Good job with the healthy boundaries. Yes, indeed, they would love to have us around when they want us. They love to have their cake and eat it, too. But real life doesn't work that way. So, right on.
From my perspective, there really isn't a need to weigh evidence. The further you get out of it, and the more you allow yourself to grieve, the more you will see things clearly and the more you will be glad you are out of it.
I don't actively "hurt" like I did. I'm re-married, happily, and I have zero desire toward my BPD ex-wife. But that doesn't mean I'm completely "over it" in the sense of having wounds. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, for those to heal. And having to deal with her triggers feelings -not feelings of desire but rather feelings of rage and revulsion, and sometimes pity.
If she does make contact I know that the only way forward would be for her to accept and take responsibility for her actions and behaviours - highly unlikely at best.
I know that everyone has their own story, but from my story I highly recommend that you don't fall for it if she comes around claiming she's changed or is willing to "take responsibility" as you put it. These are pretty engrained, hard-wired patterns of behavior, etched into their souls. After my BPD ex wife and I divorced (finally, after 2 previous near-divorces), I fell for it. She promised to get counseling. What actually happened is that while screwing a few other guys, she noticed that I was dating someone. That sent her over the edge -see, she can move on, but I'm not allowed to. So, she came crying to my front door. I laughed at first (literally), but she sucked me in pretty good with all of her promises and "action" to try and change. Suddenly, she was moving back into my house, and in an instant she was back being the same domineering, deceptive person. Within 3-4 months she was screwing one of the same guys, again, along with the 18 year old friend of our adult son... .all behind my back, with me trying to (again) hold it all together.
I truly believe what a counselor told me years ago, "The only thing that will help her is if God smashes her into a million pieces and puts her back together again." And even if that did happen, I probably still wouldn't trust it... .and it wouldn't matter. If that happened to her, I would let that be good for her and for our kids. And it would sure make co-parenting easier, but that's about it. I've found a great woman, and I've married her. That chapter of my life is closed.
These people are broken, broken, broken. Period. What pains me most is hearing the enduring hope of our adult son for his mother, the woman he has been chasing in vain, longingly, for his entire life. He can't let it go. He can't let her go. He still thinks that some day she'll finally accept him, "take responsibility", and they will live happily ever after. No matter how many times she betrays him, blames him for things, screws his friends, humiliates him, or whatever, he still follows her around like a puppy dog, waiting for her. And it shows. He can't hold a job. He's addicted to drugs. He's homeless. And he has severe emotional problems that have had him landed in jail on a few occasions, all while his mother gets to look like the good guy and him the mentally disturbed son. Holding onto these people has serious long-term effects.
So, yes... .it's going to hurt. But keep on keeping on. It will get better. The only path forward, I'm convinced, is the path out. You can't expect to be free while you still camp on the borders of Egypt.
