our live-in friend is leaving

[Rockylove]

Well, I suppose it's about that time.  Our friend that has been living with us (since May) helping out has decided that he'd best be on his way if he wants to remain friends with my husband   He talked to me about it last night.  I can't blame him.  He said this is a lot more difficult than he'd imagined and he was coming to help out, not be abused.  He said he was concerned about his belongings should he have to leave some behind at first.  He said he worried what my h would do.  I tried to reassure him, but he's seen my h in action. 

My selfishness is concerned that our friend will leave before I get to go on my vacation to see my daughter for the birth of her first baby.  I've been soo looking forward to that trip and having a month away from all this drama. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Go anyway. You need it. Your daughter needs it. Your grandchild needs it.

Your husband could hire care for himself if he chose to. You've mentioned that he refuses to do this before. That is HIS choice. Let him face the consequences of his choice.

And my suspicion is that this friend is leaving now for another reason that he probably didn't share with you. Perhaps he doesn't even realize it consciously--he knows he wouldn't be up to staying alone as the sole caregiver for your husband.

[Cat Familiar]

This might be a good opportunity to test out leaving for a short period.

I've been a caretaker for my mother and I understand how stressful it can be.

Please don't thing that you are "selfish" for wanting to help your daughter after the birth. This is another example of you being a caregiver.

Here's what I'd do in your situation:

1. I'd move out all my important personal stuff to a storage facility.

2. I'd tell him that I was leaving for a month and that I would be back on this day

3. I'd tell him that I'd contacted an agency to send out help and that he could finalize the details

I'm sure that would send him into a dysregulaiion, but I would feel like I've been a responsible caregiver and the rest is up to him.

[Rockylove]

Since I've already bought the plane ticket, I'm going.  I've told him several times that he will have to think about ways to accomplish what needs to get done while I'm away.  Neither of the guys get up in the morning in time to let the dogs out before the poop and pee on the floor.  Not going to be my problem.  I just told my h he'd best be careful where he steps!   

I keep shaking my head.  I told him I wouldn't cook dinner on the days that I work since I get home so late.  He waited tonight til I came home before starting his dinner then whined about burning himself and spilling ketchup and poking himself with a fork and yeah.  I truly am dealing with a 3 year old.

[Grey Kitty]

  Glad you are going anyway.

I'd also note that your H is obviously capable of more than he does. He just b___es about it and guilts you into doing things. (Note, he did succeed in cooking dinner!)

[Rockylove]

I'd also note that your H is obviously capable of more than he does. He just b___es about it and guilts you into doing things. (Note, he did succeed in cooking dinner!)

yeah... .I'm guilty!  The other day I was up at 5am after a very restless night and then was busy as the proverbial beaver around the house til 1:30.  He was doing exercises and was blocking the stairs so I said excuse me, I'm going to lie down for a bit.  I'm really tired.  He asked me what was for lunch and I told him there were all kinds of leftovers in the frig and he grumbled and snorted and made such a fuss that I went in and fixed him lunch.  Some times it's just easier than listening to him gripe.  That's where I need to make changes.  I know this.