I've been thinking.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been thinking about this site, and the members including myself. I go back and look at my old comments and posts and things I said and sometimes still do, and realize how incredibly one sided I was. I know we are hurt, angry, sad and confused. But I honestly think we all throw to many labels around. Co-dependency, borderline, narcissism just to name a few.

Just because you did everything you could for someone does not mean you're Co dependant. Sometimes it means you got suckered my someone.

Just because a book says your probably a narcissist Because you dated someone mentally ill don't make it so.

My point is, we don't need to say these labels unless we know for sure. If it turns out your ex don't have BPD then so what? They treated you bad enough for you to seek help on an online forum. That's your first sign. We are all guilty of black and white thinking and manufacturing attachment. Hey it happens . I use to think this site was so one sided and sometimes I thought skip and other moderators were blaming us instead of our abusers. But now that I'm getting better i can truly see they were trying to open us up to the WHOLE PICTURE. Sit back and review your own actions as well. Nothing I could have done would have saved us. But man, have I learned a lot.

[hurting300]

I've been thinking about this site, and the members including myself. I go back and look at my old comments and posts and things I said and sometimes still do, and realize how incredibly one sided I was. I know we are hurt, angry, sad and confused. But I honestly think we all throw to many labels around. Co-dependency, borderline, narcissism just to name a few.

Just because you did everything you could for someone does not mean you're Co dependant. Sometimes it means you got suckered my someone.

Just because a book says your probably a narcissist Because you dated someone mentally ill don't make it so.

My point is, we don't need to say these labels unless we know for sure. If it turns out your ex don't have BPD then so what? They treated you bad enough for you to seek help on an online forum. That's your first sign. We are all guilty of black and white thinking and manufacturing attachment. Hey it happens . I use to think this site was so one sided and sometimes I thought skip and other moderators were blaming us instead of our abusers. But now that I'm getting better i can truly see they were trying to open us up to the WHOLE PICTURE. Sit back and review your own actions as well. Nothing I could have done would have saved us. But man, have I learned a lot.

[purekalm]

Hey hurting300

I'd have to agree. I know when I came here I was basically venting because I was so angry at how crazy my life was/is and I literally didn't have any friends. You can't exactly tell your family about your family.   

I didn't even come back for a few months because I felt like I was only receiving pat answers to my difficult questions, like always. This wasn't the first time that I had reached out online and got the usual "have you looked at what you may have done to cause any of these issues?". Um, yeah, I did. I wasn't asking for self reflection, I'd already done so much of that. I just wanted someone to listen and actually care about what I was going through. To give me some objective advice because I didn't have anyone who could do that.

I've come a long way in a short time and I've been able to re read answers only to realize if I had been in the right mind set the answers would have been ok. Part of it was I didn't even know how to use the site to see any replies to what I wrote!    

I think labels make people feel more comfortable so they can distance themselves from the person in their life that's causing them so much pain. But, they can definitely be overused and misused. We all come here floundering I think and then if we stay and listen, and keep posting we start to find our feet again. Talking to people who are real, that are angry, that say things they shouldn't, that admit things you can relate to you'd never say aloud, it's not something easily found anymore. Especially online where everything is so impersonal. It feels good to know you're not the only who has gone through/ are still going through the craziness and have someone who understands that even though you're part to blame for staying/helping the crazy after a while inevitably, you just loved and tried to make it work the best you knew how.

Stay and learn a few things is like the motto of the ones who've been here I think. Calm down, detach from the chaos, don't give up. We are broken people helping broken people and I think there's a beauty to that that is missed by most. We just are who we are and that's ok. 

Sorry for rambling on!

[hurting300]

Sometimes "political" answers are given . But I've realized if you just sit back and calm down you'll see all the answers you need.

[purekalm]

Yep, sometimes you don't even have to ask because someone already did or you find the answer by reading something unrelated.

Honestly, I believe we already know the answers ourselves but are afraid to make the decisions we need without further input.   

[hurting300]

Yep, sometimes you don't even have to ask because someone already did or you find the answer by reading something unrelated.

Honestly, I believe we already know the answers ourselves but are afraid to make the decisions we need without further input.   

my ex honestly gave me all the answers while she was with me.

[rickdeckard]

I've been thinking about this site, and the members including myself. I go back and look at my old comments and posts and things I said and sometimes still do, and realize how incredibly one sided I was. I know we are hurt, angry, sad and confused. But I honestly think we all throw to many labels around. Co-dependency, borderline, narcissism just to name a few.

Just because you did everything you could for someone does not mean you're Co dependant. Sometimes it means you got suckered my someone.

Just because a book says your probably a narcissist Because you dated someone mentally ill don't make it so.

My point is, we don't need to say these labels unless we know for sure. If it turns out your ex don't have BPD then so what? They treated you bad enough for you to seek help on an online forum. That's your first sign. We are all guilty of black and white thinking and manufacturing attachment. Hey it happens . I use to think this site was so one sided and sometimes I thought skip and other moderators were blaming us instead of our abusers. But now that I'm getting better i can truly see they were trying to open us up to the WHOLE PICTURE. Sit back and review your own actions as well. Nothing I could have done would have saved us. But man, have I learned a lot.

Well stated, 300.

I recently went back through my (paper) journal - started in August of 2013 - and wow, is there a difference! So much anger and confusion and... .um... .less than sanity.

I don't really need labels anymore, they helped at the beginning while I was looking for answers. Or help. Or anything that would make some sense of what was going on. I found this place around Feb of '14, lurked a while before making an account. Even then, I read more than I participated.

I've learned a lot about myself from all of it. And am still learning.

As much as this experience with the ex has sucked eggs, I'm grateful for it. And for this place and its members. And for an Internet connection.

[Skip]

Get out of the box

I didn't even come back for a few months because I felt like I was only receiving pat answers to my difficult questions, like always. This wasn't the first time that I had reached out online and got the usual "have you looked at what you may have done to cause any of these issues?". Um, yeah, I did. I wasn't asking for self reflection, I'd already done so much of that. I just wanted someone to listen and actually care about what I was going through. To give me some objective advice because I didn't have anyone who could do that.

One of the best things we have to offer is to not give pat, stereotype answers or project our experience on to others - it helps the person we are aiding and it helps us to get out of the box .

purekalm, we cycle through recovery phases and our needs change from the beginning and through the process - most members don't want to start at the point of self-relection - that's normal and it makes sense. We tend to be outward focused in the beginning and more inward focused as we progress.  Most newbies are in the former state and most mentoring seniors are in the latter. It creates a dynamic, like many support groups, were the more senior members pull the more junior members forward.

In either case (newbie or senior member), pat answers have little healing value.  We all should listen and probe (question) the OP.  Hear what they are struggling with.  Ask questions about their situation.  Look at each members situation as having a unique circumstance (not an extension of our own) and within the broader construct of the similarities of relationship with people with impulse disorders or traits.

[Michelle27]

I don't actually go back and look at my first posts here (I still think it would be painful), I remember how I felt.  I just wanted a FIX, and more specifically, I wanted to fix HIM.  I remember reading things about my own part in the dysfunctional dance and dismissing them.  For awhile, I was stuck in feeling like I had done (and was doing) everything possible from my end and it was him that needed to change.  I was even cocky enough to think that my own research and reading would be enough to convince him to change.  I see now that I have always been a "fixer" and somewhat codependent in that way.  And I was dead wrong.

I remember reading about validation and realizing with a sick feeling that I didn't do a great job when things were heading towards a rage and that in fact, I often made things worse. The first time I tried it when a rage was coming, I actually derailed it and he later told me that he was kind of bewildered by how it worked.  That began the process of taking responsibility for my own part but it was a very gradual process and it honestly took a few years to see the whole picture.  Part of that process was working through the anger at myself (even more than at him) for allowing things to be as awful as it was.

I see posts from people stuck in that same place I was and I know that it's not an easy thing to change that perspective. It takes time, and a LOT of self reflection.  I hope I don't give "pat answers" but I'm sure it comes across that way sometimes when you are where I was early on. 

Interesting post that made me think. 

[joeramabeme]

Get out of the box

I didn't even come back for a few months because I felt like I was only receiving pat answers to my difficult questions, like always. This wasn't the first time that I had reached out online and got the usual "have you looked at what you may have done to cause any of these issues?". Um, yeah, I did. I wasn't asking for self reflection, I'd already done so much of that. I just wanted someone to listen and actually care about what I was going through. To give me some objective advice because I didn't have anyone who could do that.

One of the best things we have to offer is to not give pat, stereotype answers or project our experience on to others - it helps the person we are aiding and it helps us to get out of the box .



purekalm, we cycle through recovery phases and our needs change from the beginning and through the process - most members don't want to start at the point of self-relection - that's normal and it makes sense. We tend to be outward focused in the beginning and more inward focused as we progress.  Most newbies are in the former state and most mentoring seniors are in the latter. It creates a dynamic, like many support groups, were the more senior members pull the more junior members forward.

In either case (newbie or senior member), pat answers have little healing value.  We all should listen and probe (question) the OP.  Hear what they are struggling with.  Ask questions about their situation.  Look at each members situation as having a unique circumstance (not an extension of our own) and within the broader construct of the similarities of relationship with people with impulse disorders or traits.

If there were a "Like" button I would have used it on this post!   

Having been on this site for most of the last ~8 months, it has been my experience that mostly people listen and provide out-of-the-box thoughtful and insightful replies.

Regarding the use of labels; I too have vented about there overuse and yet I too have used them.  I guess it is one of those on-off habits related to where my emotional level is at. 

Typically when I am upset I am labeling, when I am introspective I am not.  Perhaps there is a nugget to mine here.  When we are not at ease - we tend to look at others and labels are easily applied to maintain an outward focus on the discomfort we have.  When we are introspective there is not as great a need to broad brush the world around us.

Glad to hear that everyone is making progress in their personal understanding and recovery, it is really the ONLY thing that we have the ability to change. 

[purekalm]

That is true Skip, although at the time I had no idea about the differences of where people are or that there was any. It has been a learning process as well as a healing one.

For the most part I had already stopped the crazy I was adding to it. For one I was getting screamed at and not responding and eventually it slowed down a couple years ago.

Just since I've come back I've had to learn how to grieve the death of my marriage and "what the future could have held" for my little family. I didn't even know that there were cycles of grief, that I would continually bounce back and forth. It's been extremely overwhelming at times, but I have gained a ton of knowledge I don't believe I would have found elsewhere.

I'm glad I couldn't throw myself a pity party, but at the same time I wasn't being blamed for all that was going on.

It's been real and I know I'm not the only one who appreciates it. 

[hurting300]

The main point of this is to try to make people really think. I've had tests ordered by the court before I got my baby back. I did the push and pull... black and white thinking. Screaming also. But I'm a mentally healthy. It's not abnormal to act a certain way during an abnormal relationship. I don't care what mental issue my ex has. My ex LIED to me for two years. She isn't good for me. And I'm not good for her. I don't need answers on here as much as I use because now that I'm out of that fog I realize she told me every thing I needed to know. Where disorder comes in to play is if you keep going back to the abuse. Then you need to ask yourself why your not normal. Because no normal person walks away without a word and no normal people would keep going back for more abuse. My two cents.