Hard day, hard time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all

I posted about my story in my introduction. I'm having a hard time today, really hard.

Today is my birthday. As you can imagine this is a loaded day for me, for many reasons. My ex went from showering me with love and attention on holidays to literally "forgetting them." In the beginning he often gave me gifts, showed up with flowers, bought jewelry. Then when the devaluation started the gifts dried up. I noticed a pattern developing: right before most holidays and any time I needed him, he would rage and abandon me. So the last few Valentine's Days, birthdays, my kid's birthdays and major events in my own career and life... .he wasn't there. I was left in vast, radiating pain. Totally abandonment panic.

Then we would recycle and after every brief idealization phases he would let drop how he spent that holiday with friends. He would express some sadness, but it was more like sadness he missed the event, not sadness for hurting me. He has a poor puppy dog way of acting, so I would always feel guilty if I felt mad at him. The way he acts makes you feel like you are kicking a puppy if you get mad at him.

This last cycle we were together was very short, and the very last time we saw each other he started telling me how mad he was at himself he had forgotten to send a happy birthday message to... .a relative he rarely sees. Then he blithely asked me, "when is your birthday again?" He had forgotten it. I sincerely think he actually forgot it. This is a man who had asked me to marry him and, when idealizing me, professed his undying love. He went from that to very cold and distant, constantly judgmental and aggrieved, and always, always, on a trigger temper.

So now it is my birthday and he is gone and I am heartbroken for so many reasons. The loss feels so unbearable. The thing is I feel that someplace in him he does care about me. It is like the feeling is so overwhelming for him he has to hate me and put me at a distance. I want that part of him hiding and I have to accept it will never be there for me, or anyone else. So I am grieving today.

I am trying to take care of myself. I am going out with my kids, and I've had numerous friends send greetings. I know there are people out there who genuinely care for me. This is just hard anyhow.

The other thing that is really, really hard is this weekend I have an event I am supposed to go and I think he will be there. This will be the first time I will see him since he cut me completely out of his life and I am SCARED TO DEATH of seeing him. I feel like my healing is so fragile right now... .there is no way he can act that will feel good. I am just feeling so very sad and hurting and scared. I don't want to go to the event but it is a commitment. The only way to get out of it would be to pretend to be sick. What should I do?

I did order The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist today. They will be my birthday presents to myself.

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I posted about my story in my introduction. I'm having a hard time today, really hard.

Today is my birthday. As you can imagine this is a loaded day for me, for many reasons. My ex went from showering me with love and attention on holidays to literally "forgetting them." In the beginning he often gave me gifts, showed up with flowers, bought jewelry. Then when the devaluation started the gifts dried up. I noticed a pattern developing: right before most holidays and any time I needed him, he would rage and abandon me. So the last few Valentine's Days, birthdays, my kid's birthdays and major events in my own career and life... .he wasn't there. I was left in vast, radiating pain. Totally abandonment panic.

Then we would recycle and after every brief idealization phases he would let drop how he spent that holiday with friends. He would express some sadness, but it was more like sadness he missed the event, not sadness for hurting me. He has a poor puppy dog way of acting, so I would always feel guilty if I felt mad at him. The way he acts makes you feel like you are kicking a puppy if you get mad at him.

This last cycle we were together was very short, and the very last time we saw each other he started telling me how mad he was at himself he had forgotten to send a happy birthday message to... .a relative he rarely sees. Then he blithely asked me, "when is your birthday again?" He had forgotten it. I sincerely think he actually forgot it. This is a man who had asked me to marry him and, when idealizing me, professed his undying love. He went from that to very cold and distant, constantly judgmental and aggrieved, and always, always, on a trigger temper.

So now it is my birthday and he is gone and I am heartbroken for so many reasons. The loss feels so unbearable. The thing is I feel that someplace in him he does care about me. It is like the feeling is so overwhelming for him he has to hate me and put me at a distance. I want that part of him hiding and I have to accept it will never be there for me, or anyone else. So I am grieving today.

I am trying to take care of myself. I am going out with my kids, and I've had numerous friends send greetings. I know there are people out there who genuinely care for me. This is just hard anyhow.

The other thing that is really, really hard is this weekend I have an event I am supposed to go and I think he will be there. This will be the first time I will see him since he cut me completely out of his life and I am SCARED TO DEATH of seeing him. I feel like my healing is so fragile right now... .there is no way he can act that will feel good. I am just feeling so very sad and hurting and scared. I don't want to go to the event but it is a commitment. The only way to get out of it would be to pretend to be sick. What should I do?

I did order The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist today. They will be my birthday presents to myself.

[cloudten]

First of all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!   

Second of all: DO NOT GO TO THE EVENT. Why why why why why would you put yourself through that stress? Be sick... .lie... .who cares... .don't go. Your absolute #1 priority, especially if your healing is fragile, is to keep yourself safe. Physically safe, EMOTIONALLY SAFE, mentally safe.  Risking all of that for an event, commitment or not, is simply not worth it.   Right now you should be absolutely as safe as possible guarding every aspect of your health and wellness.

I am not saying you need to live your entire life in fear... .absolutely the opposite... .you need to live without fear WHEN YOU ARE STRONGER. Right now you are not there. You will be. It won't take too terribly long... .but you will be stronger and that is when you will be able to resume events he may be at.

If you are "SCARED TO DEATH"... .it is absolutely not worth your emotional and mental health. You need to protect you.

I know the loss feels unbearable. When it feels unbearable and overwhelming is when you are actually working through the grief to get to the other, stronger, side. Accept and label the emotions for what they are. Feel what you need to feel... .don't stifle it. Cry, yell, call friends, go for a walk, exercise... .do whatever you need to do to get thru it.  I spent a really good long night drinking a bottle of tequila and screaming and crying on the floor... .even though I don't advocate alcohol... .I can tell you that since that night, i have felt so much better. I have bad days... .but nothing like that... .and the general trend is upward.

Please don't go to the event. Please please please. Don't put yourself through something you don't want to do. Right now should be about self care--- and self care is not putting yourself through something extremely stressful and at risk of recycling or worse.

You should only be doing things you absolutely want to do right now.

[C.Stein]

Happy Birthday.

I agree with the recommendation to stay away from the event.  If you are feeling emotionally fragile going will almost certainly result in a major setback in your healing progress.  It simply isn't worth it and you need to look out for yourself right now.

[HurtinNW]

Well, no sooner that I posted this I got an email from my ex bf, whom my therapist believes is NPD. All of a sudden he does remember my birthday. I have gotten a lot of emails like this after a rage/abuse/abandon cycle, usually around this time, between one and three months of him giving me the total silent treatment. This will give you a good idea of how he operates:

"As with so many other things, I'm not very good at saying I'm sorry. At least not in a way that it seems you can feel or believe. No doubt it doesn't help when I let  time pass, let wounds fester, leave grief and sorrow unanswered.

I have let you down, terribly. Especially with these latest weeks of silence.

I did not mean them to be cruel, but have come to see that they must have seemed so to you, that I should have known this ahead of time, that I have shirked my responsibilities to you, to the kids, and to myself.

I'm sorry. I have no excuses.

I can say a bit, though, about reasons, as I see them, or at least what muddled thoughts and feelings played their parts within me.

At the end of our last conversation, in frustration and anger, after I hung up I hit "block caller" on your number. For the most part, that was pure pettiness. A little of it was in response to your pleas that I "end it... .and make it forever."

I was discouraged, dispirited -- and I use those words as very specific descriptions of my feelings, that I had lost all courage, all spirit.

I went into hiding from myself, from my feelings. Watched a lot of TV. Slept. Brushed the cat. As when we were apart in August, I spoke to or saw a few friends who happened to contact me but didn't reach out to anyone. I didn't even check my email for a couple of weeks, so I didn't notice your messages until way after you sent them; didn't read them until way after that. When I remembered about the "block caller," I reversed that, and awhile later the text from you asking for help appeared. But it had been sent two weeks prior; I didn't know what to do, and in my continuing cowardice, I did nothing.

At times I have felt paralyzed by confusion, by fear, by pessimism. I can get to the place in my mind and heart where I no longer have the compulsion to blame you, but finding that space where I can be confident about changing myself is harder.

I read "The Dance of Connection" and "How To Be an Adult," and am half-way through "Hold Me Tight." The Sue Johnson book, about EFT, is helping me let go of the idea that the content of our fights -- the sense and sequences, the truth and consequences -- matters so much. It helps me understand your attachment panic and my own. I think I've always felt and often tried to say that there is fear for me too in our conflicts, that the idea of being on the outside of your approval and acceptance makes me crazy. That book puts it all in ways that make more sense to me, ways that feel right and true.

I'm sorry that I heard your cries of disconnection as something irrational, that I got frustrated and defensive and critical. And yes, mean.

You don't deserve to be treated that way. You are special and sweet, beautiful and kind. You are more worthy of love -- deep, close, true love -- than anyone I know. Yes, everyone is worthy, but you deserve to feel as special as you really are.

"Hold Me Tight" also makes me regret that I didn't have the wisdom, the maturity, the heart, the courage long ago to simply look at the problems between us and resolve to just stay as close to you as I could until we worked them out. That would have been difficult, but probably no more so than what I've put you through instead, and I think now that it would have worked. And that it was what you were asking of me all along.

I hope the timing of this letter doesn't keep you from having a happy birthday. I know I should have been laying all the groundwork to make it a great time for you, and instead I have made your life worse. Truly, I am sorry. I failed you, and me.

You gave me more than anyone has. Please know and believe that.

I love you."

Now I am struggling even more. This feels crazy making. It sounds both remorseful and yet at the same time completely minimizes his abuse, his accountability, his cruelty, everything. It makes things my fault, shades the truth. It is exactly the kind of email I have run to him in the past. I need to remember that he is NOT saying he can or will change. He is NOT saying he getting professional help or admitting he even really has a problem. Ugh, ugh, ugh... .and on my birthday too. Help.

[Mutt]

Hi HurtinNW,

Happy Birthday. I can see how that would feel crazy making. I think that we have trigger periods, periods around holidays, birthdays and when we go through the first year of all of events without our significant others that can be a very sad and lonely time. Sometimes we may have certain times of the year were we have past events were we feel triggered. How did you feel this week leading up to your birthday? I see that you have plans with your kids today, what do you have planned?

[C.Stein]

Personally I would give my right arm to get an email like that from my ex. 

I didn't get the sense he was trying to get you to come back to him, but rather it was an attempt to apologize for past transgressions.  Maybe it would help to view it that way instead of a covert attempt to get you to go back to him.  Let this email help you heal and move forward.

[Kelli Cornett]

Do not respond. My ex is a NARC too. They are VERY dangerous people.

[HurtinNW]

Personally I would give my right arm to get an email like that from my ex. 

I didn't get the sense he was trying to get you to come back to him, but rather it was an attempt to apologize for past transgressions.  Maybe it would help to view it that way instead of a covert attempt to get you to go back to him.  Let this email help you heal and move forward.

I would like to feel that way but trust me, there is no real apology from a narc. At the same time he was sending it he was probably playing the hurt victim and trashing me to our mutual friends. I don't want to rely on anything he says to help me move on, because my experience with him is any connection with me will be used to hurt me. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty, hopeful and connected to him.

[HurtinNW]

Personally I would give my right arm to get an email like that from my ex. 

I didn't get the sense he was trying to get you to come back to him, but rather it was an attempt to apologize for past transgressions.  Maybe it would help to view it that way instead of a covert attempt to get you to go back to him.  Let this email help you heal and move forward.

I would like to feel that way but trust me, there is no real apology from a narc. At the same time he was sending it he was probably playing the hurt victim and trashing me to our mutual friends. I don't want to rely on anything he says to help me move on, because my experience with him is any connection with me will be used to hurt me. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty, hopeful and connected to him.

I'm adding that the email is also full of lies and manipulations. It's not true he spent all that time hiding; I happen to know he was out and about, going to parties, trashing me, because people told me about it. I seriously doubt he didn't read my emails, and he has this subtle way characterizing his off-the-charts abuse of me as "our problems." This is exactly how a narc operates: they create a beguiling narrative that is very sympathetic. He knows there will be a part of me that wants to jump at the implication perhaps... .this time... .he really does have remorse. And another part that will want to correct this faulty, and still hurtful, minimizing narrative.

Regardless, I'm not going to answer. It's what he said, and I need to heal from what actually happened, not his narrative about it.

[Kelli Cornett]

Personally I would give my right arm to get an email like that from my ex. 

I didn't get the sense he was trying to get you to come back to him, but rather it was an attempt to apologize for past transgressions.  Maybe it would help to view it that way instead of a covert attempt to get you to go back to him.  Let this email help you heal and move forward.

I would like to feel that way but trust me, there is no real apology from a narc. At the same time he was sending it he was probably playing the hurt victim and trashing me to our mutual friends. I don't want to rely on anything he says to help me move on, because my experience with him is any connection with me will be used to hurt me. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty, hopeful and connected to him.

I'm adding that the email is also full of lies and manipulations. It's not true he spent all that time hiding; I happen to know he was out and about, going to parties, trashing me, because people told me about it. I seriously doubt he didn't read my emails, and he has this subtle way characterizing his off-the-charts abuse of me as "our problems." This is exactly how a narc operates: they create a beguiling narrative that is very sympathetic. He knows there will be a part of me that wants to jump at the implication perhaps... .this time... .he really does have remorse. And another part that will want to correct this faulty, and still hurtful, minimizing narrative.

Regardless, I'm not going to answer. It's what he said, and I need to heal from what actually happened, not his narrative about it.

So true. One thing that gives me peace of mind lately when it comes to past relationships hurts is reminding myself there are no grantees in life. There is no magic formula for love or loyalty. You can go out there and be the best person you can and still never receive any. It's a hard core reality. So only ever do things for someone because you want too. Doing things because you think you get love for them is just setting yourself up for heart break. Hope you birthday was ok!

[Turkish]

Happy birthday from another Scorpio (mine was last week).

I got a similar letter, left open on our computer while my Ex was still living with me. I typed a response. She said, "I didn't mean for you to see that." Sure. She was also in a dissociative phase at the time. My T, who saw us for one joint session, and had two individual sessions with her, said that she had a compartmentalized personality. In short, she could be different things to different people. Being the child of a mother with BPD, I have my own wounds. I find it hard to fathom compartmentalizing like this. The lies and distortions disturb my core values. Christine Ann Lawson, in her book Understanding the Borderline Mother says that to a person with BPD, "lying feels like survival." There may be some genuine remorse in the message, but it feels to me like he's soothing himself. This is who he is.

Apologies that aren't really apologies may be may be more hurtful than silence, generating more questions while providing no answers. The probable social interactions will be hard, but no response in this case may be good (mine didn't yield anything functional).

[HurtinNW]

There may be some genuine remorse in the message, but it feels to me like he's soothing himself. This is who he is. .

Yes. Bingo. Thank you.