Emotional crashing

[ColdEthyl]

Saturday night my husband and I celebrated our anniversary and without going into too much detail, let's just say we had an extremely intimate evening. We haven't had nights like that very often at all. There has been a lot of sexual issues since we got married, and that seems to be a common theme with pw/BPD.

Anyways, the day after we were both still glowing from the night before, talking about it, talking about when to do things again and what to do, etc. We both were in a cloud 9 state of mind.

Later on that evening, my husband went into the kitchen during dinnertime to fix his plate and my brother was in the kitchen and he said "oops excuse me" and moved out of the way.

My husband storms back into the room upset that he 'is always in the kitchen when he wants to get in there'. This is a common theme for him to be upset about. I said I would fix his plate, so I do and I get the wrong piece of chicken. (He wanted a breast, I brought him a thigh... .they look the same to me)

He practically spits out how this is a thigh, and I did knee-jerk a hurt reaction and mocked him. He really hates that. I've been trying to stop doing it, but it's going to take time for me to reprogram my brain to stop knee-jerk reactions. I did immediately apologize. He was silent the rest of the night and yesterday. He won't eat, he won't do anything with me like watch our TV shows. I asked if he wanted to get out and watch a sunset, and he did not.

He said last night he's depressed and he's dealing with it 'in his own' way. He said he was tired and didn't feel good.

My question is... .I know pwBPD often blow things out of proportion. I'm not surprised by his fit, I'm just surprised at how long it's gone on (usually something like that he's over it in a day or less) and the timing. We went from extreme closeness and happiness to rock bottom depression.

Do you think the intimacy from the other night had something to do with the sudden change in behavior? I just got thrown... .it was out of left field.

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[CrazyChuck]

This situation is very common for me. I get the "dealing with it in her own way" almost every time after I validate. She also gets tired very often. But like you said it is usually over in an hour or two. I really hate how everything is going great and then POW! Like getting hit in the face with a brick. For myself I have learned it is not the "issue" like the plate of food. When my BPD is ready, she will just chose something to get upset about. Like pooping in the bathroom, brushing teeth to close to mirror, using too much deodorant, and I could go on for another two plus pages.

[ColdEthyl]

This situation is very common for me. I get the "dealing with it in her own way" almost every time after I validate. She also gets tired very often. But like you said it is usually over in an hour or two. I really hate how everything is going great and then POW! Like getting hit in the face with a brick. For myself I have learned it is not the "issue" like the plate of food. When my BPD is ready, she will just chose something to get upset about. Like pooping in the bathroom, brushing teeth to close to mirror, using too much deodorant, and I could go on for another two plus pages.

I've learned that, too. One of the biggest things he complains about is my brother in the kitchen, and it's so absurd. If he decides to make something to eat and anyone else is in there he will just not eat, hide in the bedroom and starve. It's either his favorite go-to complaint he uses as a whipping post, or he likes being a martyr by refusing to eat. I don't know but I gave up on that one... .I just validate and move on.

It just threw me off how he did a complete 360 and and held on to this bone for days.

[ColdEthyl]

I just called at lunch and offered a drive to the lake to watch the sun set and some dinner, and he said "I will see when you get out, but I don't feel like it right now I'm too depressed"

*sigh* I have no idea what to do. I guess nothing.

[Cat Familiar]

Ethyl, I'm sorry you're dealing with this after things were going so well.

I had some thoughts on the kitchen situation, based upon my experiences with my husband.

He often doesn't eat until he's famished and then it becomes a big drama because he's "bonking" which I assume is a low blood sugar complaint. When that happens he becomes short tempered and sort of hysterical.

Another issue relating to BPD and food is that he thinks his needs aren't as important as others' needs, or so he says. Then, when he doesn't get his needs met promptly, he gets irritated, or angry. I can be standing in the kitchen and unknowingly blocking his access to a cabinet where he wants something. In a very dramatic way, he will stand aside, not saying anything, and wait for me to move away. (It's like the "poor me" syndrome: "I'm so oppressed by you, but you're so oblivious to my suffering because you're so selfish." A normal person would say, "Can you hand me the... .?" Or, "Move over, I want... ."

I chalk this behavior up to their tendency to feel invisible or unimportant or non-existent and then experience the resulting anger about that.

So the intimacy you recently had, I would suspect, might be a separate issue. Since you've had relationship difficulties in the past with intimacy, he might feel worried that he couldn't live up to the standard that was recently set.

[ColdEthyl]

So the intimacy you recently had, I would suspect, might be a separate issue. Since you've had relationship difficulties in the past with intimacy, he might feel worried that he couldn't live up to the standard that was recently set.

He was perfectly fine until that dinner thing, so that's why I thought they might be connected. He did say that "he was starving" and everyone else's needs must be more important than his. I know he thinks that... .when he's clear headed he knows that's stupid and has admitted as much. He also gets edgy about meeting people in the hallway at home, anyone blocking the doorway, and always has to sit in a restaurant with his eyes toward the door and back against a wall.

As far as the other night... .I have no idea. I guess if it's an issue he will say something eventually. He will blow up... .it's just a matter of when. I just wish I knew the secret handshake or whatever to diffuse the bomb before then >.<

[Hope26]

Ethyl, I too am so sorry you're having to deal with this.  I think the toughest thing about dealing with BPD is the 'Jekyll/Hyde' syndrome; how the anger and bad mood can come on so suddenly and unexpectedly, and even after things had been so good.  It's like an unexpected punch in the gut.  It has happened to me as well, that we can have loving and intimate moments in the morning, followed by me being his worst enemy the same evening because I didn't fold some of the laundry right, or put something in the wrong place in the pantry, etc... .So I don't really think the intimacy has any connection with the crashing.  There are times when I practically expect a crash, like when he's under perceived stress, but then there are all those other times, when it's totally unpredictable.  My uBPDh has been very kind and loving for a few weeks now, but I keep waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' so to speak.

[ChangingOfTides]

Its really terrible to have these great intimate moments ussually followed by the destruction of those moments.

I go through this process regularly too, i assume now its due to the fear of intimacy... .

When they feel you come to close, they have trouble maintaining that intimacy, or a fear of losing it.

They become so restless or angry after intimate moments that they need to break this intimacy again... .

The hardest part is accepting just that, the intimacy is genuine, and their anger is actually driven by fear... .

[ColdEthyl]

*nods* He was a lot better last night. I got him to eat, he complained about my brother, telling me all of the times he was in the kitchen yesterday. He said he was on a hunger strike since Thursday night because 'obviously he doesn't deserve to eat, and my brother's needs comes before his.'

This is all because he was in the way in the kitchen for 2 seconds. I just listened and validated... .no reason to argue with something this illogical.

We watched a bit of TV together and he chatted so that's a good sign. I think he might be balancing back out.

ChangingofTides: "The hardest part is accepting just that, the intimacy is genuine, and their anger is actually driven by fear... ."

I needed that reminder. Thank you! My own insecurities and fears can cloud those facts at times.

Hope26: "It's like an unexpected punch in the gut.  It has happened to me as well, that we can have loving and intimate moments in the morning, followed by me being his worst enemy the same evening because I didn't fold some of the laundry right, or put something in the wrong place in the pantry, etc... .So I don't really think the intimacy has any connection with the crashing."

Oh yeah, I know all about the laundry, or not making sure the fast food place put cheese on his burger, etc. The most basic things for us are catastrophic for them. *sighs*

I post in another group with people who have BPD, and the general thought on this situation is that the intimacy coupled with his new job offer (I did not mention that part here) probably put him in a manic state, and they have said it's not unusual to have a bottoming out period after that.

The quote from one lady:

"Coming out of a manic state. It's usually due to using up a large amount of energy in a short time period from being in a manic state, so you burnout and your both mentally and physically exhausted after. This happens with other moods to. Having chronic low energy for borderlines is quite common. You can't have good without the bad. Our good and bad are just more noticeable then other peoples:)"

To me, that makes a ton of sense. My husband has stated that he was depressed and tired. This morning, he said he's exhausted.

It's hard for me to see him that sad and that low... .I love him and hate seeing him in pain or discomfort. I guess the problem is understanding his level of uncomfortable is just always going to be sharper and more severe.