Transition Times

[Swiggle]

What do you do when something coincides with a switch time?

DD has a game on Saturday and wakes up with us. It is her mom's holiday and the switch time is 10 as stated in the agreement. The game was originally scheduled to start in the afternoon giving plenty of time to drop DD off at her mom's house, even though we are all going to the game. We suggested just switching at the game (we are talking about 1 hour from switch time) mom insisted we follow the stated time... .ok no problem.

We get an email from the coach a couple days ago stating that the game has been rescheduled to earlier, the girls are to be there 30-45 min early and the location is at least an hour away. In order to get DD there on time we need to leave well before the switch time.

DH emails mom and state's since the game time changed we will take DD to the game. she responds accusing us of not following the agreement. We ask how getting DD to her game on time isn't following the agreement. We are leaving to get there during our parenting time we didn't say that to mom though(even though we don't look at it in the "her time" "out time" way). She responds with some hypothetical situation regarding another holiday and how we didn't "ask" her that we "told" and how would we feel if she "told" us she was bringing the kids home late after xmas. Our last response indicated that by dropping DD off at 10am would make her late for the game and that since we have to leave well before the switch time and they were with us in the morning we would just take to the game. DH also stated that if this type of situation were reversed he would assume mom would do the same to ensure DD gets where she needs to go on time.

Has this ever happened, how have you handled it. We didn't want to drop DD off knowing she would be late to the game and figured with school and sports stuff it would most likely come up again. Mom doesn't even want to try and find solutions she just wants to complain and be a victim to how terrible she is treated.

[Ishenuts]

I have this same problem frequently with 2 teens in sports. Fortunately, exNPDh is VERY invested in them being athletes, and would do nothing to affect their standing on the team (angering their coach).

Of course, your solution is reasonable. Put in in mom's lap. Agree to the exchange time, but let your DD know you had offered to bring her. Your DD will be late, and incur the wrath of the coach. How will mom explain it to her? Your DD just wants to be there on time, and shouldn't have to deal with this "carp", but pwBPD/NPD rarely consider that! It has to be a "win" for them.

Is mom suggesting you bring her back early so that she can get her there on time? I didn't see that offer in your explanation. But I do often 'get' the "one time 5 years ago you didn't ask me blah blah blah" from my ex. The can't see beyond their victim hood and opportunities to blame!

Your poor DD!

[Swiggle]

I have this same problem frequently with 2 teens in sports. Fortunately, exNPDh is VERY invested in them being athletes, and would do nothing to affect their standing on the team (angering their coach).

Of course, your solution is reasonable. Put in in mom's lap. Agree to the exchange time, but let your DD know you had offered to bring her. Your DD will be late, and incur the wrath of the coach. How will mom explain it to her? Your DD just wants to be there on time, and shouldn't have to deal with this "carp", but pwBPD/NPD rarely consider that! It has to be a "win" for them.

Is mom suggesting you bring her back early so that she can get her there on time? I didn't see that offer in your explanation. But I do often 'get' the "one time 5 years ago you didn't ask me blah blah blah" from my ex. The can't see beyond their victim hood and opportunities to blame!

Your poor DD!

No, mom offered up no other solutions. Just stated that it won't take a full hour to get there and DD will be just fine in making it. Maybe so, but we don't want to take that chance, not to mention she has been late to games before when with mom. Once the coach texted me asking if DD was coming, I politely responded that I thought so but indicated she was with her mom that weekend so we didn't know for sure. This is an important game they are up for a district banner for their school not to mention it is their last year at the school, this game is a big deal. Even if we get there a few minutes before the coach indicated is not a bad thing, more time to practice.

[ForeverDad]

So mother will be attending the game too?  If so then it seems the issue boils down to where the exchange takes place.  I can't believe any court or even police (if it got that far) would find fault with this solution:

Dear Ex, I am happy to have the exchange at 10 am.  Since I am going to the game and so are you, and the game has been moved up earlier in the day raising the risk of D arriving late if the exchange is at the usual location,  I will bring her to the game where we can do the switch so not only can she be there ahead of time but also prep for the game with her teammates and coach.  I know this is an exception to our usual schedule but this is for our daughter's benefit and to reduce any time pressure and stress.

Best not to ask her to agree.  Asking is an invitation to object or just say No.  However, you might want to offer an alternative.  "Once we are near the stadium/field we will stop for brunch at {restaurant}.  If you arrive early too then we could do the switch there, again as an exception for our daughter's benefit."  (Of course, this is not inviting her to eat with you or that you will pay her bill if she eats there.)

As I said, I can't imagine any court viewing this as blocking visitation or sabotaging exchanges, judges know there will be occasional exceptions that the schedule can't predict.