FOO issues

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  guys,

As part of my breakup post-mortem I've been focusing a lot on my codependency issues and how they relate to my relationship with my mother. During this process I also realised just how damaging my ex's relationship with his own mother was - and I believe it's what led to our eventual downfall.

I was wondering if others had experiences of this - their ex partner's relationship with their mother or father being damaging? And not only being damaging - your ex DEFENDING their actions?

My ex was abused sexually as a child by someone who worked for the family. When I asked him if his parents knew, he shrugged the question off but then added "I think they suspected, because that guy (the abuser) disappeared for a while." I was then SHOCKED to find out that this same man STILL works for the family and he sees him every time he goes back to his home country to visit the family. I find this mind boggling.

Second, I'm convinced his mum displays BPD traits. She's either the Waif or the Queen - or alternates between both. Nothing he ever did was good enough for her; one example comes to mind: when his parents came from their country to visit us the first time, my ex decided to cook for them. He was so excited as he'd never done it before, and he put a lot of effort into what he made. His mum (and dad) stuck their noses up at the food and made it very clear that it wasn't up to their standards. It was so awkward for me and I felt his pain - I was the only person at the table who said "I think it's delicious!" And instead of at least acknowledging to me that what his mum and dad did was wrong, he said "well my cooking isn't as good as my mum's I guess."

They remained unimpressed during the whole trip despite the fact both he and I had put a lot of effort into organising things for us to do. They even complained that a restaurant HE took us to and paid for was too expensive. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing - and still, he internalised everything.

This is just a small example of the cruelty his mum showed towards him, but during the three years that we were together he'd NEVER bad mouth her or say anything even slightly negative about her. What pains me is that just a month before we broke up he said the only negative thing he'd ever said which made me think that perhaps he was starting to see her behaviour for what it was. He wanted to turn his passion for photography into a business, something I encouraged and fully supported. His mum, however, disapproved and wanted him to get a full-time job again. So he said to me "My mum makes me feel like such a failure. She doesn't believe I can run my own business."

Then he went back home, regressed and turned into some monster, which is what eventually led to our breakup. It's now very clear to me that his mum (and possibly dad, too) never wanted him to marry him. Coming from a conservative Asian background, I guess they didn't want their eldest son married to a white girl. And the biggest deal breaker was the fact I didn't want to live in their home country. I now suspect from the things I know that she wants her son around to look after her in her old age. After all, this is the woman who told him "I'll never be happy," and "when you're not around I have no one to talk to," all manipulation on her behalf.

I now realise that my ex was enmeshed with his mother. I don't know for certain, but I'm 99 per cent sure she manipulated him into doing what she wanted him to do. Before he left me in May we had a set plan - he was gong to get his visa, he was going to come and find me in my home country, we were going to get married, settle down and start our business. ALL his idea. He goes home and within weeks he's singing from a whole new song sheet - one his mother had put in front of him.

He sacrificed his relationship with me and did what his mother wanted, which I find mind boggling, too - how can someone turn their back on someone who truly wanted what was best for them, to go back to the arms of the mother who manipulates him for her own selfish reasons? Why would you want to go back to that kind of torture, when you're with someone who's offering you the freedom to be who you want to be? His family are cold and harsh - my family is the opposite, and I know he loved us all. And yet when push came to shove, he chose the coldness/harshness, and an engagement to a z-list ex who broke his heart (but she's Asian, too, so I guess that's fine by his mother).

Anyway I could ramble for hours about this as it's a long story, but I guess my question is (in addition to the above) is has anyone else had a similar experience? Where their ex was manipulated by they parents? I saw it in action and it was scary - it was like he lost his identity every time he spoke to her because she'd fill his head with shame and guilt about his life choices.

I'm not justifying my ex's actions in the end, but looking at it from a psychological point of view helps me make sense of everything.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

As part of my breakup post-mortem I've been focusing a lot on my codependency issues and how they relate to my relationship with my mother. During this process I also realised just how damaging my ex's relationship with his own mother was - and I believe it's what led to our eventual downfall.

I was wondering if others had experiences of this - their ex partner's relationship with their mother or father being damaging? And not only being damaging - your ex DEFENDING their actions?

My ex was abused sexually as a child by someone who worked for the family. When I asked him if his parents knew, he shrugged the question off but then added "I think they suspected, because that guy (the abuser) disappeared for a while." I was then SHOCKED to find out that this same man STILL works for the family and he sees him every time he goes back to his home country to visit the family. I find this mind boggling.

Second, I'm convinced his mum displays BPD traits. She's either the Waif or the Queen - or alternates between both. Nothing he ever did was good enough for her; one example comes to mind: when his parents came from their country to visit us the first time, my ex decided to cook for them. He was so excited as he'd never done it before, and he put a lot of effort into what he made. His mum (and dad) stuck their noses up at the food and made it very clear that it wasn't up to their standards. It was so awkward for me and I felt his pain - I was the only person at the table who said "I think it's delicious!" And instead of at least acknowledging to me that what his mum and dad did was wrong, he said "well my cooking isn't as good as my mum's I guess."

They remained unimpressed during the whole trip despite the fact both he and I had put a lot of effort into organising things for us to do. They even complained that a restaurant HE took us to and paid for was too expensive. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing - and still, he internalised everything.

This is just a small example of the cruelty his mum showed towards him, but during the three years that we were together he'd NEVER bad mouth her or say anything even slightly negative about her. What pains me is that just a month before we broke up he said the only negative thing he'd ever said which made me think that perhaps he was starting to see her behaviour for what it was. He wanted to turn his passion for photography into a business, something I encouraged and fully supported. His mum, however, disapproved and wanted him to get a full-time job again. So he said to me "My mum makes me feel like such a failure. She doesn't believe I can run my own business."

Then he went back home, regressed and turned into some monster, which is what eventually led to our breakup. It's now very clear to me that his mum (and possibly dad, too) never wanted him to marry him. Coming from a conservative Asian background, I guess they didn't want their eldest son married to a white girl. And the biggest deal breaker was the fact I didn't want to live in their home country. I now suspect from the things I know that she wants her son around to look after her in her old age. After all, this is the woman who told him "I'll never be happy," and "when you're not around I have no one to talk to," all manipulation on her behalf.

I now realise that my ex was enmeshed with his mother. I don't know for certain, but I'm 99 per cent sure she manipulated him into doing what she wanted him to do. Before he left me in May we had a set plan - he was gong to get his visa, he was going to come and find me in my home country, we were going to get married, settle down and start our business. ALL his idea. He goes home and within weeks he's singing from a whole new song sheet - one his mother had put in front of him.

He sacrificed his relationship with me and did what his mother wanted, which I find mind boggling, too - how can someone turn their back on someone who truly wanted what was best for them, to go back to the arms of the mother who manipulates him for her own selfish reasons? Why would you want to go back to that kind of torture, when you're with someone who's offering you the freedom to be who you want to be? His family are cold and harsh - my family is the opposite, and I know he loved us all. And yet when push came to shove, he chose the coldness/harshness, and an engagement to a z-list ex who broke his heart (but she's Asian, too, so I guess that's fine by his mother).

Anyway I could ramble for hours about this as it's a long story, but I guess my question is (in addition to the above) is has anyone else had a similar experience? Where their ex was manipulated by they parents? I saw it in action and it was scary - it was like he lost his identity every time he spoke to her because she'd fill his head with shame and guilt about his life choices.

I'm not justifying my ex's actions in the end, but looking at it from a psychological point of view helps me make sense of everything.

Hopeful

[Michelle27]

My ex told me how abusive his Dad was growing up.  To the point that he says that when he was in his teens, his Dad beat him so badly he was hospitalized and in a coma for a time.  Social services was involved but he only gave sporadic details about this but talked as if it really affected his growing up.  He also talked about how his Dad stopped him from pursuing the career he wanted and how his Mom (who passed away a few years before I met him) was basically an angel who was an amazing mother.  I believed this and our daughter has his late mother's name as her middle name.

Over the years (we were together 15 years) I watched him practically beg his cranky father for appreciation and approval.  I never understood this.  When I say cranky, it's because I believe his father is suffering from low grade depression.  He is always negative, has strong opinions that aren't based on fact that he will argue and completely dismiss anyone else's opinions regardless of evidence.  I never enjoyed his company.  But my ex desperately wanted his approval all the time.  He would call his father whenever he did anything good like fix something around the house and it seemed to me he would be hoping for a pat on the back that never came. 

Since we broke up, I've learned a few things.  First, his Mom was not the angel he portrayed her to be.  I don't think I know much more than the tip of the iceberg but it sounds from people who knew her and knew his relationship with his Mom that she was likely mentally ill herself, maybe even BPD.  Also, I know now that he lied about major things as well as things that shouldn't have mattered for our entire relationship and I spoke with a family friend who knew the whole family during the years that he claims he was beaten/abused, and she said she doesn't believe that it happened.  I don't know what the significance of that is, whether it's true but it was kept under wraps or it's false and he wanted sympathy.  Either way, there's something wrong there.

[Hopeful83]

My ex told me how abusive his Dad was growing up.  To the point that he says that when he was in his teens, his Dad beat him so badly he was hospitalized and in a coma for a time.  Social services was involved but he only gave sporadic details about this but talked as if it really affected his growing up.  He also talked about how his Dad stopped him from pursuing the career he wanted and how his Mom (who passed away a few years before I met him) was basically an angel who was an amazing mother.  I believed this and our daughter has his late mother's name as her middle name.

Over the years (we were together 15 years) I watched him practically beg his cranky father for appreciation and approval.  I never understood this.  When I say cranky, it's because I believe his father is suffering from low grade depression.  He is always negative, has strong opinions that aren't based on fact that he will argue and completely dismiss anyone else's opinions regardless of evidence.  I never enjoyed his company.  But my ex desperately wanted his approval all the time.  He would call his father whenever he did anything good like fix something around the house and it seemed to me he would be hoping for a pat on the back that never came. 

Since we broke up, I've learned a few things.  First, his Mom was not the angel he portrayed her to be.  I don't think I know much more than the tip of the iceberg but it sounds from people who knew her and knew his relationship with his Mom that she was likely mentally ill herself, maybe even BPD.  Also, I know now that he lied about major things as well as things that shouldn't have mattered for our entire relationship and I spoke with a family friend who knew the whole family during the years that he claims he was beaten/abused, and she said she doesn't believe that it happened.  I don't know what the significance of that is, whether it's true but it was kept under wraps or it's false and he wanted sympathy.  Either way, there's something wrong there.

I guess this is an issue - not knowing what is true and what isn't. I'm fairly sure everything I know of his childhood is true; one of his best friends (and the only other person that knows about it) backed what he said up.

I guess it only makes sense for many of our exes to have difficult relationships with their FOO.

[Hopeful83]

Anyone else have anything to share?

[MakingMyWay]

Definitely resonates with me. My ex's parents were both controlling. Her mother was very publicly controlling while her dad was more subtle about it, but was very obviously controlling the mother. My ex was very open in hating her mother, but there was a lot of "I'll do this just to keep her happy, even though it makes me unhappy" since it was easier to do that than suffer verbal and emotional abuse. They made her so incredibly guilty for trying to avoid their manipulation and I wish I had taken a role in standing up against them, but my ex didn't want the abuse to get worse.

One of the worst cases was my ex's mother saying that if she dyed her hair pink it would cause her to be sexually assaulted, which was an absolutely ludicrous thing to say. I was very proud of my ex for going ahead and dying her hair pink anyway, but she had to endure a lot of emotional abuse and guilt. There were a lot of incidents where the mother had tried to breakup myself and my ex's siblings from their partners in the past, so I was extremely worried about that. I had assumed that is what happened when she broke up with me, but it seems to be her choice.

[Hopeful83]

Definitely resonates with me. My ex's parents were both controlling. Her mother was very publicly controlling while her dad was more subtle about it, but was very obviously controlling the mother. My ex was very open in hating her mother, but there was a lot of "I'll do this just to keep her happy, even though it makes me unhappy" since it was easier to do that than suffer verbal and emotional abuse. They made her so incredibly guilty for trying to avoid their manipulation and I wish I had taken a role in standing up against them, but my ex didn't want the abuse to get worse.

One of the worst cases was my ex's mother saying that if she dyed her hair pink it would cause her to be sexually assaulted, which was an absolutely ludicrous thing to say. I was very proud of my ex for going ahead and dying her hair pink anyway, but she had to endure a lot of emotional abuse and guilt. There were a lot of incidents where the mother had tried to breakup myself and my ex's siblings from their partners in the past, so I was extremely worried about that. I had assumed that is what happened when she broke up with me, but it seems to be her choice.

Hey MakingMyWay,

Seems very similar to the dynamic my ex shared with his parents, especially his mother. The disturbing part for me is that he just couldn't see that what she was doing was wrong - or he saw it but was in denial? He hero worshipped his family in a way that was also a bit disturbing. He would say to me that he'd do anything of them, but in a way that made it all sound a bit dark and sinister. Seems like that 'anything' included getting rid of me.

Oh the