Question about englufment

[CharWood]

My BPD ex has been refraining from impulsive behavior for about a month now (excessive drinking, meeting people off the internet and staying out all night with them - even if she has work the next day very early in the morning)... .yesterday, she started it up again out of nowhere. she also became cold and distant towards me again. I thought I saw an improvement. But nope. Even reactivated her dating profile...

She did this starting on Saturday, along with another heavy drinking episode that night. My father passed away of cancer a few years ago today. He was on death watch for 2 to 3 days prior to his passing and this was the most difficult and painful time of my life. After my ex convinced me to move us here a year ago, halfway across the country away from our family and friends, this is the very first time I am having to endure this difficult time without a support network or my family around. My birthday is tomorrow as well. Last night was a particularly difficult night, as it was the last time I said goodbye to my father. My mother passed away when I was a year old, so my dad and I were very close. My ex fed me the lines "I will be there by you. you know me better than anyone and are like my best friend. I am here for you. I will do something nice with you to remember your dad" just last week. However, she abruptly packed an overnight bag, became mean and denigrating... .started acting coldly to me last night and left the house to run off to spend the night at some stranger's house (even though she lied and said it is a coworker)... .she deserted me during a very difficult time and moreover, flung something in my face like that to cause me pain, more pain than I am dealing with even. Then this morning, she texts me she will see me tonight like nothing happened.


What the heck is that?   Is this engulfment? why , after over a month of not doing things like this, does she pick this time to go off the BPD deep end again?  they say borderlines have empathy but I just do not see it. I see this as calculating, manipulative, cold and downright emotionally abusive behavior. Am I wrong? I am putting my foot down tonight when I see her. She has really been causing me lots of pain and destruction and I need to set a major boundary. I feel very betrayed and hurt that she lash out and do things to hurt me during a very fragile and difficult time for me. it makes me sick and, this, perhaps, is the straw that broke the camels back. It makes me want to push her out of my life completely. I feel there is no hope for her whatsoever.

[valet]

Hey CharWood, I'm sorry about your father. That sounds like a really painful and confusing experience on it's own, and adding in the stress of your pwBPD acting like she has must only be making things more difficult.

I can't speak for your ex here, but I'm sure that it is also a confusing time for her as well. Remember, she's not going to forget what happened during your relationship. It does sound like she's dysregulating emotionally.

Are you sure that you want to deal with this situation in such a high conflict manner? Managing our emotions can be difficult in times of stress. Sometimes we need a little bit more space than we give ourselves. Maybe it might be wise for you to politely cancel your plans with her, and to talk about how you've been feeling when you've sorted out a good way forward with the relationship?

Stay strong.  

[Aussie0zborn]

I see this as calculating, manipulative, cold and downright emotionally abusive behavior. Am I wrong?

Sorry to hear this. You are not wrong - that's exactly what it is and I was on the receiving end of that all the time.  My take on this is that they don't want to be drawn into feeling what you're feeling. I don't believe pwBPD can process this for whatever reason. You will certainly not get her emotional support no matter how much you offer her.

I think it's time to move on. And happy birthday!

[Aussie0zborn]

I see this as calculating, manipulative, cold and downright emotionally abusive behavior. Am I wrong?

Sorry to hear this. You are not wrong - that's exactly what it is and I was on the receiving end of that all the time.  It's incredibly hurtful, isn't it? My take on this is that they don't want to be drawn into feeling what you're feeling. I don't believe pwBPD wish to process this for whatever reason. You will certainly not get her emotional support no matter how much you offer her.

I think it's time to move on. And happy birthday!

[TheRealJongoBong]

I suspect you misunderstand her point of view.  On the surface she is acting like someone who doesn't give a s***, who thinks your emotions aren't even worth the trouble to react to.  My guess is she's reacting to your father's death even more than you are.  It is reinforcing in her in the worst way her fears of abandonment. She experienced you going through abandonment when the best person in your life died. That resonates completely with her fear of being abandoned, and it's being amplified by you not paying the same attention to her as you did before. So the first thing she does is runs away from it all, thinking if she runs from the feelings they'll go away.

Your loss is very real and important to you, and you need to take the time to process it in your own way. Just please don't believe that your ex is cold and indifferent to what's going on, when in fact she is probably completely overwhelmed by it.

[CharWood]

Hi valet. Thank you.  I wish I could cancel plans with her; however, we still live together until the end of the year. I unfortunately have to see her every day. She ignored me last night, for the most part, and did not even tell me happy birthday today. Even her mother, who does not want us together and hates me, told me happy birthday. It is pretty hurtful. but, I guess I should've expected it. I am sure tonight she will either ignore me or leave the house. After this, I am pretty much done and going to direct my energy towards detaching completely from her. It just hurts too much.

AussieBorn - thank you! yes, I can see her draw back from people when they are emotional, not just me. However, when she is, she expects comfort from others. typical BPD sufferer I guess. I do think it is time to move on. I am over her emotional mind games and lack of care towards me. it is obvious she uses me and I am nothing but an object to her.

TheRealJongoBong: Interesting take. Perhaps you are right. It is just very hurtful. Last week she said she will stick by me even if we are broken up and be there. but, when the time came, she checked out and took off. Last night she completely ignored me.  Did not even tell me happy birthday this morning before she left for work. nothing. It is hard to not believe that she does not care. I guess I have my answer if she comes home this evening and ignores my birthday completely.  I just cannot believe how cold and icy she is. I was watching home videos last night and she did come in to my room for a few minutes and watch with me, even commenting that I am a cute kid. her behavior makes no sense at all. Its hard to see just how little she cares about me after over 4 years of being in my life. Its hard.