myself, "warts and all."

Welcome. Love yourself. Until you get there let us love you.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I can not tell you how much I appreciate them and need to read them. You am so tired.