Where do I start

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry if I ramble but I am completely lost, your forum has been helpful and I see much of what I've been through in others stories.

I met a girl three years ago found out early she had BP albeit not managed with meds not reviewed for 15years. She was a socialite and enjoyed the lifestyle and drinking that came with it. If I'm honest I feel head over heals with her based on a story of what she believed she is (Illusion #1) but there were red flags in the first year of what was to come. I ended up supporting her financially from the third week of the relationship at a very high level due to her lifestyle, my financial position is quiet strong so I didn't see that as a barrier, however it now is art of my greatest fear.

Yr 1 there were numerous incidence of her partying when I was not in town and conflict over why would I feel insecure even though she would go out drinking with friends for 12hr sessions when telling me she was at home. However our relationship when together was the best Id ever experienced exciting new and full of promise. In year 2 things changed she became more depressed and started accusing me of being unfaithful with everybody I looked sidewards at. She also became super needy calling me at work or if I was with my kids up to 12 times a day again suggesting that I was up to no good. This caused much angst between us and the arguments commenced. It was also around this period that I noticed that she only wanted to sleep till lunch then go to lunch with friends a total lack of motivation. We discussed this and she expressed a desire to grow so I offered to support her in whatever way she wanted to do this, I asked her to research what it was she wanted to do and get back to me. She never came up with any ideas and when I arranged for different councillors to come an talk to her about study options she rejected the appointments. In the last 12months she moved in full time with me, this has been a terrible time as I started to notice the real issues with her, a inability to follow through with anything she says and a total lack of motivation to develop or do anything fulfilling for herself. I started to take her to see three philologists and they diagnosed her as developing BPD with Nausosistic and schizophrenic tendencies. They suggested support and maybe some study courses, She and I have decided to send her on three personal development courses ranging in cost from $6k to $25k an each time she spent the time relaxing by the pool not attending classes and worse than that she used the courses to practise her I am abused wife story and that is why she hadn't developed (I only just found that out last week). In the last 12 months we have had 5 occasions whereby we've had a big argument she has flown home partied with her friends bagged me then come back all at my expense(Average $20k each time). This came to a had 7 weeks ago when we had our latest argument this time about her latest sickness and when I was out walking she called the police created a DV story and had me arrested. This cracked it for me and I asked her to move out, she spent 4 day at our friends telling them her abuse story but they got sick of her and asked her to leave. I was in shock and not answering my phone when she was desperate to come home so she had no choice but to go back to NZ.

For the last 6 weeks she has been in NZ telling everybody that I bashed her daily and raped her depraved her from being herself and stripped her confidence and independence (Ive only just found this out) meanwhile calling me every night abusing me for taking away her dream relationship. She asked for me to continue to support her financially so she could go to her doctor and get better, because of my feelings I have (Another $30k) however 2 weeks ago I was called by her doctor to say that she wanted to commence treatment on her and needed up front payment, appears she has not been seeing the doctor and has spent the money on who knows. I asked her to explain and her explanation was the relationship is over I have serious issues that she can no longer help me with and I should go get help. Before I could say anything she hung up and has blocked me (NC 2 weeks)

Now there a few issues here I understand co-dependency but the biggy right now I that for three year I have ben through hell for someone I genuinely love and right now I feel she has slammed the door and I don't understand why. I have so many unanswered questions that I need to process and she will not pick up the phone or respond to my emails. For the first time in three years I am angry and I don't know which way to turn.

Does anyone have any ideas of which was she may go from here, I am lost not able to get closure nor understand how someone can use someone like she has me love them then hate them all in such a short space of time

Id really appreciate the advice

[Didntdeservethat]

Sorry if I ramble but I am completely lost, your forum has been helpful and I see much of what I've been through in others stories.

I met a girl three years ago found out early she had BP albeit not managed with meds not reviewed for 15years. She was a socialite and enjoyed the lifestyle and drinking that came with it. If I'm honest I feel head over heals with her based on a story of what she believed she is (Illusion #1) but there were red flags in the first year of what was to come. I ended up supporting her financially from the third week of the relationship at a very high level due to her lifestyle, my financial position is quiet strong so I didn't see that as a barrier, however it now is art of my greatest fear.

Yr 1 there were numerous incidence of her partying when I was not in town and conflict over why would I feel insecure even though she would go out drinking with friends for 12hr sessions when telling me she was at home. However our relationship when together was the best Id ever experienced exciting new and full of promise. In year 2 things changed she became more depressed and started accusing me of being unfaithful with everybody I looked sidewards at. She also became super needy calling me at work or if I was with my kids up to 12 times a day again suggesting that I was up to no good. This caused much angst between us and the arguments commenced. It was also around this period that I noticed that she only wanted to sleep till lunch then go to lunch with friends a total lack of motivation. We discussed this and she expressed a desire to grow so I offered to support her in whatever way she wanted to do this, I asked her to research what it was she wanted to do and get back to me. She never came up with any ideas and when I arranged for different councillors to come an talk to her about study options she rejected the appointments. In the last 12months she moved in full time with me, this has been a terrible time as I started to notice the real issues with her, a inability to follow through with anything she says and a total lack of motivation to develop or do anything fulfilling for herself. I started to take her to see three philologists and they diagnosed her as developing BPD with Nausosistic and schizophrenic tendencies. They suggested support and maybe some study courses, She and I have decided to send her on three personal development courses ranging in cost from $6k to $25k an each time she spent the time relaxing by the pool not attending classes and worse than that she used the courses to practise her I am abused wife story and that is why she hadn't developed (I only just found that out last week). In the last 12 months we have had 5 occasions whereby we've had a big argument she has flown home partied with her friends bagged me then come back all at my expense(Average $20k each time). This came to a had 7 weeks ago when we had our latest argument this time about her latest sickness and when I was out walking she called the police created a DV story and had me arrested. This cracked it for me and I asked her to move out, she spent 4 day at our friends telling them her abuse story but they got sick of her and asked her to leave. I was in shock and not answering my phone when she was desperate to come home so she had no choice but to go back to NZ.

For the last 6 weeks she has been in NZ telling everybody that I bashed her daily and raped her depraved her from being herself and stripped her confidence and independence (Ive only just found this out) meanwhile calling me every night abusing me for taking away her dream relationship. She asked for me to continue to support her financially so she could go to her doctor and get better, because of my feelings I have (Another $30k) however 2 weeks ago I was called by her doctor to say that she wanted to commence treatment on her and needed up front payment, appears she has not been seeing the doctor and has spent the money on who knows. I asked her to explain and her explanation was the relationship is over I have serious issues that she can no longer help me with and I should go get help. Before I could say anything she hung up and has blocked me (NC 2 weeks)

Now there a few issues here I understand co-dependency but the biggy right now I that for three year I have ben through hell for someone I genuinely love and right now I feel she has slammed the door and I don't understand why. I have so many unanswered questions that I need to process and she will not pick up the phone or respond to my emails. For the first time in three years I am angry and I don't know which way to turn.

Does anyone have any ideas of which was she may go from here, I am lost not able to get closure nor understand how someone can use someone like she has me love them then hate them all in such a short space of time

Id really appreciate the advice

[JohnLove]

Hello Didntdesrvethat. Welcome to the forums. I reckon you're probably exactly right. You didn't deserve this. There are so many red flags in your story. But you persisted. I know what it is like. I made the same mistakes with my BPDex. I'm sorry for you.

Reading how a BPD relationship evolves on this site was very helpful for me. It is a typical BPD relationship scenario. I would say they often devolve. They go backwards. Instead of taking it slow and building something special over time, they start off super special and tear the whole thing to pieces.

The being out partying while accusing you of unfaithfulness is not unexpected. It is projection. I would not be surprised if you eventually discover that she cheated on you.

The lack of motivation . The not following things through . The lack of ideas . The accusations that you are the one with "something" wrong with you  (2 flags there... .always something, never specific). The psychologists reports  . The constant using of you for financial gain . The false arrest . The smear campaign .

I was most disturbed to read the lies she is telling about you to anyone who will listen and rescue this poor victim. Daily beatings and rape?... .while telling you that you are at fault for "taking away" her dreams? That is very very sad.

My only advice is to focus on yourself and your needs. It is clear from reading your post that you have not being taking good care of yourself. I'm glad you understand co-dependancy but you also need to understand being enmeshed. It is very unhealthy. We should have a degree of overlap, but it is clear from your story that if you want to pursue or maintain a relationship with this person it will be at her directive and on her terms. Send her $$$. Tell her what she wants to hear. Don't question her. Is this really a relationship or any way to live?

I know. I have made my own mistakes in the pursuit of love. You need to look at the "relationship" from a distance. Like I am. With a healthy degree of detachment. What if your best friend told that story to you?... .what advice would you give them?

Reading the threads on here saved my sanity. You will find you are not alone in your trauma. And that, my friend is unfair.

The lack of closure is somewhat typical. You may have to find your own closure as this girl keeps running away from something. The truth will set you free. But it's probably gonna hurt like hell first.

Sorry I can't offer you more.

[C.Stein]

As much as it might hurt you, likely the best direction for you to turn is away from her. 

[Didntdeservethat]

Thank you so much John, I too am a Jon nice to met you

Its so refreshing to have someone understand. I find people I talk to just speak to me from a more pragmatic place that of you should see it as a lucky escape. However I have put so much commitment pain and pushed away friends and my life in order to support this girl to be abandoned this way is hard to take. I feel like I have lost someone overboard who I accepted has been in my care and I cannot move on.

I know it doesn't make sense but I've always been a very systematic businessman and quiet successful so to walk away from a failure without any closure or understanding seems impossible for me at this stage.

Thank you though for your kind words, they do hep.

[C.Stein]

It's difficult to let go when you have invested so much of yourself into someone.  I can relate with the person overboard.  When my ex bailed she took a part of me with her leaving me feeling pretty damned empty.  It has been a constant struggle to let go, even though I had let go a long time ago.  :)on't know if that makes sense or not.  I want to move on but I can't seem to manage to do that.