Its hard to understand the concept of loving someone so much that you push them away,

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Its hard to understand the concept of loving someone so much that you push them away, I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me. I went NC with my ex for 7 months who almost lost his damn mind because I left him, got tired of hearing I wasn't the one, and he didn't want a relationship with me. But once again I let him back into my life, we evens started talking about marriage again, even went to try on the damn engagement ring. one day later he tells me to move on with my life because he couldn't commit, and within a month he was engaged to the OW who he was seeing while we were in NC... .So I'm to believe that he loved me so much that he went and got married to someone else that he only knew a few months. During my discard  i told him he was the one that kept running away from me, he was the one that kept breaking us up, and I wasn't trying to hurt him. even through all of that he was cold, no emotion whatsoever, and I'm to believe that this is his way of dealing with his love for me? I beg to differ, because no one falls in and out of love that fast, unless you just really never loved me to begin with.I look at it as a game, this man just fu@&ked with my head for two years, strung me along until something better came a long, there is nothing loving about that

[stacma04]

Its hard to understand the concept of loving someone so much that you push them away, I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me. I went NC with my ex for 7 months who almost lost his damn mind because I left him, got tired of hearing I wasn't the one, and he didn't want a relationship with me. But once again I let him back into my life, we evens started talking about marriage again, even went to try on the damn engagement ring. one day later he tells me to move on with my life because he couldn't commit, and within a month he was engaged to the OW who he was seeing while we were in NC... .So I'm to believe that he loved me so much that he went and got married to someone else that he only knew a few months. During my discard  i told him he was the one that kept running away from me, he was the one that kept breaking us up, and I wasn't trying to hurt him. even through all of that he was cold, no emotion whatsoever, and I'm to believe that this is his way of dealing with his love for me? I beg to differ, because no one falls in and out of love that fast, unless you just really never loved me to begin with.I look at it as a game, this man just fu@&ked with my head for two years, strung me along until something better came a long, there is nothing loving about that

[Skip]

So I'm to believe that he loved me so much that he went and got married to someone else that he only knew a few months.

I hope we are not teaching such a concept here    Fear of abandonment drives certain behaviors, but its not " loving someone so much that you push them away".  It's more like becoming very vulnerable and then believing that the relationship has a problem and getting away rather than fixing it.

1. this man just fu@&ked with my head for two years,

2. strung me along

3. until something better came a long, there is nothing loving about that... .

It could have just been #3.

Sounds like the NC kicked in all the abandonment anxiety, but when you got back together, and the cloud passed, his original commitment issues rose up and he went with the other girl.

This is where diminished executive functioning really screws with other people. He needed to heal that anxiety on his own (but obviously couldn't or didn't).

That's messy.  Ugh.

[stacma04]

@Skip, Thank you for responding, it that normal behavior? Because I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if this is normal or not, was I dealing with someone who had some type of cluster B personality? or is he really in love with this other person, and he was just feeling anxiety because I left him. when he was discarding me he told me he doesn't understand why I give him anxiety, just trying to get some form of understanding. Wont those commitment issues come up with the OW? or perhaps it was just something about me that he just prevented him from committing to me?

[Skip]

... .is he really in love with this other person, and he was just feeling anxiety because I left him.

Is he was just feeling anxiety because I left him.

I think his actions suggest that.

Is he was just feeling anxiety because I left him.

I think his actions also suggest that he cared about you deeply but was something - this existed before you broke it off.

Is he really in love with this other person

I think when our partner maries another, nothing matter anymore. Will he have the same issues as with you? Maybe. Maybe not. 

One of the hardest adult lessons is that sometimes we meet someone that is really close to - but just short of being a good fit. I don't know if that is the case here or if he is just a guy who chases his tail.

[Kelli Cornett]

Sounds like a NPD. I know you feel.

[stacma04]

blackanblue, I think your right, I think he has more nod traits

[Kelli Cornett]

blackanblue, I think your right, I think he has more nod traits

It's so painful. Because they don't really even have real emotions, most don't even know they are sick cause they have a superhero complex. They think they are a god and good intended. It's scary.


They discard and continually discard and blame the other person. It's worse than BPD because there is pretty nothing genuine about a NPD.


I wish you peace and healings 

[hopealways]

Sounds quite BPD or NPD to me, but regardless, they are very similar and you should stay away from both. It's not about not being a good fit: I completely disagree with that notion. That suggests someones actually IS a good fit for them when nobody is. They run away from closeness and they have their own version of what love is. The short of it is yes you did waste 2 years of your life and no he will never change.  The next victim will have the same push pull dynamic.

[Climbmountains91]

Its hard to understand the concept of loving someone so much that you push them away, I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me. I went NC with my ex for 7 months who almost lost his damn mind because I left him, got tired of hearing I wasn't the one, and he didn't want a relationship with me. But once again I let him back into my life, we evens started talking about marriage again, even went to try on the damn engagement ring. one day later he tells me to move on with my life because he couldn't commit, and within a month he was engaged to the OW who he was seeing while we were in NC... .So I'm to believe that he loved me so much that he went and got married to someone else that he only knew a few months. During my discard  i told him he was the one that kept running away from me, he was the one that kept breaking us up, and I wasn't trying to hurt him. even through all of that he was cold, no emotion whatsoever, and I'm to believe that this is his way of dealing with his love for me? I beg to differ, because no one falls in and out of love that fast, unless you just really never loved me to begin with.I look at it as a game, this man just fu@&ked with my head for two years, strung me along until something better came a long, there is nothing loving about that

I'm sorry this situation happened to you, it sucks!

Sounds a bit like my EXBPDBF last year. I remember being discarded for so many months like i was nothing then all of a sudden one day he took me to a bar and said he's had feelings for me for about a month, lasting longer than they usually do and he wanted to give it another shot and take it slow, 6 months later he tells me we've hurt eachother to much and his feelings are a no show and is still saying we can only be friends because he can't do love, he's not interested in it, he feels dead inside to relationships, he just wants friends. He's never had a replacement that i know of. Though there's this girl he 'thought' he had feelings for, had sex with her and gave me an STI, i take responsibility that i shouldn't have fell for the recycle and should of been careful but jeez, i don't know, its just all, ughhhh!

Now i find myself wanting and waiting for a recycle.

[once removed]

this is where educating ourselves on the disorder can help and where it can hurt. obviously none of us are experts and we often speak from our experience, which is unique to us and may not apply to anyone else. when we speak of BPD in general, its best to go with well grounded psychology.

where it can help: understanding helps depersonalize the actions. it helps us make sense of certain behaviors.

where it can hurt: we can tend to over label, blame or even demonize the disorder, absolving ourselves of any responsibility. in other words, see ourselves as victims, and see our relationship in an unbalanced way, ie my partner was all bad. relationship dysfunction requires at least two parties.   

npd and BPD are two very different disorders, we should not confuse them. we also should avoid getting lost in the weeds or over focusing on the label. again, we are not professionals and cannot diagnose.

what we do have is stacmas story. we can only guess at the motivations of either party. it describes what sounds like a jilted former partner, a recycle, then a clear message that he could not commit. we really neednt pathologize or look any deeper than that. its immature behavior. and it understandably hurts.

"loving someone so much that you push them away"... .would not be the words i would use to describe the fear of abandonment. but think of it this way: what if i care for my partner so much that i believe i am unworthy of them? what if i believe that they will inevitably leave me, that everyone leaves me, even though i so desperately want this person to be the one? what if i am filled with utter shame in your presence because of the way i have treated you in the past? these are some of the kinds of thoughs that pwBPD experience in romantic relationships.